When Your Deceased Child is an Adult
Dr. Gloria,
My 32 year-old son died in Sept 2007, and I have been trying to deal with my grief. I came across your grief blog recently and am pleased to be able to have access to someone with your background. In trying to find books and websites to help me, I am finding that there is only one “category” called child to talk about the grief a parent feels. Do you think that the grief and grieving is the same for the loss of a child versus an adult? I believe it is different and I am looking for help for the loss of an adult son.
Thank you for your input.
Alice
Dr. Gloria Responds
Dear Alice,
We are so very sorry for your loss. It is hard to lose a child at any age and losing a son that you have loved for 32 years leaves a big gap in your life. And you are right – there is little written about losing an adult child. I think the problem is that the world doesn’t recognize how difficult it is to lose an adult child. I don’t care if you are 90, your child should not go before you. It is a very short time since September and we encourage you to be gentle with yourself – get plenty of rest and do what you need to do to take care of you. Grieving is hard work and takes a great deal of energy.
You also may find comfort in a Compassionate Friends group or their chat rooms. The group is made up of parent and siblings of all ages grieving for their adult children and siblings. You can find them at http://www.compassionatefriends.org. We encourage you to get involved with such a group because we have found that the burden of grieve is easier to carry when you don’t have to carry it alone.
We will post your letter on the blog, together with our response because we feel it will be a help to many, many of our visitors.
Good Luck and keep in touch.
Gloria
Gloria C. Horsley Ph.D.
Read more on Open to Hope from Gloria: https://www.opentohope.com/kathleen-gilbert-dr-gloria-c-horsley-how-family-members-grieve/
Tags: grief, hope
I am so very sorry for your lost I know how difficult it is to lose an adult child. I lost my daughter (29 yrs. old) Oct. 8, 2007. Losing a child that you have watched grow, reach dreams, fail and succeed is shear torture. It is not only your child but a friend, someone you have shared dreams with. someone who knows you as well as you know them.
Th world seems so small when you lose a child, so many thoughts as to why, so young still so much of life yet for them to expierence. I wished my life ended instead of my daughters. What more did I still need to expierence? I guess according to GOD one more living without my daughter, my best friend.
Take care of yourself Alice I know the pain I live the pain. If you need to just talk e-mail me bitgal3333@aol.com my name is Audrey.
take care
I understand your pain. I lost my son who was 24 years old on March 27, 2006. He was my youngest son of 2 and such a wonderful and caring young man. My heart will be forever broken. This road of grief is the most horrific thing I have ever gone through in my life. I miss him so much.
I am not sure if I can help you, when I am still trying to survive myself. My beautiful 43 year old son was shot to death on March 27, 2015. He was shot 12 twelve times at close range while sitting in hedis car unarmed and aware he was going to die.
My son was our only child, and he is not only was our son, but he was our very best friend I struggle every day, everything reminds me of him, I am not sure it will get better. Because there seems to be such a big whole in our lives.
I am not sure I can be much help, to help someone else when I am still bleeding ourselves. But we do take care of my son’s little poodle, who will be 2 in Nov. and we bought another little poodle that is 4 months old now. My husband says it has helped me because it makes me move every day to care for them . They have a warrant for first degree murder for the person who killed him, but they cannot find him. Take it one day at a time. God Bless Us All as we all blindly find our way.
I just lost my son on November 29,2017 someone shot him and the police have no leads yet.
My son was an active duty soldier and I would it be more acceptable with war than someone shot him, I feel numbness, anger, can not believe it he is gone
My son was 31 yrs old.
I understand completely how you feel about the loss of an adult child. Our son was one month shy of his 33rd birthday when he passed in Aug. 2007. Just yesterday someone commented as to why I am not “getting over” this. Hopefully that person will never have to endure this pain.
Please contact me at bea118@aol.com if you feel an interaction would help. I could also use a little company while walking this path.
Grief counseling has helped somewhat, as the counselor has no personal involvement in your situation.
The best I can wish for you is peace and understanding. Take care
Blessings,
Bea
Dear Bea, My son died suddenly in his sleep just hours after taking care of me after I had my 3rd surgery while my husband was away at a conference for the weekend. My son Andy was 2 months away from his 30th birthday on Oct. 6Th 2010 and my daughter and I were planning a huge surprise party for him. He was a very healthy blonde, blue eyed tanned roofer by trade and had a huge white smile that lit up a room. He loved being outside and laughing and joking around with everyone. He was loving and kind and generous to a fault. He left behind his long-term girlfriend and 2 children that are the reason I get up every morning. I had lost my only brother suddenly in 1978 when he was just 19 yrs. Old. I was 20 yrs. old at that time but the devastation his death caused our family never ended for my parents. I never thought I could hurt more than his loss…until my own son died. I was told that an autopsy had to be performed on him because they couldn’t find anything in his toxicology report or upon physical examination that showed a cause of death. Weeks after his funeral the Dr’s came to tell me be passed away from an abnormal configuration in one of his coronary vessels that collapsed and killed him instantly in his sleep. I’m grateful he didn’t suffer. But I miss his laughter and his big bear hugs when he picked me up and swung me around and laughed when I told him to put me down. I didn’t realize until last week when a friend of his brought copies of pictures he had of my son through the years that I didn’t recognize the place or occasion that the last photo of my son was taken until his friend told me that he took that picture of him not quite a year before his death at my mother’s funeral. He was dressed up and had visibly been crying and then I remembered my mother’s funeral and that my son was so very close to his grandmother and he wanted to be a pallbearer at her services. If I’d only known that he’d be beside her in less than a year I’d have loved him longer and harder than ever before. I’m in chronic severe pain from a spinal injury decades ago and after my mom and son passed I became numb to block all the pain, both emotional and physical. I shut down. I developed huge open wounds on my body everywhere and after seeing 6 different specialist from Chicago to St. Louis and being poked, stuck, x-rayed and biopsied, I was told I suffered from P.T.S.D. and that my immune system was attacking my own body from the inside out. Its been 6 years and 99% of the sores have healed into big ugly scars that I can’t begin to explain to people. My faith and my grandchildren keep me here. But truthfully speaking I’m so broken inside and sad beyond belief. I’m missing everyone I love so much and especially my baby boy. My joy, my life. I have tons of photos and tapes of every moment of his life and I miss his beautiful smile and his love of life. I so understand your pain and I feel I’ve got nothing more to offer you either except to cling tightly to your faith and the rest of your family until we are with our sons again in Heaven. God bless you and may He send comfort your way. Another grieving mother, Karla
To each and every mother on this blog, i want to say GOD BLESS, I too lost my 43 yr old adult son, July 5 2007 in a firey auto accident, a closed casket, no time for goodby,s. He had been living with me the past 11 mo. and i have all his clothes and personal things i see every day to remind me.I relive over EVERY DAY how did the accident happen and why. I have went days not getting out of bed, not eating, i want to be at the grave site all the time, when people call somtimes i don,t answer the phone, what to say when they ask how you are?, i think its pretty obvious i,m not ok. last sun is the 3-4th time i been to church since, i can,t stand to hear the music, seems like if i try to watch tv his name is every where, to remind me, i,m told it will get easier,I MISS AND LOVED HIM SO MUCH! LARRY,S MOM
I lost my 35 year old son on October 7, 2007. It still haunts me that I told him to go and that my husband and I would take care of his wife and 2 daughters. 12 hours later he was gone. I have had many people tell me that I still have 2 sons and I have 6 granddaughters and that my beloved Robbie is dead, buried and in his grave and I need to “get on with it”. I cannot explain the deep hole I feel in my heart. All of you seem to have felt the same thing. I knew that my son’s cancer was terminal from his diagnosis in April 2006. He asked me to be strong for him and I continued to work at my job, worked shorter weeks, went to treatments with him, talked to him every day, helped him and his family in every way possible, was strong on the morning of his death and throughout the wake and funeral service and for approximately 2 weeks after and then the flood gates opened. I feel as though a part of me has been ripped away. I just cannot understand why it was not me or one of our 3 aging parents. I watched helplessly as my son fought valiantly to stay with his little girls and I could not do anything to help him. I miss him so much and I cannot help but feel that his life was much too short. I have been seeing a grief counsellor and I am trying to cope and am always there for my granddaughters and my other 2 sons and my husband. I feel that I am letting everyone down because I was always “the strong one” and now I am completely lost. I understand everyone’s pain and I do believe that until you have lost a child you cannot understand how it feels. I know he waits for me at Heaven’s Gate and our faith is all that is carrying me through this journey.
Blessings to you all
Lynn
To every grieving mother here and around the globe, It’s not our normal belief that we outlive our children. It’s not fair, it’s not logical and it’s not something we’ll “get over”. Ever. I cannot offer any comfort to any one of you or encourage you to move on when my heart stopped beating when my son died. It’s not right and it hurts so deeply and I go through bouts of crying to fits of anger. I question my faith and I want to stop feeling empty and dead inside. I know my friends mean well when they say those old cliches of “time will heal all wounds” and “he’s in a better place” but I smile and thank them because I don’t want them to hear me screaming inside my head to them that “time won’t heal this” and “he’s not in a better place unless he’s here in my arms”!! Only you all know how I feel. The only thing I can say to you or offer you is my thoughts and my company and another shoulder to cry on. I know what you’re feeling and I pray that it helps just to know you’re not alone. Ever!!
Lynn, I relate to you and feel your pain…I lost my son two weeks ago to cancer. He was also a very strong warrior with two small children. I was also strong like you , but now am falling apart. I went to treatments with him and surgeries and watched him go through in-human suffering. I feel as though a part of my heart is gone and things will never be the same again. I have three other sons and four grandchildren. He was a twin and we stayed with him for one month, with Hospice, until he died. He took his last breath five minutes after his twin took his hand…he came into the world with his twin and left with him. I never wanted to live long enough to bury a child, but continue to count my blessings. They wouldn’t want us to stop living, but we need to go through this period of mourning. Try to do good things for yourself and stay healthy and keep that strong faith.
God bless you,
Liz
I too also lost my son, James on Dec. 20th of 2007. One month after he turned 20. I have daughters 14 and 15 and I thik God for them every day. But i can understand everything , everyone of you talk about. The pain is so hard, you feel like it will never go away. He his the last thought I have when I go to sleep and the first one when I wake up. I too thought I didn’t want to live after I lost my son but, I know that he would not want that for me or his sisters. He was a caring and wonderful person who loved to help others. So in his memory I try to do what he would have wanted. He was a organ donor and I know that he was able to help someone else and that helps a little. The holidays are hard but, then everyday is hard. I have not found a support group here where i live so i thought i would look online. Just reading your stories helps me know that I am not alone. Thank you for listening to me. Sarah
I lost my 42 year old son to melanoma cancer in May 2007. He would have been 43 on his next birthday in June. Until now I thought I was handling his death very well and people wondered how I could be so strong. Even I wondered why I was remaining so calm. All of a sudden, the grief has hit very hard. I was told that this time would come. I have two other grown children whom I love very much, but I find myself longing to go on and be with my son. When Brent knew he was dying, his main concern was that he did not want his loved ones to grieve over his passing. I know he would not want me to feel this way. I know it is a valley that I must walk through with God by my side. I am thankful to have found this website.
Hello to all, Ramona i,m so sorry for loseing your son to melanoma, in 1992 my daughter had melenoma but she was lucky she survived it, but she went through several surgeries, lymphnodes, etc. we are very thankful for that, but as i wrote on here last july 5 i lost my 43 yr old son in an auto accident and some days i barely get by but some days i can,t stand it. My drive to live is gone even tho i do have 3 older daughters, he was my baby (the youngest)I cringe when the 5th of the mo. comes Thanks for this site, i know i,m not alone we are all grieving here and i am sorry! I am researching heaven and i,ve learned a lot about it that is so amazing, GOD BLESS ALL
Thank you, Evelyn. I am thankful that your daughter survived her cancer. I am very sorry about your son. I think it is a normal feeling to want to go on and be with our deceased children, even though we don’t want to leave the others behind. I’m sure this feeling will lessen in time. I honestly don’t know how I would get through this if it were not for my faith in Jesus. God Bless You!
I have read the replies above, and in a way it is comforting to read how people feel after losing a grown up child. I dont feel so alone after reading this. I lost my youngest beloved daughter Nina on the 7th of November 2007. She turned 18 on the 14th of August. I miss her so much that it is sometimes hard to acknowledge that I have to keep living even though I know I have to.
I know only to well what you all are going through. My 32 year old son died Jan.11th 2008 he would have been 33 tomorrow feb. 18th. I don’t think it is any easier losing your child that is an adult I don’t think it matters. You love them before they are born and you never stop loving them or love them any less. And as a mother you want to protect them their entire life. It is just so sad when you can’t keep them safe and keep them here. The law of nature we are suppose to die first and it is the worst thing in the world to bury a child or grandchild. All I can do is hope it gets a little better with time, if it don’t I don’t know how much longer I can live this way. I just wish God would take me too. Then I could be reunited with my son and my dad. God bless and keep each and everyone of you.
I just happened to come across this website as I was going through my “favourites” and I guess when I saved this under my daughter’s name I was not ready to reply to anyone and could not do this six months ago. I lost Sarah August 12th 2007 at age 27 in a fatal car crash. I was away and she had been taken to the hospital, at 11:00 at night the call came in and we had a three hour drive. She was in surgery when we arrived but the injuries were many, I got to see her in a hospital room hooked up to the monitors but I feel she was already passed, they had revived her three times so I said no more, the monitor flatlined and I looked up to talk to her. And now the tears fill my eyes as I am typing this. How we are all going to get by without our adult children and I know all we can do is try again everyday we awake. Sometimes we can remember without tears and other times the tears just roll down your faces. We will never be the same and noone who has not had this experience could possibly understand or judge. Everyone has their own time and way of dealing with this. I have been on a fitness regime every morning for some reason it keeps me focused and gives me something positive to do. I applaud all of us that can reach out and connect with others and there is some comfort in knowing we are not alone in having to deal with the heartbreaking experience. It certainly changes your focus on life and it is very hard to care about things but I am afraid we have to we have no option. We go to sleep every night and wake each day and here we go again. I tell myself I have an angel on my shoulder and I talk to her when I am on my treadmill. I send out my prayers and love to all you grieving parents and hope one day we recover to some degree. I am having a tough time as her birthday is in another ten days and I am not looking forward to it. Jane
Jane, May God bless you and give you peace! After my son died, several of the family and his friends had dreams which they said were comforting. I didn’t want to dream about him because I was afraid that when I awoke and realized it was just a dream, I would be depressed. However, one night I did dream and it was the most beautiful comforting dream. I saw him well and healthy and strong. I went to him and touched his chest with a bit of hesitancy, not knowing quite what to expect. When I realized everything was okay, I leaned in to give him my full mother’s hug. I snuggled into his neck like I had when he was alive. (He was always a big guy and I loved to snuggle up to him and feel warm and loved.) The dream was over in a flash, but when I awoke, I could still feel the warmth of that beautiful, familiar hug and it stayed with me for several days. It was so vivid that I felt like I had actually received that hug. Brent is in Heaven with Grandpa and Grandma and I am so looking forward to seeing them all again. My heart is with you.
Ramona
Hello everyone,
As I read the tears roll down my face, it’s been a hard day for me today. Justin was 26 when he died on 22nd August 2007. He got his new bike on the Saturday and was killed on the Wednesday. I have other children – natalie is 25, Bradley is 20 and I’m blessed to have a very late baby Sebastian who is 20 months.I have two wonderful little grand daughters Jemma and Ruby. I thank God for the little ones, they force me to laugh and play and get up in the morning, but it doesn’t take that pain and longing that I have for Justin everyday.It seems to get worse, I miss him so,so much and wish I could hold him and smell him one more time.I run a griefshare group at my home and it has helped me so much.It helps to share with people that understand and I encourage all of you to continue to share with others that can listen, love and support.
God Bless,
Lianne
Like everyone here I never thought I’d leave messages on a blog about my darling son. He had just turned 20 years old a few months ago and floated somewhere between pediatrics and adults. He died from a rare abdominal sarcoma just a few weeks ago after battling for three years. We brought him home on hospice for two weeks where he was surrounded by his family, dogs, and friends. He knew he was dying and it was by far the most difficult thing I’ve ever done to tell him it was okay to go. I knew it was for the best but my heart was screaming the entire time. He passed away peacefully in my arms. We are at peace with all that occurred leading up to his death as we feel that all was done that could possibly be done. All was said that could be said. But I do miss him so much.
I know how you all feel. One comment that comforted me came from one of my sons friends during his service. He told us that we should not look for reasons why our son had to die, but for reasons why he lived in the first place. That has brought us great comfort as we have wonderful memories and as we learn how he had an impact on those around us. His life was important and he did make a difference .. and somehow that has made us feel more at peace.
Love to all and be kind to yourselves,
Pat
My 26 year old daughter died 3 weeks ago from Ewing’s Sarcoma. We fought it off for 3 years. I took her to treatments, surgery, radiation and chemotherapy in places ranging from Portland, OR to Houston. Her partner, Ryan and I were her “team” and she never spent a night in the hospital alone. I thought we were going to beat it. She was my best friend and a beautiful young woman, inside and out. She had a special quality that most people describe as a bright light. I feel I’m in shock and have to keep saying the words “she’s dead” over and over because I can’t believe it. I’m reading books on grieving and getting therapy, but I just feel dead and numb inside. I don’t care if I live or die. My husband is not her father and even though I know he cared about her, I don’t think he can understand what I’m feeling and I’m almost afraid to talk about Julia too much. It’s difficult.
My heart goes out to all of you. I know Leanne what you mean about your husband. Mine was not my Son’s father either. It hurt him deeply to when we lost my Son, and he is very supportive of me. But I know he has no way of knowing just how bad it really is. I to feel numb and dead inside, but I try to keep going. I have been blessed with a beautiful 27 year old daughter and 3 beautiful grandchildren and love them all with all my heart but they can’t fill the void for the other. They all hold a special place in our hearts and once that place is empty it is as if part of our heart has been ripped from our chest. This is the hardest thing that any of us have had to do. I know it is for me. So hang on to all of us and to God with out God I couldn’t have made it this long. I thought about more than once joining Curtis but I know he would not want me to do that. So I am still here and in my Son’s words still giving blood and keeping the faith. It is sad how we all came to this site but we each know the pain we are all struggling to get through this. Our lives are forever changed but we have others that need us and will all meet in heaven one day with our children and other loved ones that have gone on. I know Curtis is there with my Dad because I have a cousin that seen him in a dream that had not seen him since he was a little boy not even a picture of him. She said God showed her he had been in a dark place and was getting ready to go back into that dark place and God had brought him into the light and that God showed her he had even prayed before going outside the night he died, and that a big black dog knocked him down causing the gun to go off and shoot him. She didn’t even know he had a dog but he did a big black lab that was always under foot. She had seen him in 3 dreams. One he was just going out of his back door of his house and the other one he was whittling and smiling at her. She ask us if he worked with wood because she didn’t know that either. And he did he had made all kinds of things from wood, including a cedar jewelry box for me. The most profound thing that happen though was a couple of weeks ago my cousin’s blood sugar crashed and she died and had to be resusitated. She told me she went as far as the river Jordan and two people were waiting on the other shore for her one was a woman and one was a man with his back to her, he turned around and she said it was Curtis and he waved for her to come on across and said we will go fishing then she was brought back. She knew it was him because by this time he had been dead for a while and she had seen his obituary from the funeral. In the dreams she didn’t know what he looked like yet but ask us if he looked like his Grandpa and he looked very much like his Grandpa when my dad was a young man. I am thankful that God showed her these things it has gave me a lot of comfort during this terrible time. And everything that God had let her see was true. My Son had been in a dark place and in the past year had totally changed his life. I just wanted to share that with all of you. My prayers are for all of you who are on this long difficult journey with me. I wish peace to us all.
Love, Kathy
I just want to say, I am at tears with what I read, I am a mom of 4 and my brother passed away 4 1/2 monmths ago and he was 40. And I see how tis has affected my mom and she is not take n this well at all. I wish there was a way i could help her, She knows that we ache too and does not want to burden us with her grief, but I could never imagine a pain like that. All thoughts and prayers would be appreciate. Hugs Tracie
Tracie, I believe in time the pain will lessen but I know that this brother and son will always be on your minds. You might try to encourage your mother to talk about him if you think that would help. I love to talk about my son and remember the funny things he did to make us laugh and the tender heart he had. There will never come a time that we don’t miss him, but in a way he is still with us as long as we can talk and remember his life. I fully expect to see him again one day in Heaven.
If you would be interested, there is a Christian website (shoutlife.com) where you can meet and visit with other Christians. Perhaps you could find some solace there. It is a very uplifting website – I have met some wonderful friends on Shoutlife.
Love and prayers
Just last March my 48 year old daughter, mother of 5 young girls died of a cerebral hemhoridge.My older sister and 2 of my husbands brothers came over and stayed in our house for 3 weeks to help us in our grief. It did wonders. The day that they left I really broke down. I don’t feel like leaving the bedroom, I read a lot and watch tv, no cooking, neither my husband and I are hungry much. I let messages accumulate on the telephone. I was never a very social person, I am an introvert and can do without yakking on the phone.
I know that I may eventually get over my grief but if there is someone out there with a similar
disposition than I who can help me to with advise on how to “self help”
Suzanne
I am so sorry for your loss.I know your pain.I too lost my beautiful daughter.Come join us at http://www.mychildlossgrief.org and then join our loss forum.We are sister’s and brothers in grief.
Peace and light
Louise
http://www.angel-keren.virtual-memorials.com/
It is now more than 6 months since my 18 year old daughter Nina died from an overdose. 7th of November changed my life forever. The first few weeks I was in shock, because I didnt know she was into hard drugs, and I was never afraid of her dying. In the months that passed I did all the “right” things, like talk a lot about her with friends and family, writing a diary about how I felt, contacted a grief support group.. things like that. I never tried to suppress how I felt. I had some very bad days, but also days where I could deal with my loss and do other things. In March I felt better, and started going back to work, 20 %. In the beginning of April I felt that my whole world fell apart. I woke up with a lot of anxiety every morning, and the grief and my loss was so intense all day, every day, and I felt completely paralyzed. I couldnt work, and felt that I struggled to get through every hour of the day.. I tried to sleep as much as I could, because being awake was devastating. I thought I was going to die from grief and longing for my daughter. This lasted for 5-6 weeks. I was totally unprepared for this to happen. I feel a little better now, and I have started seeing a therapist. Is it common to have such a strong reaction after 5-6 months? People tend to think that I should feel better, but I actually feel a lot worse than I did months ago. I would like to know if there are others who has had the same experience as me..
Hanne Le-Normand,
Norway
I understand how you feel i lost my son on oct 20 2007 to a gunshot, he’s was handling a gun he knew nothing about and it discharged he was 20, today i spent part of day laying on his grave and i too feel worse now than i did the grief seems stronger and more overwhelming he will have been 21 in july. I am still trying to figuare out how to go on I go to compassionate friends meetings so i know i am not alone but it’s a journey that noone else can travel i just pray for the day that the sun looks like the sun again and not just one more minute i have to get through. love to you all
I feel that I have done really well for the most part since my son died last May 1, 2007, at age 42. I have had my moments of disbelief and cry ovcr and over “no, it’s not really real. He can’t be gone.” But he is! My mother passed away just two weeks after my son did and that hurts, but I must say the grief over losing a child is so much greater and is a very different kind of grief. You expect a parent in their 90’s to go but not your child.
I get depressed and find myself wishing I could just go on and be with him. It seems so strange because I have two other sons still living and six beautiful grandchildren. I don’t want to leave them, so why do I feel this way? I know this is a normal emotion that probably most every parent feels when they suffer this type of loss. It just seems strange when you have other children that you love equally. Why do we feel this way? The only answer I have is that we want to feel relief from the huge burden of grief – life just seems so hard right now.
I committed my life to Jesus Christ many years ago, and if it were not for God’s mercy and grace helping me through this difficult time, I don’t know what I would do. He never promised that we would not go through heartaches and difficulties, but He did promise that if we trust in Him, he would go through the struggles with us. I have found that to be true.
Brent did not want to die but when he learned that he had just a short time to live, he asked us not to grieve because he knew where he was going and he was ready to go. He was a musician (guitarist) and had made a recording of his version of ‘Amazing Grace’ and gave it to me for Mother’s Day the year before he died. This recording was played at his funeral and has touched many lives since his death. This is my most treasured gift from him. I will see him again in eternity and that’s what keeps me going.
Dear Hanne Le-Normand,
Thank you for your message and for sharing your loss with us. I am very very sorry for your loss of your daughter. I too have just lost my beautiful 21 yr. old daugher to drug overdose on Oct. 28, 2007 which also happened to be her birthday. I am a Drug and Alcohol Counselor and I tried everything I could to save my beautiful daughter.Everyday my heart is an open wound that I’m sure will never heal. I miss her so terribly. I cry for her daily. I’ve been to a Grief Workshop that was a weekly commitment for 10 weeks. I go to therapy weekly.My doctor has now referred me to see a psychiatrist for possible medication, as they see my grief and label it depression. Hell yes I’m depressed and I don’t care what treatment or what pill there is, nothing (including time) is going to help the grief and loss I feel for my sweet beloved Elise Ellen Hoskinson. There are times that I have wanted to die, but I keep on waking up each morning. I think one of the things that help me keep going on, is the fact that she left me a beautiful grandson age 4 yrs old whom I am now the guardian of. I hate to say that he is the only thing that keeps me going on because he’s not, I still have a wonderful son who is 28 yrs. old and a wonderful boyfriend of 6 yrs in my life. It’s been 7 months now and I feel worse than I did before. I don’t want to get up in the morning either most days. whoever thinks that you should be feeling better by now, I hate to say it but they are ignorant. Including Doctors with all their fancy degrees. No one is an expert when it comes to grief and loss of a child. We as Parents become the experts as we are the ones going through this devasting never ending grief and permanent loss of our adult children. My daughter’s body was dumped in the desert and found by the police on the day that would of been her 22nd birthday. Oct. 28, 2007. How much worse can it get than that? Police don’t give a dam, just look at the case as another dead junkie. It’s pitiful. she was a beautiful, breathing human being, who became hooked on a drug that she couldn’t get off of. Society is ignorant in so many ways when it comes to grief and loss.We can help each other, and we already are. you have helped me with your message, and I hope that my message helps you. please email me because I do care about your beloved daughter, and I know how you feel and how much you miss her each day, starting from the minute you first open your eyes in the morning. It’s the first thing that you think of each morning and the last thing that you think of before you close your eyes at night to go to sleep. Hope this helps your heart and hope to hear from you soon.sharing my tears.
sincerely, Nancy Hoskinson
n_hoskinson@yahoo.com
sincerely,
Nancy Hoskinson
n_hoskinson@yahoo.com
My prayers are with you as you deal with the death of your child. I can relate because I lost my 27 year old son in March of 2007. He died from Cardiac Dysrythmia that we did not know he had. I found him on my bathroom floor. I do beleive that your entire system goes into shock and the world seems to have turned upside down. But I also believe that my Heavenly Father watches over me and I feel a little better as time goes on. But the feeling of loss is always there, you adjust to it. He was my only child and he left me grandchildren whom I cherish. It feels good to communicate with people who can understand what I am going through. My prayers are with you all.
Sincerely,
Denise Johnson
My heart goes out to all grieving mothers. I now know this is the worst pain a mother will ever feel.We lost my 47 year old brother to cardiomyopathy on june 7th 2008, just 2 1/2 weeks ago.He had been ill for many years and suffered so much at the end. My mother was such a pillar of strengh through all the hospital stays,often staying by his bedside for days at a time.He passed at home, hopefully in his sleep. My poor mom was the one to find him. No mother should have to endure that agony!All you mothers understand her grief and I plan on showing her this website with hope that it brings some comfort during this heart shattering time.One thing helping our family was knowing that MY youngest son and his wife were pregnant with identical twin boys to be born at the end of july. We would talk about how even though God took my brother we were to be blessed by two beautiful babies.It was not to be so. I was still with my mom when just 5 days later I got the heartbreaking phone call from my son telling me that his wife had been rushed to the hospital and that they had lost one of the babies. How much pain can a family endure? Our grief for my brother and my stillborn grandson is so raw and overwelming,yet I found comfort in your stories. I am so tired of people saying it will get better with time,this I already know.What I want for my family is for everyone to acknowledge our grief, and you all have done just that.I am so sorry for all your losses. Thank you and God bless all.
My heart goes out to all grieving mothers. I now know this is the worst pain a mother will ever feel.We lost my 47 year old brother to cardiomyopathy on june 7th 2008, just 2 1/2 weeks ago.He had been ill for many years and suffered so much at the end. My mother was such a pillar of strengh through all the hospital stays,often staying by his bedside for days at a time.He passed at home, hopefully in his sleep. My poor mom was the one to find him. No mother should have to endure that agony!All you mothers understand her grief and I plan on showing her this website with hope that it brings some comfort during this heart shattering time.One thing helping our family was knowing that MY youngest son and his wife were pregnant with identical twin boys to be born at the end of july. We would talk about how even though God took my brother we were to be blessed by two beautiful babies.It was not to be so. I was still with my mom when just 5 days later I got the heartbreaking phone call from my son telling me that his wife had been rushed to the hospital and that they had lost one of the babies. How much pain can a family endure? Our grief for my brother and my stillborn grandson is so raw and overwelming,yet I found comfort in your stories. I am so tired of people saying it will get better with time,this I already know.What I want for my family is for everyone to acknowledge our grief, and you all have done just that.I am so sorry for all your losses.
IT HAS BEEN AWHILE SINCE I HAVE BEEN ON THIS SITE OR ANY OTHER .I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT HOW I WILL BE ABLE TO COPE HEARING ALL THE FIRE WORKS AROUND MY HOUSE AS IT IS JUST A REMINDER THAT MY SON LEFT THIS EARTH @ 1AM JULY 5TH, I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE SOME SLEEPING PILLS UNTIL IT ALL PASSES OR FOREVER I AM TOLD IT GETS SOFTER, HAVEN,T FOUND THAT YET, THIS YEAR WAS “THE FIRST” FOR ALL SPECIAL DAYS, MOTHERS DAY WAS EXTREMELY HARD,SORRY,I,M CRYING AND CAN,T SEE TO WRITE, “GOD BLESS AND COMFORT AND PEACE TO YOU ALL” LARRYS MOM
My daughter, Alison, died 1/5/08. She was 29 and left a grieving husband and a 2-year-old son. She was diagnosed with cancer of an unknown primary in June of 2006. It had already metastasized. I cared for her the best that I could. Watching her suffer and die was horrific. I was on auto-pilot. I still cannot accept this loss. It is too much to bear.
Hello….this is my first time on this site. I too reach out to all the mothers who have lost a child. My son, Carlos, 18, was murdered, and passed over on June 29, 2007. He passed at 12:12 am (his birth date is 12/12/88)….just 12 minutes after my oldest son’s 30th birthday. A 19 year old man put a 5 foot metal rod through my sons brain…he lived for 5 days in a coma. Our lives are shattered….and still waiting for the murder trial to begin. I too, wish people would acknowledge our terrible grief instead of pretending like it didnt happen and we should move on. Not only am i devastated, but my other 2 boys, now 31 and 22 do not have a clue how to deal with the loss of their “baby brother”. The only comfort I get is talking to or going to see psychic mediums and have them reach my son. My son does come to me sometimes in dreams where i go out of body to see him, or he comes to me clearly through thought. I know he will be waiting for me and meet me when my day comes to pass over. The newspapers and TV media want to interview me, but i don’t feel i would ever find the right words to say how i feel. If I can help any one at all in any way with their grief….please email me. We are not alone…there’s an enormous group of us who are suffering and lonely. I send LOVE to all of you…..Judy
It’s been 7 months since my son James died and it doesn’t seem to get any easier. I think about him all the time and can’t seem to really move on with my life. My son James was the oldest of my three children, my only son. He was just starting his life at the age of 20 when i lost him. I cry every day at any given second. It seems to be easier for the rest of my family but for me i seem lost and sad all the time. I hope with time the pain will get better, for the sake of my othe r two children. Prayer to all, Sarah
Dear Moms and Dads who’ve lost children,(adult or any age)
I just want to say I’m so sorry this has happened to your kids and mine too. My sweet Elise ellen Hoskinson did not get to be with us long here on this earth. Age 21 yrs. old in my eyes, is still a kid. I am still grieving everyday and I feel like a person who has just had open heart surgery without being sedated. My family really acts worried about me when I cry. They just don’t get it and they never will. You guys all understand. I’m so sorry that is what we all have in common, is that horrible understanding of each others pain. So many days still (and it’s been nearly 10 months since my girl left this earth), I go to bed wishing I wouldn’t wake up in the morning. I wake up miserable most days and still am in shock. Most people would read this and figure I’m just some kind of whack job, but they just don’t know, and they probably never will. I hate to have expectations on other people but part of that is probably just human nature, but people just don’t care enough in my opinion. They care for a short time and they just go on with their own little lives. They call you at first and then they stop calling and just fade away.It’s almost as though you never existed and your pain never existed. We are all living in our own personal hell each day. Anyways God Bless you all and you are all in my prayers. sincerely, Nancy Hoskinson please feel free to email me at n_hoskinson@yahoo.com
I can’t tell you how very valuable your wisdom of experience is, to those of us who desparately need to support a friend going through this horrific nightmare. I have read every entry here today, while trying to think of a way to help my dear friend, whose son was killed last night in a horrible car accident. He was 32. Her oldest of 6 children. She lives, eats, sleeps & breathes all of them. And now one is gone. And I know that an irreplaceable peice of her has gone with him. My heart is aching for her and I don’t know how to help. Thank you all for your pearls of wisdom. I plan to be there for her any way that I can. But now I can say that I have some insight about the depths of dispair that she is feeling. God Bless each of you. I welcome any words of wisdom that you may have to offer. Kim kxpowers@gmail.com
Hi Nancy my name is Cheryl I lost my beautiful daughter Tara 27 years almost 9 months ago after complications from cosmectic surgery. dec 21st she went for surgery. Her fiance and I went to see her on the 22nd. On the 23rd of Dec we got a call saying she was found with V.S.A at 6:10 am. She was in a comma until on Jan 5th 2008 they prounced her brain dead. WE let the doctors take her off life support on Jan 6th with all of us there with her. I was holding one hand and her father the other one. That was the hardest day of my life. During the time she was in a comma I was in denial I kept telling Tara to breathe but I new in my heart she had passed away on the 23 of dec. The reason I am telling you this is because if you are a wack job so am I. I wanted to die instead of her I was standing in her hospital room yelling at god to take me not her. For a few months I to wanted to die I just could not take the emptiness and the pain until one night I had a vist from Tara I know it was her because I could smell her perfume. She said Mom I know your sad and crying all the time I am here with all of you. It was my time to go mom but it’s not yours don’t do anything crazy I will be here waiting for you when it is your time. You have to live on like I am still there because I am you can talk to me any time I’m here listening. Take care of dad,Casey{sister}, Gord{fiance} and Bambi and Elmo{her dogs}. Remember mom I love all of you and I will see all of you soon. I love you mom. From that day on I never had a thought of suicide instead I concentrated on what Tara would have done when she was a live. Like her garden this year was so beautiful my husband built her deck in her back yard at her new home she purchased 2 years ago. We are concentrating on things for her. I hope my story helps you in some way. I know Tara is around me, Your daughter is around you I hope u will talk to her and in her own way she will be able to help
you
My Email adress is ElmonBowler@yahoo .com please contact me if you want too
What a sorority we are….a sisterhood of mothers who have lost adult children. My wonderful son Bryan died after an automobile accident August, 2007…leaving an adoring wife, three children, and dreams unfilled for all of them. I still cry every day, my heart aches. But I know my life has a new normal…not easier, just different. Bryan was so full of life and could do everything,,,,and his legacy to pass on to his children is his enthusiasm. I am trying to write down in a book anecdotes about him to pass on to his children. Thinking about them brings smiles through the tears. Please feel free to email your “sister” at lcohen@prodigy.net
I just happened on this site, and it brought tears to my eyes. I lost my 31-year-old daughter, Tiffany, on Sept 26, 2004. It seems like just yesterday, but it has been 4 years! Tiffany was my best friend, the person who made me laugh, and my partner in crime (I won’t go there!) She lived at home, because she was just a little bit scared to go out on her own. Oh, she was a manager of a store, and she paid rent, but she just enjoyed being around me and her dad. I can’t tell you how much I miss her and her sister, Tonya. She died in 1984 at the age of 16. But, it does get “better”. Life goes on, and the good times happen again. I look for pennies wherever I go, because her nieces and nephews think she drops them just for them. A hole has happened, but I shall fill it with all of my memories. Susan
My 33 year old son died unexpectedly four weeks ago. The pain seems unbearable. He had a condition that sometimes caused swelling in different parts of his body. His throat swelled closed and he called me at 5 in the morning from his cell phone saying Help me, we ran out the door to go to his house just down the street, but we found him on our porch. He was revived after twenty minutes but there was too much brain damage and he died a day and a half later. I don’t know how I will survive this and reading things about losing adult children tonight, I am more discouraged than ever. God will have to help me. Is it possible to want to live again? I don’t care but I have other people who need me.
I’m not sure what to say, but feel compelled to write something. My 38 yr old daughter Colleen died May 20, 2008. I spoke to her that morning, she was feeling better than she had for 2 weeks. I was in another state with my younger daughter she & her husband were to adopt a child and I was helping with the their 2 small boys. Less than 3 hrs later my husband called and said Colleen is gone. She died of an asthma attack. She had asthma all of her life and felt she could handle any situation. Her 2 small children were just coming home from school. The paramedics did not reach her in time. We had a service and lots of loving people said kind and wonderful words to us, I smiled thanked them, never shed a tear, and in my mind & heart did NOT believe and still don’t believe she’s gone. We are blessed to have gardianship of our 2 Grandchildren 7 & 9 they make us happy. Why can’t I cry??? I start to and then I won’t let my self. 4 Mos before Colleen died my Mother died, I didn’t cry; but I am so hollow inside.
We went thru Hurricane Katrina, lost our home and business. Used all of our savings to rebuild our home, I didn’t cry. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!! I am numb. Its like I can’t focus on any one thing, my mind just jumps around. The only thing that keeps me going is the children. I am falling apart inside, but outside I look fine. MY DAUGHTER CAN’T BE GONE, IT CAN’T BE. I see her standing in the hall looking in at the children in their bedrooms. Am I carzy??? Please someone give me something to help. I can’t not have my daughter in my life. haddens@cableone.net
Sherry, I know how you are feeling. As I had written before, I lost my beautiful Tiffany in Sep, 2004. It is so hard to envision life without our children. Aren”t we supposed to go first? Tiffany was just fine that morning, Sept. 7, and she went to work. When I came home from work, she was home, and told me that she got sick at work and she thought she had appendicitis. We took her to emergency, in Tacoma, about 5;00. Finally, around midnight, they found a bed for her in Seattle. They told me she had Pancreatitis, and she would need to go to Seattle where there was a specialist. I decided to go home and go to see her tomorrow (forgiveness comes hard to me for that) since she would need all of the rest she could get. When my friend and I got there the next day she was on a respirator. I never got the chance to talk to her again. I wrapped my arms around my friend and wondered how I could go on if Tiffany died. All of my sunshine would leave, and my pleas to God were to please take me instead. She died 19 days later, never having regained conscienceness. I pray daily that the Lord will send my Comforter to me, that the Holy Ghost will be with me always. It isn’t easy, missing these two beautiful daughters of mine, but I do take comfort in knowing where they are and knowing that we will be a family again. These thoughts will be a comfort to you, too, someday. Please give yourself time to mourn, and realize that we each heal differently. You will love and laugh again, and especially while you have your grandchildren. My 31- year- old- son has asthma, so I know the heartbreak. I will positively pray for you, and I hope you will pray for me. I know this is long, but I want to wish you peaceful holidays. Love, Susan
My Deepest Sympathy to each of you that have lost a child. My name is Carol and I lost my son John March 9,2003. He is my only child but I do have 2 S-daughters and g-children through them. John was 26 and he was in a one car collision, he went off the road, over-corrected, hit guardrail and flipped down a 40-50 ft. embankment and his truck ended upside down in the creek and cause of death was drowning. These past 5 years there’s been so much pain but also healing and much growth in my life. I have just published a book of poetry and Godwinks(messages from God). The name of it WORDS FROM GOD THROUGH A GRIEVING MOTHER’S HEART…I never thought in a million years I could continue to live my life with John not here with me but God has shown me differently. The hole in my heart has shrunk but will always be there. I’ve learned how to live with my tragedy, because God is good and he never leaves me. I gave it all to God because I couldn’t do this on my own. I went to therapy, journaled, closer relationship with God, speaking with Highway Patrol about Safety on SC Highways at schools, churchs and Military Bases or any place that wants us to speak. Everything that I’ve been involved in has contributed to help in healing. It is so very true, my life has changed forever but I now have peace and love again in my life. I will always love and miss John until my last breath, cry and smile at the same time, one of the two at different times. I love my family here on earth but I am waiting patiently for my time to go home to be with the Lord and my precious, beautiful son!!! I understand the emptiness and deep, deep pain but I promise, you do begin to heal. It’s very hard work, very draining physically and emotionally. Remembering back to the first two years, they were the Worst for me. I still cry but I have found out that crying is very healing, God gets me through those horrible times!!! I wish you all much healing, love, hugs and know that your children are still very close to you. Another grieving Mom, Carol
My deepest empathy to all the mothers who have lost a child, whatever the age. My child, Lisa, was one of 3 daughters. She was 43. Her father (we were divorced) committed suicide on December 23rd of 2007 and she committed suicide on May 3rd, 2008. She told me she’d had thoughts of suicide, but I thought she was doing better. She was under the care of a psychiatrist, too. But we live 400 miles apart and it’s difficult to keep up with your adult children from afar. Nevertheless, when the word came that she’d taken her life, my mind seemed to tear into a million pieces, and my heart burned with such agonizing horror – I can’t tell you how unwordly, yet hellish, the pain was. I’m now under a psychiatrist’s care, too, going through grief counselling, trying to work and stay busy, and never let a week go by without staying in touch with my other two daughters, who, by the way, also lost children. It’s almost like we’re living under a curse. My youngest lost a 12 year old son to drowning. My eldest lost a 22 year old in a car wreck. With the holidays upon us, I’ve had to get additional help from my doctor to get through them. Co-workers, friends, acquaintenances, and even spouses don’t understand that we never “get over it.” I think of Lisa every day. She left 2 daughters and a brand new grandson, also out of state, and it’s hard to talk to them because of the pain it brings. So I find myself avoiding them. A couple of lessons could be learned from my story: 1) Never get comfortable if a loved one has threatened suicide; and 2) I believe there is something genetic about it. Remember, I told you Lisa’s father had committed suicide 5 months earlier? Well, his father also committed suicide when he was only 12. Mothers, your children never get old enough to where you can relax and assume they’ll be with you for the rest of your life. A single moment, and they can be gone.
I am so so sorry for your loss of your beautiful son. I can relate to your tragic event with you son. I too lost my beautitiful angel, Kelly on Oct 14, 2007. The driver was drunk, double over the limit and crash into a guard rail causing them to fall on to the freeway beneath them. A car immediately hit them causing my daughter and the other girl to fly out of the car causing instant . The driver lived of course. He only got 7 yrs! in prison. Kelly had to be identified by fingerprints. I found out a day and a half later that she was dead. She lived with me all her short 26 yrs along with her 9 yr old son. The other deceased girl had a open casket. I never got that option. My daughter was a mess. Her son was taken from me the day after her services by the natural parent. I always hear it happens to other people, I never in a million yrs thought that I too would have to join a club that no one ever wants to join! Does it really get better? I just want to be with her so much. She was my best friend, my everything. I love her so so very much. I work in law enforcement and believe me I can not go to a fatal accidents any more. I am a mother and my only daughter was taken from me. I really hate god right now. I don’t think this pain will ever pass. Got any good advice. Much appreciate
I lost my daughter Tara on Nov 22 08. She had been fighting a brain tumor for three years and had just undergone successful surgery by Alan Friedman at Duke to put in a shunt to take some pressure off of her brain from a secondary tumor. She died because she was given pain medication she was highly allergic to and other nursing errors. It took ten weeks after she has thrown up from the medication reaction to die a horrible death( I had told them and told them) that she was allergic to the medication and they gave her a derivative of it and not the medication I told them to give. I have a masters in nursing but had not been in a hospital setting for fifteen years and didnt know until I got back to the hotel and looked it up on google that this medication should never have been given to someone with a codeine allergy. It all went down hill from there. I feel terribly guilty about this. I am on meds have a therapist and allot of help but I am overwhelmed even a year later. I am back to work and every day is a stuggle as I take care of 800 kids in school and do a good job, but I did a horrible job for her.I mourn continuously, I have other wonderful children and a husband. But she was my first, she was 29 and she tired so hard to live. She tired so hard to overcome the massive stroke she had from the throwig up after surgery after they gave her the wrong medication. The nursing care was horrible and it took them five hours to move her to the ICU . I was in shock because she was so good after surgery, walking around and talking – every thing was a success until they gave her the medication I told them not to give her.
I lost my son in november 2008. He took his own life and I dont know why. He was only seventeen years old and was very giftet. He had many friends and none of them understands either. He always seemed a happy one so this was as a stroke of lightning. I feel dead inside. I am trying to copy because of my other two children, an austistic son and a lovly daugther, but the pain is unbearable. My beautiful, loving son is gone forever. Maybe in the far far away time i will learn to feel better, maby even be happy again but that will be in the same why as an handicaped person learns to live without its lost limbs. My soul has been amputatied.
Sorry if there are errors in my writings, english is not my native tongue.
My heart goes out to all of you. As the mother of a 39 year old son, I can’t imagine how it feels to lose someone so precious. My 29 year old nephew passed away suddenly last night and I just talked to his sister, my niece. Somehow, I found the words to talk to her, but can’t seem to find the words to express to his mother, my ex-sister in law. We haven’t talked for years, only exchanged Christmas cards. Can anyone give me some advice as to what to say to her and how can I help her out in the coming months? (We live in different states). I know no one knows how one feels until they experience this horrible life experience. Thanks for your advice in advance…
I don’t know how to help my sister. My nephew was killed in a tragic motorcycle accident on December 17. He was in the army so it took 10 days to get his body back to Florida. It didn’t seem real since the body wasn’t here, then reality hit and we all fell apart. His services have taken place, then the body was cremated and in a niche at the church. Please also know that my sister’s birthday was 12/26, right in the middle of all this. She went away for a few days after the services, but is back in town. Any suggestions anyone has would be appreciated. Thanks
I am the mother of a military son. He came back from Iraq in April only to be killed in a car accident December 10,2008. I got 30 days with him after not seeing him for almost two years. He was planning to come for Christmas instead I got him home in a box. I’m finding it very hard to deal with . I’m very angry. To top that off he was in the middle of a divorce and his wife cut us out of the funeral. The whole thing has been hard. I keep asking where is God?
Hi to all——I’m a retired 69 yr old senior citizen——–my life has been hell and I can’t seem to get answers. In 1983 I lost my 19 yr old son to murder, my oldest so , Tommy, committed suicide in 1995 at age 35. I moved out of my home and closer to my hometown in 1996–my son, Eddie, was riding his bike near our home and hit by a car——he died a day later at age 42. that was in 2003. In 2004, I got a phone call that my baby son, Jeff, died in his sleep of a coronary artery at age 39. I’m a Christian and I don’t get it. How much grief can one mom take? My hope and faith in everything is gone. Has anyone here los tmore than one child?—–I’d love to hear from you—-Pat W
My 48 year old son died November 15, 2008. He was a wonderful son and I miss him so much. His sister moved to Nevada three years ago and my son and I became very close. He lived upstairs of me and never married. We had many conversations, went fishing, watched movies, etc. The pain is sometimes unbearable. I feel like a piece of my heart is gone. Only a mother who has lost an adult child can understand what we are going through. My son was sick for almost two years. He refused to see a doctor or go to the emergency room. He tried home remedies. I tried prayer. Everyone was praying for him. A couple of months before he died, he would call me on the phone because he was too sick to come downstairs, and he would tell me that he was dying. I told him that he could not die – too many people were praying for him. I also told him that I couldn’t live without him. He said that everybody dies sometime. I asked God why he didn’t heal my son and take me instead? I am having a difficult time.
On Dec 5th 2008 we lost our 30 year old son Scott to what appears to be arrhythmia. It was sudden and unexpected. It hasn’t even been 2 months and people are telling me I have to get over this. That the listening to sad songs and looking at pictures and crying are not good for me. I have the shirts they cut off of him at the hospital and I sleep with them at night. It is a comfort for me. But I feel I have to hid them from my husband,.and others. I don’t know what is normal grief when you lose an adult child. . I’m functioning with daily chores and taking care of myself. I cry daily. I’m just very sad and don’t feel like smiling very much. Looking at emails that are suppose to be funny , don’t seem very funny to me, I don’t even want to look at them. I don’t see the humor I once saw. I get angry at God. My heart actuallly hurts at times. I feel a part of me is missing. My life will never be the same. How do we go on?
.I just lost my only son Jim two weeks ago today. He was 35 and still living with me. I guess you could say he was a mamas boy. He got sick with an infection developed sepsis and was gone within days. He was my best friend and a wonderful , caring , thoughtful giving son. I am still in a daze . It all seems like I am in a dream. He was the love of my life from the day he was born.I have so many questions still. His stay in the hospital was like living in a hellish movie or something. I don’t know if the infection killed him or the meds. He was on a vent but could move his lips and all he did was beg me to help him.. Now he is gone and I couldn’t help him. I hate this because not only did I lose him I lost who i am also..'” A mother..” Since the day he was born I knew where he was and what he was doing.I knew what he liked and didn’t like. I was his mother and I feel like someone came into my home one nite and took my child and now I don’t know where he is or if he needs me. And I can’t do anything about it. I am not his mother anymore or ever again I can’t help him,. I can’t reach him .In a matter of a few days all that I was was taken away.I was a mother now I am nothing. Just an empty shell .Not only has your heart been taken out of your chest- all that you know- all you have ever been is suddenly ripped away from you and your left standing not knowing what or who you are anymore. You can’t be his mother.. Your child and all that you were is gone forever. I am so lost. My B/Day was the 28th . The funeral home called to say my sons ashes were back and I could pick them up. If anyone had told me a year ago I would being getting my sons ashes for my B/Day well.
our son nathan 28 waskilled in a single car accident on dec.10-2008 it has been a nightmare we were very close and our hearts are broken forever. he had a 3 yr. old soon which helps some but still our son is dead. we have 2 daughters but our son is dead. we feel so much pain we did get to good-bye to him I had just talked to him 30 min. earlier and he was fine only to run off the road at noon on that day and hit a tree that took his life. our home is so lonely now he was always here and we miss him so how do we move on?
I know the pain everyone feels. I lost my father in August 07 and my brother in Oct 07. My daughter worked with me and we lost her to a fatal car accident in Sept 08. She was 25 and has a twin brother who is in Iraq for the third time and an 8 year old sister that has more questions than I can answer. I wake up daily wondering how and why and when will our Son come home. We have very supportive friends who have never come close to asking when I will get over it, I think they know I wont. My husband and children are suffering as much as I am because we can find no answers. I know we are all blessed to have other children and loved ones, but that will never take away or lessen the pain and I can’t say that time helps. I am searching for answers, but I’m not sure I know all the questions or even have the rigth to ask for answers.
My wife and I lost our only child, Drew on August 22, 2005. He was 28 years old. He was diagnosed with systemic JRA at age 8. He was also my best friend besides my wife. Yes, Arthritis can be a terminal disease, although it was never stated by any doctor. We knew the powerful meds he took over the last 20 years of his life would shorten it, but NEVER in our wildest imagination did we believe he would be taken from us at 28.
He went through hardships that none of us could imagine, 2 hip replacements as a freshman in high school, but he was a graduate of the University of delaware, lived in Hoboken, NJ, comuted to Norwalk, Ct daily in his advertising job, bought and managed a Wildwood, Nj property, and comuted to attend Phillies games on the season ticket plan we had since he was 8.
For all of you who have posted your recent loses. Yes, the world’s statute of limitations for you dealing with your loss is 6 months tops. You can choose to listen to that nonsense. I’m not over it now, nor do I see it in the near future. My future is gone, with no possibility of regaining it.
There are a significant number of friends I’ve had over the years I’ve let go because they couldn’t deal with the reality that I am forever a different person. They wanted the same person, who doesn’t exist any more.
Those of us who have lost a child are different, and make those who haven’t gone through that EXTREMELY uncomfortable, like it is a disease they can catch.
I hope all of you can gain some sense of dealing with the sentence we have been given.
Survival is one day at a time.
Dear Dr
I’ve lost 2little children in a brutal car accident. The one was my son Leroy(3) and my daughter Lazuliete(7). I was 2years in intencive care but when I come back they were already burrie.I was left cripple and can barely walk. The daily pain I was left with the thoughts of my 2 little children, I cant breath. I cant sleep, I cant think. I dont even comb my hair. I need help fast. I cant speak English very well and hope you can understand me.
Hi all, My oldest son Tony died Nov. 27 of an accidental drug overdose. We had gotten in an argument because of how high he was and he stormed out of the house. My youngesr son found him 4 days later in a partially constructed house next to ours, I too have read a lot of books, go to the compassionate friends mtgs and am involved in my chyuch. I too feel like no one understands or cares. I know it isn’t true but when people ask what they can do and I ask them to cakk me once a week or so, and no one calls it’s really hard. I have good days and bad gays. Today is a bad day where I just can’t stop crying. After I just had like a week of not crying at all. Right now I feel like the pain will never end and I can’t go on living like this. Tony had just turned 29 on 11/18. My other children are 32, 25 and 21. And they don’t understand either. They grieve but not the same. My heart goes out to all of you too. I’m so sorry we’ve all had to go through this.
Pat
Hello!
It’s one of those nights again where I have a hard time falling asleep. My life runs before my eyes and I can’t stop the reruns. I lost my husband 22 years ago at age 37 due to testicular cancer and my son in June of 2005 at age 24, as the result of a motorcycle accident. My 30 year old daughter has Down syndrome and hasn’t come anywhere near to recovering from the losses. Neither have I, but I must be strong because she counts on me to keep her together. Sometimes I feel that I want to get in the car and drive to the end of the world, wherever that is.
As many of you have expressed, the patience of others runs out real quick when we don’t move on according to their schedule. I have learned for the most part to do a good job faking it. My job helps me a lot. However, when I am alone at home, I may lay in bed a whole day, not answering any phone calls. That is my secret and now you know it too. I will never be the same, something others just don’t comprehend. In their defense, they can’t possibly unless they too live through the experience of losing a child or spouse, or both. Something we all wouldn’t wish on anybody. My heart goes out to all of you for your terrible loss (es). May God be with you in your lonely and sad hours. Irene
This is the only REAL understanding I’ve had or read since I lost my ONLY Son 7 years ago. (feels like yesterday) I still have BAD days & see no change ever , & have gotten rid of a lot of friends also , like others have. Yes I do blame god if there is one . which I was raised to believe , but my preacher told me my Son was never mine to begin with , belonged to god not me —so I cut out the church also. (you don’t say that to a Mother who had just lost her only Son).
Yes I still get angry, & close out the whole world, but reading about all the other Mothers /Dads who lost their adult children has made me know others know how I feel . & understand the soul inside that never stops bleeding.
I loved him dearly —he was my whole world , we had so much fun together, I died with him somehow. I go to the cemetery & can’t cry , I don’t or can’t feel him there. (I lost my own Mother right after my Son) . He is with me all the time.
To that lady who thinks because she lost her child –she said she’s not a Mother any more —I got news for her —the bond of love you have for them is so strong , death can’t break it , you NEVER stop being their Mother, I felt like that at first , then I realized , nothing had changed –I was still his Mother no matter what .
My sister tries to understand , but she has 3 children & 1 great grand child . & they never catch a cold. My Son was asthmatic from age 2 –it’s been uphill all the way –see why we were so close ? we went thru so much together Dr’s & hospitals. He changed my life forever when he came & changed it again forever when he left me. he was 32 ( his father died soon after he did also).
We’ll never know all the answers , but it’s for sure they’re waiting & will never forget us , they say you take nothing out of this world –I think you take the love & your memories , especially the Good ones. these memories help to sustain us & get us thru the rough spots , my son left me so many I cherish every one of them.
to all who’ve lost someone —may you find courage love & hope .
I lost my ONLY Son Jun 24 2008.The last time I have seen him alive was when we celebrated his 40 birthday/engagement on May 26, 2008.
We all were so happy.
My son was riding his motorcycle and the car on a cross rod fail to stop on a stop sign. I have got a call from the hospital in MI at 20.15 that he was badly
Hurt, but toking and than at 20.25 that he did not make it.
I used to work in World Trade Center. on 9/11 I had doctors appointment why ? Why my son and not me instead ?
It is almost a year and it is worth not better. The only thing I learn is to hide my filings better from everybody including my husband and my brother so they
Will not be upset with me. I am 64 but still working and it helps.
I used to have a lot of friends, all holiday were in my house, almost all of them are not calling or coming to see me any more . Grief is a very lonely thing
To go thru . My life now is like an endless nightmare, only occasional dream when I see him brings some relive .
Sorry if there are spelling errors , English is not my native tongue
Dear Linda,
I read your May 1, 2009 statement about losng your son and I feel like you do: my son is bleeding all the time, my son is with me all the time, there are days when I can’t cry, and my life is changed forever. It’s hard for me to relae to “other people” whose lives have not been changed like ours have. My son was 35 when he died. Will you resond to me, maybe, and we can support each other…..
Arlene
This is the first time I have tried to contact with others that belong to the same nightmare club. The golden light of my life ended for me July 12, 2008 at 2:43 when I found my son Michael dead. I know how he looked, his skin felt, I know his lips felt so soft and so cold. I don’t how I felt I got his body from his bed to the floor. Michael was a big man and I am a small woman (he weighed 230 and was 6’3″ and I am 5’5″and weigh 105. Michael had finally left his wife and things were looking up for of both us and there was no reason for him to die. The thing that I miss the most, sound of him snoring, his wonderful sound of his laughter, and his sneaky tricks and wonderful special scent of him. His dad died in 1994 of alcohol overdose and Michael died of a drug overdose. . I know this comment sounds so shattered but that but I have had no one to speak of this. If my younger sister had not come to live with me killing myself was a posibility, but I could never let anyone I care about find me.
I am looking for someone who would know the pain I feel and maybe help me get through this.
Becky
Dear Becky,
I know the pain you feel as does everyone who wrote their story on this site. I also found my son Michael dead, and I have trouble accepting that he is gone. I wrote a brief summary on January 16th if you wish to read it. I go to Compassionate Friends meetings monthly, and even though I cry a lot while there, everyone attending has lost an adult child. Only someone who has experienced this loss can understand that a piece of our hearts are missing and can never be replaced. I could just go on and on about how wonderful my son was, and how much I miss him, but I don’t have to tell you. I don’t know how to help you get through this loss. I can only suggest Compassionate Friends. They have meetings all over the U.S. I found them on the internet. I don’t know if my address will be shown with this email. If so, feel free to email me back at any time.
Pat
Hello to all,
I lost my only daughter Laura on July 1st, 2009. She comitted suicide after a long time battle with depression due to the extensive drug abuse. There are no words to describe the pain that seems to grow each day.
By reading all the posts, I do realize, it is ok to feel the way I feel now, to cry, to feel the pain and I don’t feel so alone in my agony.
I lost my younger son on January 17, 2009 in a one car accident. I answered my door at 3 A.M. to find a police officer standing there. He told me there had been an accident and I needed to get to the hospital. He asked if my older son had anyone with him in the car. I told him I didn’t think so. He took my cell phone and started calling people to come and take me to the hospital. (No one was answering their phone at 3 A.M.) I finally got in my car and drove myself. On my way to the hospital I called my son Brian’s cell phone to tell him to get to the hospital as soon as he got the message, because his brother had been in an accident.
When I got to the hospital, I was taken in a tiny room and told that my older son Michael was injured in the accident. They said there was another passenger in the car. They asked if I had another son. I told them I had a younger son named Brian. The officer then told me that Brian “didn’t make it”. I had no idea the two of them were together that night. I think I may have went into shock. I remember saying over and over “That can’t be, you made a mistake, not Brian”…
I could hear Michael yelling in tears from his bed in the next room “Where is Brian” ???
And then I heard him wailing “Brian, I am so sorry” !!! Brian, I am so sorry” !!!
When I went in to see Michael, he was crying and telling me “he was sorry” and “Please Forgive Me” . I leaned over and hugged him, as best I could, (he had a broken shoulder) and told him God forgave him and so did I.
It didn’t take long before the emergency room was filled with my son’s friends. It all seemed so surreal to me. My preacher came and stayed with me for hours. As we walked outside, the sun was coming up and I looked at my preacher and said “The World Still Goes On”. It is a new day. I don’t know how I was so calm. I still believe it was shock.
Michael had to have surgery, so I put off the services for Brian a few days. It was a closed casket. Some family members were upset that it was closed and they didn’t get closure.
I was blessed to have Brian work for me and I saw him every morning and every afternoon for the last 5 1/2 years of his life. It is so hard to go to the office and not have him sitting across from me.
I have tried to find a similar situation on the internet about a sibling driving a car and the other sibling dying. It is so hard for my older son. The guilt is sometimes unbearable for him. I can’t begin to imagine how he copes. When he closes his eyes he sees his brother lying next to him and he can’t help him. Brian died instantly, upon impact , when the car hit the tree.
If that were not enough heartache for us to deal with, the DA is charging my older son with manslaughter. If anyone has heard of a similar situation please be kind enough to share with me.
As many others on this site, I too have a very strong faith in God. If it were not for the grace of God I would not be able to cope. He is with me everyday and I know He will NEVER leave my side.
Brian was 27 years old and I also lost my husband to leukemia 6 years ago at the age of 50 yrs old.
Life does not seem fair sometimes but we have to move on. I have to repeat that to myself everyday. Please keep us in your prayers and we will do likewise for you.
God Bless
Judy
Hello,
I also found my 33 yr gone from a drug overdose in February. Although I am starting to grief less I am totally obsessed with thinking that there was something I should of done that could have helped him. He was a wonderful, caring father who held done a good job but I suspected he had a problem with painkillers. If only I could have him back I would have tried to help him. I know everyone says that I couldn’t have helped him unless he was willing but I still feel so much guilt….
My daughter passed away Sept 2, 2008. Yesterday was her 43rd birthday, the first one I have had to endure without her.
I lost my 10 yr old in a car accident 13yrs ago. My 12yr old son was critical as well, but made it with lots of operations, etc. I think becasue my son was fighting for his lfe, it kept my mind busy and did not give myself the time or opprtunity to deal with Bianca’s death. 13 years later it still hurts so much and I just don’t knwo how to deal with this. Since my son recovered, he has been so rebellious. He is currently in a rehab and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and I don’t even know how to deal with this as well. He has his own family (wife, 3yr old son and 2 month daughter) and both are not working which also makes it so difficult for me as I have two other daughters and a husband to take care of. my husband is not my son’s biological father which makes it even worse. IS there soemone out there that has the same kind of issues and maybe give me some sort of advice?
I lost my son two years ago he was having fun with his friend bad storm he sliped water was cold there was a storm the service was called they would not go to recuse him due to health and safety reg. he drowmed and died I lost my son? how do I juustify this does god really exit I don’t think so. I also support a orphanage in India since 1992 their parents died why why
Hello Everyone I lost my beautiful Adrienne just three weeks ago. She had terminal cancner at age 48, it had advanced to far. She went through the chemotherapy and we had big hopes and faiht that God would heal her. I prayed and cried for months begging God not to take my baby girl. We were so very close. We vacationed together, went to dinner and plays. Regardless of my prayers Adrienne went home to be with God on July 2nd 2009.. Since I knew it was coming and I held her the Sunday before she died and we said our goodbyes, hugged and cried together. I keep myself reasonably composed but I break out with tears, sometimes quiet and sometimes, not so quiet almost every day. She was the nuturer and planner in our family. She has left a wonderful husband of 27 years and two teen aged chikdren. I was not happy with God for not answering my earnest prayers. I realize now that He did answer my prayer, He said NO, it is time for her to come back to me. He allowed His Son Jesus to die and for good reason. Perhaps my grandchidren will be extremely successful in her memory and influence others to accept Christ. That is what I want to believe. However my pain is almost unbearable. A part of me has been cut away and the wound is not yet healing. My heart goes out to anyone who has to bear the terrible pain of loss., Adrienne was a wonderful person and infuenced many young people is her job in education.. Althoug I still have three other living wonderful chikldren, there wll always be that missing piece of me that once was my baby girl Adrienne. I see no end in sight to the pain..
I have already written somewhere else on this site, but am new to it. My oldest daughter died in a single vehicle care accident March 4, 2009. I feel like I’m going crazy, the pain is unbearable. I have a loving husband and two other children, but I feel like we are circling each other in our pain. We talk, cry, talk, cry and round we go. It is somehow comforting to read that we all feel the same and maybe I’m not crazy. I guess I shouldn’t expect this to somehow get ‘better’. The most I can hope for is getting through it. My daughter was 24 and had become a friend to me. She had finally gotten her life on track. She left behind a daughter, who is now two. I share custody with her ex (a whole other storey) and am struggling with how to talk to her about her mom. She still asks but hasn’t cried for a few weeks now. She won’t go to sleep on her own anymore and is getting more ‘clingy’. She keeps me focused, but my heart aches for her as well. Does anyone know where I can get some advice on what to say to her? Do I keep talking about her mom and let her cry? Do I wait till she is older? It is so hard to know what to do. Her little heart is broken too!
My son Wm. (Bill) David Heed Jr. passed July 15,2009.
The pain is just like everyone else has said. It is the worse I have ever had to endure. My son was 52 years old. He lived with my husband and me for the last four years. He had plumanary Fibrosis and was using oxygen 24/7. He was my friend, son, part of my every day routine. I don’t really want ot live anymore. But, I have a wonderful (quiet) husband. Two adult daughters, 6 grandsons, and one granddaughter. My son’s son’s are 24, 22, 20 – I have love around me, but I just wnat to die. I hate this pain. I know others have gone through grief, but I hate it. I miss him so much. The hole in my heart is huge. I am trying to fill it with my son.
He was my first born and my only son. Oh, how I miss him, and wish he was here with us healthy and whole.
If you want to email me: joanmul@comcast.net
Hello, I just happened to stumble on this page. I lost my daugher and my grand-daughter last year. My daughter was due to deliver my grand-daughter in a week. We lost them both due to complications in her pregnancy. I still feel so lost. It was Feb 19th 2008. Part of me died with her. lisafromhome@yahoo.com
I stumbled on this website today for the first time and thank each one of you for sharing your experiences, pain and grief. My son Mark (48) died of a drug overdose on May 27, 2009, and like the rest of you, I’ve never felt such grief in my life. Mark became addicted to heroin at a young age and had admitted himself to a drug treatment program in September, 2008. We all really believed he would finally be able to turn his life around and achieve freedom from his drug addiction. In a way, my husband, daughter and myself have been grieving for years because of what the drugs did to Mark and our relationship with him – however, we never gave up hope and now that is gone forever.
My beloved younger brother Don died August 18th, 2008, of a particularly aggressive brain cancer, so I’m still grieving that loss along with my son’s death. People have been kind, but their lives move on and most are dealing with their own challenges. The hardest thing sometimes is to feel others are uncomfortable talking about either Mark or Don – like many of you, I think there is a tendency to believe that’s all in the past and best put behind. When someone tells me ‘remember all the good things’ it makes me feel as though I am somehow supposed to be cheerful and move on – something I don’t think is going to happen. I will go on, but I don’t believe we ‘get over’ the death of a child, no matter how old they are, nor the death of a beloved sibling either.
Thanks for listening to me- I’ve been having a good cry as I type this.
My condolences to each of you on your devastating loss(es).
Sharon
I went to google to look up some info or help in dealing with the loss of my son. He was 33, in the prime of his life with a wife and 3 little ones. 11, 7, and the baby just turned 1, Sept 2nd. He was killed August 22, 2009 in a four wheeler accident where the machine flipped and fell on him and broke his neck. It is so devestating as this keeps going through my mind. Never even had a chance to say goodbye. He was my youngest son. I cry to sleep and cry waking up. The pain never goes away. I miss him so much. I know were not suppose to ask WHY, but I can’t help it. I just don’t understand. I’m not looking forward to the holidays as I know nothing will be the same again. He was the goofy clown of our family and all his siblings are still not exccepting it. His brother was his best friend, his sister called him every morning as he was an over the road trucker and they kept in touch. I just feel so empty inside. I get such a weak feeling that comes over me at times and drains all my energy from me. Our hearts ache and theres only my church family that give us words of encouragement and comfort during this very difficult time.
I know what your all going through and I pray that the many beautiful memories will carry you on wings of love to a tomorrow of comfort and peace.
In Christ Love,
Carole
On July 26 2009 my 27yr old son died and as of today I am still waiting on the toxicology report back to find out why he died. My guess is drugs and alcohol related because those 2 things is what he did. I love my son but we had a difficult relationship. I didn’t approve of the things he did and I didn’t suffer in silence about them and he never liked what I had to say you see he was taught not to respect women from his father and the years I stayed in a marriage that was abusive. He died and the last words he said to me was the day before he died I talked to him on the phone and he was upset with me and told me “don’t be surprized mom if you get a phone call someone telling you I am dead” it was not 24 hrs I got that call. Now I am on my grief journey which I have been on before I lost my 2nd husband 5 yrs ago. This one is so different I loved my son so much and believed he could be so much more than he was what I don’t know is did he love me? Why didn’t he believe in himself as much as I did? How will I ever be able to move on with my life and accept what I have to accept without the answers to these questions.
I just lost my 24 year old son, Adam on Ocotber 4. We were at a convention in Montana, I went to wake him up, and could not. We are still waiting for the cause of death. He did have seizures, and cannot get out of my mind the picture of him laying there, and not knowing he was dead. The pain is so great.
Can anyone help me, please.
I want to say to all of you how sorry and sad I am that you are all suffering from the loss of your children. I do not think there are any reasons to the ‘Why’ question or that you will or should get over it.
My story is not the same. My daughter was 17 when she was diagnosed with a large brain tumor. She had multiple surgeries and was in the hospital for 3 months followed by 6 weeks of daily radiation. For a long period of time while she was in the hospital she was near death. We fought back the tears to be strong for her and it wasn’t until she was home and 9 months later that I fell apart over the whole ordeal. My nerves have been raw ever since. That was 3 years ago and she had to go back for another surgery this last June because the tumor was growing. She is home and trying to live as normal a life as possible.
During this time our 20 year old neighbor killed in an auto accident. I grieve for the parents. Then 2 weeks ago my sons very dearest friend was killed in a motorcycle accident. Today was his memorial. I haven’t been able to cope very well with the loss of these young men. I am heart broken and they are not even my children. I don’t know how you all live with this pain. I need your advise as to how to best help the mother of my son’s friend. I don’t know her but I know her pain, like that which you all feel, is overwhelming. She lost her husband 9 years ago to cancer and she has two other adult sons that are very close to her. But as you all know, the rest of the world goes on and I’m sure she is wanting to just stop living herself. How can I be of any help or comfort?? I don’t know her?? I think I’m feeling the pain because of how close we came to losing our daughter. The other thing is, that when I was at the hospital holding on to my daughters hand and reminding her to breath and stay with us, I was so thankful that no one was there with us. I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts and deal with my feelings alone. Because I felt this way, I wonder if others might feel the same and not want people constantly asking how they are doing. Any suggestions how to handle this situation?
Thank you and may God bless you all with beautiful memories of your sweet children.
Michelle
This message may help Evie. We lost our daughter in July of 2008. She developed an infection and sepsis and was dead in less than 24 hours. We had no chance to say goodbye. I have a terrible time even now with the feelingsof guilt that I wasn’t with her when she died. She was in so much pain. We could never have imagined such devastation. My heart goes out to all of the parents who have gone through this. I lost my daughter and also my best friend. We saw each other every day. We shared the same sense of humor and I haven’t truly laughed since she died. She had a 2 year old son who now lives with us as my daughter and her partner were no longer together when she died. We had such a terrible time (and still do) dealing with our grief and trying to help our Grandson through the grief of losing his beloved Mother. Her whole life revolved around her little boy. I would like to assure Evie that it does become a little easier as time goes on. We, too, had no idea what to do or say to help the little guy. He was clingy for about a year (he literally clung to my leg for at least 3 months after she died) and it’s only been the last few months he’s been able to let me leave without a huge panic attack. Unfortunately I had to go back to work and he has learned that I will come back. He still panics at times if he can’t find me in the house. We have learned to tell him where we will be at all times even if it’s just going outside to get the mail. At first he talked a lot about his Mom. We made it clear from the beginning that she had died and we would never see her again. Otherwise he was constantly wanting her to “come Back”.. It was also so hard for us to bring him back to his house. He left his house one day to stay with us when his Mom was sick and never went back. Basically He lost everything he had know in his life in one night….his Mom, his room, his house…everything. I was too devestated to go back to her house for a long time. We coped by just explaing things in child’s terms when he asked questions. Now he is 3 1/2 and I can tell him a little more about his Mama. He still gets sad and when he smells a piece of her clothing or perfume and says he wants Mama back. I let him be clingy and just try to reassure him as much as possible that all the other people he loves won’t all die too. It is such a challenge to try and keep it together for the sake of the remainder of your family. There were days when I didn’t want to live but knew I had to for the sake of the rest of the family who were devastated and grieving as well.
I wish all of the grieving families out there the hope that the worst, excruciating pain will fade….it will NEVER go away. Somehow we have to learn to live life with that loss. I spend a lot of time thinking about Kelley and wishing I could have been there for her I am such a different person now and probably a better one as I have found new compassion and empathy and an ability to sort what is important in life from what is truly trivial. I’ve also learned to be a much more gentle and forgiving Mother to my 21 year old son and my grandson. My heart goes out to all of you in your terrible grief.
Ruth Golden – I read your letter and know exactly what you are going through as our precious daughter, 46, died Nov. 7, 2009 from stage 4 breast cancer. She was diagnosed in 1997, but in 2003 it returned in her bones. She had gone through hell trying to beat the disease and often said she would be around until they found a cure. She was determined, couragous and always had a smile for everyone even when she was in a great deal of pain.
When it spread to her liver and blocked a bile duct she was gone in about 6 weeks.
We found out how many lives she had touched when the church was overflowing at her service. She gave so much love and we could see it coming back around to her.
I can not believe I will not see her again in this life. I just take one step at a time. With the love of family and friends we will get throught this difficult time.
I worry so about her husband and 18 year old daughter who graduates from high school this year. An only child and very close to her mom (she says her mom was her best friend).
Debbie’s Mom
after reading what you all have to say. i dont feel so alone i always knew others had lost there children. when you lose your own it is different. the pain the hole in your life i feel will never end.
some days it is all i can do to get out of bed and go to work.. i told my sis i was going to run away this weekend. i am going to drive until i find some thing i want to look at or am tired. i want to be some where no one knows who i am or who my son was. i am tired of telling people “i’m hanging in there”
when i feel like falling apart.
my son would have been 23 on dec 3
ytter’s MOM ytter is my sons screen name
I lost my son Michael, He was 29 yrs old. Micheal died in his sleep. Michael died on his sons second birthday. His wife found him not breathing. I was on a camping trip 3 hours away trying to reclaim my husband who was lusting for another. I got a call and rushed home to find my son dead. They said he left a note on his computer about how much he loved his family, Michael always left notes that was not unusual. His wife, i have found is very cold hearted, went straight into a relationship within weeks. She talked about her being his benificuary hours after death. Her behavior was odd. Michael was driving home from work one night in August of 08 he came onto a tragic bus wreck that just happened, he pulled people from the wreckage alive to have them die in his arms. He worked the entire accident, they should have made him leave, He was never the same after that, His health went down hill. He sought help with the visions of the wreck that were in his head, The help he received was Pills and more pills. The autopsy said Suicide, heart failure, renal failure pneumonia elevated xanax, Fractured ribs. My son did not commit sucide, but because of a note, that is what it read. I dont know how my son died. I felt like the 6 mo before my son died was what you called hell, with what i was going through to save a marriage, But when i lost him, my marriage means nothing to me. I have found that being a mom comes first, i have 2 other children and that grandson that my son left me has giving me the strenght to live. Life now is Hell, going to sleep is impossible i miss him. Hiding the pain inside is hard. People avoid me because i’m strange. I do weird things. I’m always trying to find him. I listen waiting for him to give me answers. I pay attention waiting for something. I really have nothing in common with people around me, i’m not the same i see differently, I have found that i’m in this alone. I’m so lost. I woke to a different place that i dont know my way around. There is no use talking to ones around me for they have no idea of my pain. I feel has if i have been twisted up. I feel tired. I dont even know me anymore. I have to live the rest of my life like this. The loss of a child is something that can not be explained, there are not words to correctly explain the pain, the loss, the confusion, the turmoil, and the hell you live. That god awful emptiness. I feel awkward. I feel different.
I lost my husband age 43, in March 2009 to a disease that has not only taken his life but also his father before him. I am writing in behalf of my mother-in-law who had to see her husband die to the same disease that her son has died from. This is her second child, her baby boy her everything. It hurts to see her go thru the pain that she has endured. I don’t know what it’s like to lose a child but I do know what it’s like to lose someone you truly love. I was hoping that I could get some help, if anyone out there have any suggestions.
She didn’t want to go to counseling but I think my sister-in-law has finally convinced her to go. She is struggling with this and it hurts to see her go thru this. I know that each of us go thru our own greiving process and that we deal with it so differently, but I would like to know if there are any books out there that I could get for her. Anything that would help her deal with her loss. I wish I could bring him back but it was his time to go.
I stumbled upon this site accidentally, looking for ways to deal with christmas when grieving, and I thank you all for sharing your tragic losses. I think for the first time in months I don’t feel I am walking a foggy path totally on my own.
I lost my beautiful daughter on 5th February 2008, 15 months after she was diagnosed with Lupus. She was 18 and had started a psychology course at Leicester University in the October. As soon as she left home the Lupus seemed to accelerate and she spent almost all of the November in hospital, came out for a few days and then was taken back in, frequent blood transfusions followed, various medications, some which made her so sick she couldn’t keep even water down.
We had one last christmas with her, but even then she was dealing with severe headaches and not even the strongest pain relief was helping.
She worried that she had done no revision for exams she had in January. As ill as she was she still wanted to do her best in all things.
She went back to Uni on January 11th 2008, I never saw her again.
I spoke with her the night before she passed away, I said ‘I don’t know what to do anymore’ a few hours later she was taken to Intensive Care, where she suffered complete organ failure. I was on the train on my way to get to her, the train left at 9.47, my beautiful daughter passed away at 9.50. She was 18.
Last year there was no christmas, my dad was ill in hospital with bowel cancer, he was diagnosed in the July, less than six months after I lost my daughter, I was still in shock but the family’s focus moved away from my loss to my dad’s condition and so I was left to struggle with not only his impending death but also the hole Heather had left in my life.
I couldn’t write cards out, not adding her name was too hard to do, and the ones that arrived here to my son and myself seemed incomplete.
This year I am trying to give my son a christmas, I do know life has to go on, but it’s just so hard.
My daughter was my world, my friend, my confidante. The day she left to go to Uni, she left me a letter which I found afterwards in which she wrote ‘I know how hard this is going to be for you, that you have spent all your life since we came along bringing us up and being there for us, and that you will feel lonely and the house will seem empty, but I am only at the end of a phone,I love you, and I will be back soon’
Some days it would seem so easy to just end this pain for myself, to not have to wake up and try to get through another day without her.
I too have let some friends go, they don’t understand, they talk non stop about their children as though because I have lost mine I must therefore be trebly interested in theirs, even when I try to mention my daughter, because I like talking about her, they won’t let me, they shift the conversations back to their own children. At first I understood, they didn’t know what to say, they felt talking about her might upset me, they didn’t want to make me cry.
The truth is I will cry anyway, because I love her and I miss her, but not being allowed to talk about her or mention her name makes it all so much worse and so certain friends have had to go because I can’t handle how they are handling it.
I am not who I was, and I never will be again. I have my son and I love him, but there were two, there was a daughter, and when people say ‘you still have your son’ I don’t understand what they mean, she existed and her loss is not decreased because I have her brother, they were two different people and however selfish it sounds, I want the two children that I had.
This year I am without my dad as well, I can make sense of his loss, he was 81 and he had cancer, it doesn’t mean I don’t miss him or that I wish he hadn’t suffered as he did, but he left behind a life time of memories for us. My daughter only had 18 years and sometimes I worry that the memories will fade, I’m almost afraid to think of her too often incase I wear those precious memories out.
I am so sad that we are all members of this painfully horrible club, but I do thank you for sharing your losses on here because I know that you all understand how it feels and that six months is not going to put everything right, I think once you lose a child you lose part of yourself forever
I hope the holidays are bearable for you all
thank you for sharing
Thank you to everyone on here for sharing your stories. You do feel like you are the only one who has lost a child. I lost my son 39 two weeks ago to heart failure. A friend tried to revive him and he started his heart again, there was no phone service so the friend went for help. It was too late when they revived him again as being that long without oxygen to the brain, he was brain damaged. He was on life support for six days. We can be thankful that we could say goodbye and got to see him still breathing although it was by a machine. I kissed him as much as I could and breathed in his smell and have some of his hair. He just looked as he always did, but asleep. My heart goes out to parents whose children have been killed in an accident and don’t get to see their child still looking healthy. We are still waiting for the coroner’s report to see if there was something else as he was so young to die from a heart attack. You are the only people who know the pain. I will grieve for him forever and as only you all know a big part of your heart has gone. I am finding I don’t want to see anyone anymore and don’t want people looking at me with pity and the short time I was out, I am treated differently. This site has been great to get out the feelings and my heart goes out to all of you and you are the only ones that will ever understand. cmpresto@tpg.com.au
I lost my daughter on December 4th, 2009. I am still in a fog. I cry every day. I feel I cannnot go on. Life seems unreal. She would have been 29 on Dec 18th. I know how Nicky feels when she is not wanting to talk to any one. I really do not want to hear about other people’s children and happy times they are having. I have to go back to work next week and I do not want to talk to any one about my daughter. She was my everything and like every mother, I loved her with all my heart. I will miss her forever. She left behind her daughter, she misses her mother very much. I wish there was some way I could understand this was not the natural order of things. The mother should go before the child. I only want to see and be with my daughter. I will always wonder why??? The pain in my chest is never going to go away. I feel like I am going to have a heart attack, with the pain. My mind is on her every hour of the day. I cannot think of anything else. I am aware of every breath, and the pain I have brearthing. How and when will the pain end???
I, like Nicky, stumbled on this site accidently, looking for someone who might understand the emptiness I feel at losing my son last february. It has been almost a year and the pain is still so great. The holidays feel so different now. I can’t wait for them to be over. My son was 34. He died after 12 years as a vent-dependent quadraplegic because of a diving accident when he was 22.
We cared for him and watched him live bravely through all the hardships of being totally dependent after he had lived a very active life. The last few years he spent in so much pain, and when he died I was relieved he was no longer suffering. We had become very close he was my best friend as well as my son. Now I find myself missing him more than ever. I feel like life is going on but I am just here. I have 2 daughters and he was my youngest. It has been hard for all of us but I feel like as time goes by everyone is just going on with their lives but I can’t seem to get on with living. Its like things are changed forever and will never be the same. I keep wondering if this is normal. I am thankful to read comment from all of you, it somehow makes my grief a little easier. Thank you!
I’ve just returned from the funeral of a 33 year old,- It was a suicide. He was the son of my closest and dearest friend (we met in 1st grade) She, I know, is in shock, as she was comforting all the mourners. I am so concerned for her I don’t know what to do. She has just lost her husband to pancreatic cancer 6 months ago- her 30 year old son is inconsolable-I,myself, have never suffered such a loss and cannot imagine the intolerable pain. I was surfing and discovered this site and just want to say I am so sorry for all of u – I never realized just how much suffering people can endure u are all very brave- and have given me a new sense of compassion- Peace
I, like many of you, lost a child. My only son died in May 2007. Six weeks short of turning 20. He suffered from a seizure disorder, couldn’t walk or talk and needed 24/7 coverage. He was like a 6 month old, in a young adult body. He died in his sleep 4 days after coming home from the hospital where he’d been treated for pneumonia. I was on my way home from work when he died and still feel guilty about not being with him when he died. I saw him just as the Fire Dept. EMT’s and the police arrived at my house. On my worst nights I can bring up the lat time I saw him; he was so cold and blue. I remember it in detail. My mom passed away 6 months after my son. It wasn’t the same. She was 84 and had lived a long and happy life. you have no idea what it’s like. I have 5 siblings. They all have 3 children. Their children will grow up and have children. Mine never will. He was my only child. My siblings can’t imagine how I’ve suffered and the anguish and despair I’ve felt at times. They just don’t understand how profoundly devastating it is to lose a child. Part of my heart and soul died with my son. Celebrations/holidays are extremely difficult. I did see a private therapist for a year after my son died. This past August I joined a group of other parents who have lost a child. We meet every 2 weeks. It’s the only place I’ve felt comfortable talkingf about my son and knowing others have seen and experienced the dark side of grief helps.
I lost my son 1 year and 1 day ago. Five days after his 36th birthday, exactly 1 week since I had last seen him, exactly 36 years since we brought him home from the hospital as a newborn. I don’t think this gets easier. The thing that seems to help me the most is when people let me talk about him and mention his name. I am still amazed at the people who who won’t mention his name because they don’t want to “remind” me – as if I could forget. The worst were those who avoided me like I was going to become hysterical in front of them or this was something they could catch. When Rob died, a big chunk of my heart and soul died with him.
my son died in a car accident aug. 6 2008. seems like forever. 2 illegal aliens were going 100 mph on a morning with 0 visability fog. they lost control of thier truck and killed my son who was only doing 40 . i diddnt get to say goodby and i wish i could have protected him. i still greive and most days i dont want to die now . the pain isnt life threatening most of the time now but it still hurts[ sometimes more than others] i have 3 other children but each of them has equal value. perhaps the best thing was when my daughter satd : mom will i have to come back to bury you? anger pain hate hurt = my child. then in april i buried my stepson who died of cancer. pure pain. my granddaughter started hemoraging in feb. almost lost her but we did loose her son due to negligence but it wont bring him bsck. two days later his grandfather had to have life support shut off/ one buried on sat and one on sun. my daughter is being treated for blood clots in her lungs and is going through a divorce. my other son just fell off a two story roof and my youngest daughter was injured in a work related accident and it was her grandson we lost. i dont want to hear im a strong person ,i just want to make some sense out of all this i get up and go to work although im on commission and my pay is down 50percent. i had always heard that you nwere really in trouble if you werent adjusting in a year ,but year from when i am so tired and i feel like i am in a deep dark hole . thank god for my children becouse they give a reason to live i couldnt do xmas last year ,my patience is short but i am trying to move forward until it grts better barb
the thing that keeps me going is that many people have it worse than i do
Dear Karen,
I feel like you are speaking for me. I lost my son, Alan, on 10/2/07. It’s been over two years. He was 35. Your heart and mine could be sisters. I know you understand my grief. Part of me is dead also….a huge part of me. I no longer expect to feel joy and enthusiasm. I push through life for my other son and two small grandsons. If it weren’t for them, I don’t know if I would ever get up in the morning.
People avoid talking about Alan also to me also. I want to talk about him because it keeps him “alilve,” but yet I feel sad when I talk about him. I am conflicted. Mostly, I try and distract myself with other activities…some days it works better than other days.
I don’t sleep well, and his words and image flash through my mind constantly. I could hear a song he liked, or small a food he enjoyed, and I’m remembering and missing him. The pain is so great that I don’t want to go there and I spend my time trying to “distract” myself.
Yor sister in grief,
Arlene KOsakoff
Dear Esmie,
My heart goes out to you. I know how you feel when yo hear about other peoples’ children doing well and living their lives when your son is gone. I lost my son also and I will never be the same. I am trying to find a new purpose in life…maybe you can do the same. Our sons would want that. May you have the energy and strength to push forward and some day feel like you have a place in this world…..and may you feel peace again.
Arlene Kosakoff
Dear Margaret,
I also lost my son at the age of 35. He was a mama’s boy also. I feel like I lost myself. I was a mother and now I’m not, like you say. Alan was my whole life. I feel your pain and feel like you do. There is no reason for these things happening. No one should have to endure this awful suffering. My heart goes out to you, Margaret. I hope we both can gain strength and find some pupose iin this life because we are both still breathing and walking and talking. Just by reading your words, I feel I have company.
My son died on 10/2/07 and life has been changed forever. I wear the sweatshirts he wore. I remember his words, his movements, the TV shows he liked, the music he listened to, the sports he enjoyed. Part of me wants to keep him with me always by losing myself in his world…what was his world. Part of me wants to be wih the “living,” and not stay in the past. I’m confused, lost, sad, and not sure who am I or what I’m supposed to do, or how I’m supposed to feel.
Thank you for your post, Margaret.
Arlene Kosakoff
We lost our oldest child on Nov. 19, 2009. He was 53 years old. He had problems from birth that affected his kidneys and bladder. While growing up, he had many surgeries. But by the time he was 18, for all intents and purposes, the problems had been corrected.
Johnny left home when he was about 18. He never looked back. He lived his life the way he wanted, and often his dad and I didn’t know what he was doing or how he was doing. We didn’t see him on any regular basis. If Johnny had problems, he never talked about them to us. He kept so much to himself. He drank. He was married and divorced twice. . He was a very complex person. So much went on in his life that I never really knew about. He got diabetes about 1996. It was the crowning blow. He stopped drinking, but it was too late.
He moved back home about that time. He was not well. Health-wise, things kept going wrong. In May 2001, they found he had colon cancer. After two operations, he was cancer-free. But his health continued to get worse. By 2007, he couldn’t work any more. He had problems with blood clots. Had to give himself heparin shots daily for that. Took two kinds of insulin shots-morning and night. He dealt with metabolic problems that constantly went out of whack. Low blood pressure; often falling without warning.. Blood sugars that went out of control. He was in and out of the hospital. We had paramedics here several times a month.
In July, he had an anoxic stroke.. Speech, ability to walk, eating, thought-processing-all were affected. But he fought so hard, he came back to normal. By mid-August, he was doing really well. He was driving again. Going to the store, shopping, etc. It looked like he might have turned the corner. But by then, they found he had a blockage in an artery. He wasn’t strong enough for doctors to put in a stent. They were going to talk to him about what could be done in place of surgery. One night he went to bed. And never woke up. I found him in bed. It was horrible. The worst day of my life. He was gone. And believe it or not, I was not prepared to lose him. He fought so hard. And came back every time. I had reverted to doing all the things that mothers do when their child is ill. I was trying to take care of him. Make him well. Make his life good again. He was my main focus for so many months. But it wasn’t meant to be.
I have three other children, grandchildren and great-grandchild. I try to stay positive for them and for my husband. We all knew that Johnny’s life would not have a happy ending. But I still find living without him very hard. And I seem to be the only one that continues to miss him day after day. I want to talk about him. I talk to him at night when I go to bed. It helps me. But my husband gets annoyed if I say something like “this reminds me of Johnny.” I can see where my other kids are moving on. But my husband. How can he accept the loss of our first child without crying. So I cry when no one is around. And pray. I am 74. I don’t think I will ever get over losing my first baby.
I appreciate all of the comments about dealing with the loss of an adult child. My 31-yr-old only son died of a rare cancer on 9-30-09, five months after diagnosis. He had an incredibly positive and upbeat spirit throughout, believing until the very last week that he would beat it. I started and kept a blog over that time to keep family and friends updated. My husband grieves differently than I do, and so I am learning to try to hide my sadness sometimes even at home. As others mentioned, my heart physically hurts with surges of aching. The memorial service was wonderful, but friends don’t mention him much anymore. When we get together, they talk just as always before, but for me nothing is the same as before and so it all seems so trivial and uninteresting. My pain is invisible to them, but constantly present, and it would be helpful to me just have it acknowledged – to be asked how I am doing, and be able to share, cry, and feel some compassion. I put on a pretense with smiles and conversation, but after awhile I find myself exhausted as “the act” is so emotionally draining. It has only been 4 months, but I trust that God will provide comfort and a measure of healing if it’s possible. I am ever watchful for His blessings, however fleeting, to get me through another day, and pray I’ll become stronger and more empathetic to others for having endured this harshest of life’s blows. I pray the same for you all.
When I first wrote about Johnny here on this website, it was about me and how I feel about my loss of a child. It was like writing in a diary. Writing about my son’s life. But I re-read these messages from other mothers, and realize it’s not just about me. Or my child. It is about all of us – mothers who have lost a child. We are sad. Confused. We try to move on with our lives. But part of us can’t. That part of us is always lonely. That small part of us is that child who has gone.. There is a little book, Praying Through our Losses. Meditations for those who are grieving. It is a spiritual little book with little chapters that help you over the rough spots or during those dark hours.
I feel for everyone here. I also share. I lost my son in a terrible one car crash just this month. He lived in PA and I live in IL. Over the last few years I only got to see him once a year, but we talked by phone or internet. He made a lot of mistakes and bad choices during his teenage and young adult life, but he was rectifying them all. He was killed on January 3, 2010. He was just getting his life in order. We had just talked about it and I was so proud that he was finally making good choices and getting his priorities in order. He told me he and his fiance and their 2 boys (ages 2 n 6) were coming out here in February for a visit. He told me he was doing good and thinking about which church for the family to start attending. He wanted to go to the church he grew up in. I was excited for him and the visit in February. On the nite of January 3rd, when I was just falling asleep around 11:30, we got THE phone call. My baby (he was 25 and the youngest of 3) was in an accident and didn’t make it. I was a mess. I still am. I know what you all mean by everyone else moving on. I am still stuck in the moment. I hurt so bad, I cry all the time, I don’t want to go out of the house. I have to go back to work soon. I don’t think I can. I miss him. I didn’t get to tell him how proud I was of him or say goodbye. Its just like he was yanked away forever. Why? Why him? Why now? The ONLY thing I think about is him. First thing when I wake, last thing before sleep. I ache way down deep, I ache for my baby. I want to see him and touch him and hug him. this hurts like no other hurt a woman can feel. I’ve heard women say there is no pain greater than childbirth but they are wrong, losing the child no matter the age hurts way worse than bringing him into the world. There is no cure for this pain.
I lost my beautiful Mattie at age 25 to a single car accident on May 21, 2006. She was my bestfriend. I cannot believe she is gone. I cry everyday for her. We spoke by phone on May 15 and finished our call by telling the other one how much we loved each other. She was attending college in Las Vegas at UNLV and was to start the nursing program in the fall. She wanted to be a Neonatal Nurse Practioner. I was thrilled as I had been a neonatal intensive care nurse for over 30 yrs. 3 days following her death, I received my “belated”Mother’s Day card and gift from Mattie. I coincidentally received letters 3 days following the deaths of my mother in 1975 and grandmother in 1976. The hardest part of this grief work is not being able to say our final “goodbyes”. I suppose we did though in a mysterious way. Mattie and I owned and showed horses ever since she was 4 years old. She spent 2004-05 flying home to California as we went to all of the Quarter Horse shows with our trainer, Jeff Walker. That was such a great year of being together. The last time I put her on the plane to return to school, we were holding each other and sobbing uncontrollably. When she got checked through the line by the TSA personnel, I could only wave good-bye from behind the cordoned off area. There were no”visitors” allowed in the boarding area. But for whatever reason, the TSA agent saw us crying, came over to me and told me to go sit with Mattie until she boarded the plane. That had NEVER happened before at our airport. Someone in a highr place knew this was our last goodbye…..I will never forget that day and ultimately watching her wave to me from her window seat for the last time.
On Nov. 19 my 34-year-old son succumbed to a massive septic infection as a complication of an overdose of sleeping pills. He lived 19 days in the ICU unit of Cedars_Sinai Medical Center. While there, he “coded” four times and was conscious for nearly 9 of those horrific days. I seldom left his bedside and lived through the most nightmarish experience witnessing the enormity of his dire condition. I ultimately had to face the reality that he would only survive while mechanically sustained, which he, as a physician himself, had at one incidental conversation about one of his patients, had indicated to me would never want for himself. I undertook what I view as the greatest act of love for him by instructing that the respirator be turned off. He died in my arms and I held his body for the 4 allowable hours under California law.
It is now mid April and as a result of his death, my life has all but physically died with him. I have not been able to return to work and spend most of my days in despair and crying. The nightmares haunt me and the flashbacks of the horrors I witnessed assail my mind continuously. At times I wish I had died also. The pain seems to be more tan can be humanly possible to bear. I am so devastated by his death and miss him so much I forget that I also have a daughter who is also lost in the pain and sadness. I can’t seem to find meaning in life even when I am in therapy and taking medication. There is no greater heartbreak than that of losing a child and I cannot accept nor econcile the fact that he is gone.
I LOST MY 34 YEAR OLD SON THIS PAST LABOR DAY, HE WAS MY ONLY CHILD. ALL MY HOPES AND DREAMS DIED THAT DAY WITH HIM, A FRIEND OF MINE WOULD ALWAYS BRAG ABOUT HER GRANDCHILDREN TO EVERYONE I USE TO TEASE HER SHE WAS MAKING US LOOK OLD (WE HAD ARE KIDS WHEN WE WERE 16 YRS OLD) SHE’D ANSWER “ONE DAY YOU’LL UNDERSTAND WHEN YOUR A GRANDMOTHER”, I KEEP HEARING THOSE WORDS IN MY HEAD AND ALL I CAN DO IS CRY. IT HELPS TO TALK TO OTHERS WHO HAVE BEEN THROUGH THIS NIGHTMARE WE CAN’T WAKE FROM-I READ SOMEWHERE “WHEN YOU LOSE YOUR HUSBAND YOU BECOME A WIDOW, WHEN YOU LOSE YOUR WIFE YOU BECOME A WIDOWER, WHEN YOU LOSE YOUR PARENTS YOU BECOME AN ORPHAN WHEN YOU LOSE A CHILD IT’S SO UNTHINKABLE THERE IS NO NAME FOR IT.”
I cannot tell you that I understand how it must feel to lose an adult child. But on April 5th I lost my daughter. She was stillborn. I was 38 weeks along in my pregnancy. I went to the doctor on that Monday morning and found out that she had passed away. They sent us straight to the hospital where I was given medication to put me into labor. I went through almost 8 hours of full labor and delivery with no reward at the end. I would not be able to hear my daughter’s first cries as she entered this world. We watched as her dead body was pushed from my body. It was the most horrible feeling to push and push and push then see her dead body coming out. I did get to hold my little angel and kiss her and tell her how much her daddy and I love her. But I will never get to experience life with her. I will never get the chance to be kept up all night by her cries, I will never get to see her sit up for the first time, or roll over for the first time, or say her first words, or take her first steps. I will never get to hear my angel say “mommy”. As mothers you know there is an immediate bond with your child when you are pregnant with them. I was so excited every time I felt the slightest movement from her, or heard her heartbeat, or when I got to see her on an ultrasound. She was/is a huge part of me. I have lost my daughter and like others I have not found the way to get through it. I spend my days crying and my evenings crying some more to her daddy. Again, I do not know the feeling of losing an adult child, but I can tell you the feeling of losing an infant child, I feel so empty. I feel lost in this world, I feel as if I have done something wrong to deserve my baby to be taken from me. I feel as if her and I never had a chance in this lifetime. I feel scared to try to have another baby. I feel as if another baby would be taken from me as well. I feel so empty. I do not have my baby inside my stomach anymore and i do not have her in my arms either.
I would ilke to send a reponse to Susan Moran
I too lost my daughter, she too was my best friend. I cry each day and it has been 3 1/2 years. I have not yet learned to cope. She was killed in a plane crash in June of 2006. I miss her so much I can hardly stand it. We lived together for 3 1/2 years while she attended filght shool to be a pilot. (she turned 30 and wanted to fulfill her dream of being a pilot”) Once she graduated and got the job of her dreams, “Chief Assistant Filght Instructor” she moved out and we bought condo’s right next to each other. She was 34 when she left us. I have been looking for someone to talk to who felt the same as I do, and could undertstad the pain. I think that you might be that person. If you wold like to contact me My name is Patti and my e-mail is pattipb3@cox.net.
I hope tha you will contact me, maybe we could help each other. Thank you Susan
Take care Patti
Indeed, it is different; every death is diferent and every grief, unique. While we can identify many thoughts-feelings-sensations that are common to many in the grief experience,no one understands, interprets, or experiences your grief in your way: the landscape of each life is lived through the unique filters of each person’s individual, unfolding biography. And so it is that the very humanness that binds us together in coming to know our shared experiences also separates us in the solitary aloneness of our own grief story. And so, be patient with the chaotic rollercoaster inside, do the work you must do to get through (not get “over”) this disorienting voyage, choose those who are open to your pain without trying to “fix” it for you. Consider the wisdom in this thought from Marcel Proust…”we are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it in full”. As you move through this most difficult time, remember to reach for moments of joy even though you stumble often. You will get through this–my thoughts and energy are with you.
Sincerely, Barbara Coyne, Ph.D.
I lost my beloved daughter almost two years ago which devastated me and i still feel that way. I have lost my drive, will to live and am ridden with guilt. The effects from this event laid the path fro my wife losing all respect for and is now in the process of divorcing me. So now i have lost my daughter, my wife of twenty-two years of marriage and now i am losing my home. I am now left alone with all of my feelings of anger, shame ,guilt and cannot find the will to go on.
I am so confused right now on what to do. I cant eat, sleep, focus or concentrate on anything. I feel so hopeless about any kind of future for myself.
Dear Barry,
I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I also am feeling the same way you are, alone, can’t sleep, eating too much, and just this overall feeling of having my heart ripped out. I lost my 29 year old son to a brain tumor last July, a week before my birthday. Right now I’m just looking for a reason to go on each day. People don’t want to hear me talk about him, not even in my own family, so I have no outlet except to my husband, and his heart is broken as well. I can’t bring myself to bring him up when I see my husband having a good day, but I know the loss is with him as well. You are not alone in these feelings.
I too have my guilt issues, for a lot of years my son was not a nice person, he had issues with anger and alcohol to the point that he and his sisters practically had no relationship, and at times it was tenuous for his Dad and I. When he died he was trying to turn his life around, but it was too late. His sisters get angry at me because I grieve for someone who was abusive and manipulative to the whole family, but they don’t have the memories of my boy that I do…and it’s those memories that are tearing me apart. I feel like I’m screaming inside, but no one sees, no one notices. No one wants to hear about my feelings of loss and I know deep in my soul that I will never be the same again and a lifetime of feelings like these are almost too much to bear. I have to daily put one foot in front of the other just to plod through.
I’ve found out that I will be all alone for Mother’s Day..my husband is working and my 2 adult daughters have plans to be with their in-laws. I’m afraid. And exhausted. And I don’t know how to go on without him.
“Is Grieving Different When You Lose An Adult Child…..”
To all of you that have commented, that have shared your unbearable pain, I am humbly sorry and wish that there was something I could do to help reduce your suffering. The pain is like no other in this world. The emptyness, the loss of direction, the void that can not end and will never be filled.
We lost our only child, our son, Ken, in April. We found him April 17th. The Coroner says he died from advanced coronary artery disease, which caused a massive heart attack. He was only 43. He was tender, compassionate, and always there to help anyone in need. He never spoke against anyone. His dad and I are trying muddle through together. He was my friend. He is gone. He died alone.
I do not know how I can bear this. If,,,,,,If,,,,,,,If……..
We plan a “Celebration of Ken’s Life” sometime later in the summer, for everyone. Maybe by then we can bear the thought of never seeing his smiling, questioning face again.
Thank you to all of you.
Ken’s Mom
I loss my 21 year old daughter to suicide January 22, 2003. She was an identical twin. Her twin sister found her with a rope around her neck. I can’t move on, the quilt I feel is overwhelming. I try to put on a happy face for everyone but I’ m dying inside. I miss her dearly. It all feels so surreal. Although it has been 7 years it is not getting any easier. When people ask you “how many children do you have?”, I pause for a moment and say I have 3 daughters. I remember when she passed I asked ” do I still have twins?” My husband has lost his father 28 years ago and an adult sister and brother, he says nothing compares to the loss of a child. I feel like I need to talk about her to keep her spirit alive, but I don’t know if this makes other feel uncomfortable. I hope someday I can come to peace with my loss.
Erika forever in my Heart…Love Mom (Betty)
I can understand your pain. We lost our adult son on June 6, 2007 and he was a twin too.
He had cancer and battled that dreadful disease for 8 months and 22 days. He never gave up
hope and fought to the very end. He died two days after his 31st birthday. His twin brother misses
him soo much as we do too. We talk about him all the time and for us that’s good. We laugh about
funny things he said or did and sometimes we cry for all he went through. Take care.
On April 8th, 2010, my son Ross, age 52, died suddenly of a massive heart attack. He had had no previous symptoms that we knew about. He was a good man, quiet and gentle, who never complained about anything. We are all stunned. He had only been married to, Mary, his wonderful wife, for three years. He did not marry until one day after his 50th birthday almost 3 years ago, in a beautiful Hawaiian-themed wedding in their backyard. He had worked hard all his life and had an excellent job, and he and his wonderful wife, Mary, a teacher, were planning their retirement together. Mary’s son, Paul, became his stepson, and Ross changed Paul’s life. Paul was a well-mannered boy of about 9 when they met, but overprotected. Mary could not control him. Ross made him do his homework and set a good example for him, and Paul’s grades jumped from C’s to A’s. Now Paul is graduating from high school and going into pre-law. We all miss Ross terribly. Mary and I exchange e-mails all the time. She is heart-broken. We are both in deep grief.
I lost my beautiful daughter of 20 years just 17 days ago, June 13, 2010 from Toxic Shock Syndrome caused by a tampon. I’m still in shock. She lived at home still, and was attending local college for graphic design. She had never done dishes in her life, still had never been to a grocery alone, and claimed she wanted to live with her mommy and daddy for the rest of her life. (which she did)
It was a horrifying 32 hour battle in critical care watching her organs fail one by one as the doctors and nurses weeped with us. i feel they would have given their lives for her.
The day before she went to the hospital she told me how much she loved to sleep and if she could sleep forever she would. It’s as though she knew… The outpouring of love after her death was stunning to me because i didn’t know she had touched so many lives. 500+ at the funeral home, 175 at the cemetery, and I had a youth minister for all of the kids. The day we buried my daughter was the most beautiful day of my life. I don’t get it.
This is a message for Wilma in California. I am in California(San Diego). I lost my first child and oldest son on November 19, 2009. He was 53 years old. He had lived home with us his folks for about ten or more years due to illnesses and complications that got worse and worse. If Wilma would like to contact me, I would be grateful to talk to her. I am still having problems dealing with my son’s death.
I lost my son June 14, 2010 when a drunk illegal alien ran him off the road. My son was about 50 yards from his exit. He was headed home from work to his wife and children(8, 3). He died instantly. He was 37 one week before. I feel terrible that I didnt get to say bye. My heart feels like it has been ribbed into. My sister told me the other day that I could just pretend he was at woek and I couldn’t call him until I go to cemetry. She doesn’t understand you cannot pretend. When you think of your child you think of them being gone and you know it isnt to work. My brother understands as he lost his 20 yr old son last Oct. I have a very supportive husband(not my son’s father) who holds me for hours while I cry. My daughter understands and is supportive but she has bipolar and is having a very hard time dealing with his loss also. They were very close to each other even though they were 10 years part.
Every one else keeps saying time will help, he is in a better place or God has a plan. I believe in God so did my son, but it doesnt take to pain away. I cry all the time. I cannot sleep or eat. I think about him all the time and how proud I was of him. He had some problems as a teenager and young adult but after he meet his wife he changed his life and was an excellent husband and father. It just seems so unfair that he was taken when he had so much to live for. I ache for him. I want to hear his voice, hug him and watch him smile when he looks at his children that he was so very proud of. The rest of my family act like because he didn’t live at home I cant possibly be hurting like hiswife is so they give her support and call her and ask her about the children. They don’t aks me how I am or call me. I know she hurts also and I call her every day. I am just saying it doesn’t matter how old your child was, or whether they lived at home they are still your child and there is no pain like the loss of a child. Anyone wanting to email me feel free to at vonna@iwon.com. My deepest feelings go out to each of you and I pray for each of you.
Dear Vonna,
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my son last July to a brain tumor, mericfully for him, he only had 15 days from diagnosis till he passed, but the pain has been something I could have never imagined. I am coming up on his anniversary of his death and I cannot believe it has been a year.
All those things you wish you could do as far as hugging, touching, hearing his voice, I wish for too, I think we all do. There is nothing that can compare with losing a child. Whether they are an adult or not, they are still your child and I believe no one can understand that loss unless they have been through it themselves. And it’s ok to be grief stricken, your time for healing will come on it’s own schedule.
I’m scared to face this anniversary, not sure how to spend the day even…I’m still working that one out.
As parents who have lost children, we will never be the same. We can go on, live our lives, but the loss will always be a part of us. Be kind to yourself, if you want to cry, cry. Scream, fight, rage at the world. We understand. You are not alone.
On the question of , “Is grieving different when you lose an adult child vs. a young child?” My husband and I talked about that. We lost our 16 yr old son to brain cancer Dec 17, 2009. Since he was here in our home every day, we had close association with him every day and night, he wasn’t out on his own yet, we feel his loss like a black hole in our home and hearts every day and night. Is the grieving different than if he had been out on his own? I think the comment that every grief is different anyway is accurate. Grieving is as individual as each human on the planet. The way I grieve depends on my background, experiences, how I was taught as a child, death experiences I’ve already had, physical and mental and emotional state, who I live with……. lots and lots of factors. The one constant seems to be: There is no RIGHT way to grieve. The work of mourning must be done, but in your own ways. C.S. Lewis has lots of accurate things to say about the pain of loss. Paraphrasing one: There is no magic pill or bullet to erase pain. No matter how hard you squeeze the arms of the dentist chair, the drill goes on. No matter what you do or what others say or do, when the pain is upon you, nothing takes it away. For me, crying, sobbing, wailing are about the only ways to express and purge the pain for a time. But it always comes back at some point. My faith sustains me to a point, as I know our son is busy in the Spirit World and looks in on us from time to time, but even knowing about the resurrection coming some day does not take away the indescribable pain since our first-born son died.
Elizabeth, I am sorry to hear about your son. Thanks for your kinds words and wisdom. My thoughts are with you that you will find a way to make it through the anniversary date of the passing of your son.
It will be hard I am sure. You are not alone all of us parents that have lost children are with you in spirit.
Hi,
I am a newly bereaved mom, it’s been just a little over a year and it still feels RAW. I know exactly how everyone here feels. We lost our oldest son suddenly in May 2009 and we are still in SHOCK and everything seems foggy. It just doesn’t make sense and I would like to welcome whoever who wants to call or Email me. I feel like all the bereaved families are now somehow connected. Lots of Love and Peace.
Kay
Kay, I am so sorry for your loss. I realize those words do become meaningless. You are fortunate that you do have an outlet to speak today. I lost my 5 yr. old 36 yrs ago. We were just coming into the era of accepting death and dying through Elizabeth Kubler Ross philosophy. Yes, we have come a long way, but still…the medical profession is so behind. Try to look a doctor in the eye and hope he will be comfortable with you after you have lost a loved one. I recently lost my mother. I believe with each grief older griefs surface. I wish I could say just one sentence to make you feel better. But I know that is impossible. Just remember your son was a gift you were able to cherish for a time. And as much as you don’t want to believe this; your mourning will turn into memories that you will cherish once again. judy
I just lost my 29 yr old son on July 18, 2010. He died a few days earlier, but that is the day the police found him…..from a diabetic coma. I can’t stop crying, sobbing. I can’t even write this right now thru the tears and sobs. Just tell me that this horrible horrible pain will go away someday before I die…….I cannot get the picture of him lying on the bathroom floor decomposing without me knowing that he was EVEN that sick for me to help is more than I can bear. I cannot get the words of the detective out of my head, “your son has expired”. I cannot take one more second of one more minute of this pain…i can’t even find a drug to make my head stop. I pray every night and day for God to take me.
Hello to all those grieving families,
God Bless You Judy for those kind words of advice.Hang in there Adrian, we have just experienced Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and the people who are ahead of us in this journey say that things always don’t feel this way after a while.
Here’s something I read,
” A smooth sea never made a skillful mariner, neither do uninterrupted prosperity and success qualify for useful happiness. The storms of adversity, like those of the ocean, rouse the faculties, skill and fortitude of the voyager.”
During the Early Stages of Grief this may not make sense at all but one day I hope it helps.
Love and Hugs and Peace,
Kay
Today August 7th is my Daughter Ondrea’s Birthday, she would be 39. She has been gone now for 4 years, like many of you, she was my very best friend. I miss her so very very much. Happy Birthday Honey, I love you and miss you so very much!! I still can’t believe that you are gone!! Has the pain gone away? NO, and will it ever, NO, it is forever a part of me.
I hate it when people tell me that life has to go on, I really hate it!!! Perhaps for me as of today, I realize that life does have to go on. It will never never be the same, it will be different and I am different, but it does go on.
Last night a friend invited me to dinner, stay at her home, have a beer and sit in her pool. I so did not want to go but did not want to hurt her feelings as she had lost her husband a while ago and I knew that she probably needed a friend too. As it turns out, we had a wonderful dinner, sat at the pool, talked for hours, got up had a wonderful breakfast. To my surprise, I really had a nice time.
I am so lucky to have my 2 Sons, they are such a support to me, I can not even begin to tell you how great they are, each of them and their wives spent time with me today and later my 5 year old grandson and I went to the Mall, Built a Bear, had a grilled cheese sandwich and ice cream at dairy queen and came home and watched cartoons. Before he went to sleep, (he is staying over) He said to me, Grandma Patti, It was a great day!! I love you. Patti
Hello, My son, Johnny died this year on February 21. He just dropped down in his house and died right there. His wife and one of his daughters saw this.
I am lost. He was my second youngest of 5 children but he was the one that always called just to say “Hi” and we talked so easily with one another. There is such a void in my life. I am divorced and live alone and have just finished chemotherapy which I will probably start again soon.
Johnny and his wife welcomed me unconditionally in their home but now I sense my daughter-in-law is so filled with grief that I hesitate to call her and she seems to be removing herself from Johnny’s family.
I would like help in finding a support group near me in Manhattan, New York City. The only one I could find is too far from me on the Upper East Side.
Does anyone know of any closer by me? Thank you. Patricia
I lost my 21 year old daughter to suicide just 2 months ago…June 14, 2010. It is such a shock that it is as if life just stopped in its tracks. Nothing that made sense or that seemed important before her death even seems to matter at this time. Yet I know that this is not the end of my life, just the end as I knew it. I still have 3 children to continue on for, and to be strong for them. What I have learned in these last 2 months is that somehow, you have to rely on others to get you through this. Someone told me that the first day was the worst, and that it gets better each day after that. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that she was wrong. It does not get better each day. Each day is full of memories, of tears, of wishing that I could turn back the hands of time. But I know she was trying to help. She just did not understand. My hope is that one day in the future, I will have grown somehow, and be able to reach out to others that are sharing in this pain. I think that only those who have experienced the lose of a child, really realize the gravity of the loss and the pain of trying to put your life back together again.
To lose a child is a terrible grief. Our som was 19 – a high achiever at university, a warm, compassionate, funny, genuinely wonderful young man. He had the world at his feet and died suddenly in a car accident. His father and I are devastated, his brothers and sister are bereft. The shock to our close and loving family was immense and we are still dealing with the effects 18 months later.
We each grieve at our own pace and in our own way and we are finally realising that this has changed us forever. We take nothing for granted, we live our lives now with an underlying sadness that may never go away. My only reassurance is that he knew how much he was loved and he was happy and content that dreadful morning as he left home for the last time. Love never dies. My heart goes out to other parents who are also on this awful journey.
September 6,2010
We lost our son David from a Brain Tumor on June 30, 2009. He was 42 years old. He was our HERO. He volunteered to stay in surgery longer for the doctors to get extra tissue for research to help others who would be having Brain Tumors to fight. This was the way he was, always helping others with a great sence of humor and kindness. His first surgery was in 1998 , then another in 2005 and then his last in March 2009. All this time you would never know that he had this, as he seemed perfectly fine. We were very close, he worked in our business with us since he was 14. It has been a little over a year since his passing and I feel my grief is worst now than when we first lost him. I wake up crying every morning. I have a couple of girlfriends that have lost their adult children but you really have no idea what they are going thru until you are on this journey yourself. It is true, you are the only one on this isolated journey without your child -no matter what age, its painful. My heart goes out to all of you, this is a very lonely road to be on. If you lost your child to a Brain Tumor, I would like to hear from you. jnunn101@aol.com Thank you, JUDY
The Compassionate Friends also produces a great brochure for parents who have experienced the death of an adult child. You might find it helpful if you haven’t already read it.
Dear All! I’m personally going through from this exprience and I know it is so difficult to handle these tragedies. I lost my younger brother at the age of 22 on August 05,2011 just 25 days before. I feel the world is ended for me and I have lost my courage and my all asset. I can’t understand how to bear this big loss of my life.
I have never posted on a blog before. Your stories broke my heart. I came across this site after typing in “how long do you grieve so badly after losing as adult son”. Our Danny passed away on February 11, 2013. He was 28. He took his own life, in our home. I found him. My husband, my youngest son (25 at that time) and I are having an impossible time moving forward. We don’t expect that we should have moved far, but the pain is just so much, all of the time. We have made progress…we are functioning. I know that people do get through this, and find a new normal, because I have met so many others, since that night.
It’s like someone, something stole our life in the length of a heartbeat. Two months later, our youngest son moved to his dad’s, over 1500 miles away, not because of Danny, but because of a past thought in his mind that I cannot go into for his privacy. My therapist says that I am experiencing compound grief, losing Danny, and then my other son moving, both of my children gone from my daily life, and one for always. And, although not officially diagnosed, she says I have PTSD from what I saw and heard.
Both of our son’s lived with us for most of their life. I was never alone, never went anywhere alone. Now, I go to work and therapy. I don’t shop unless someone pulls me out of the house. I don’t want to do anything, and feel like I don’t care about much. Only family.
My husband I are both on Zoloft. Thank goodness for Zoloft. I see a therapist once a week, and started on medication to help with focus and concentration. They both help me so that I am able to work. I participated in a small group for mother’s who have lost a child. My husband works hard, and tries so very hard to take care of me.
My son is having a very hard time with his grief and suffers with depression and survivors guilt. He refuses meds or counseling and puts his time into work and working out. I have done a lot of research on sibling grief. The siblings are so often forgotten when they, also, hurt so deeply.
So, last week was our 1 year date. It was great in that the 3 of us were together for the first time in 10 months. It was so terribly hard in reliving all the memories of that day, and night, on the same date. I relive so much of it every time I close my eyes. My heart breaks in a second.
As everyone says, no one understands unless they have been through it, and you don’t want anyone to understand, because that would mean they are there. It is the awful constant heartache. The wishing it would ease, and the not wanting it to. And, the wondering if it ever will, and not being able to fathom how it possibly can. I know grief is individual. I know I will progress in healing at my own pace. I’m just hurting so much after going through last week. But honestly, his birthday was September, favorite holiday Halloween, then the holiday season in which we were always busy everyday, then New Year’s, and now February 11th. I has been a long 6 months of extra meaningful days. I know that I will hurt always. I have heard people say that it took them 5 years just to find a new normal. I don’t know how anyone lives with pain and heartbreak of this depth, for that long.
I am amazed by all the parents on this site who have lost adult children. My husband and I lost two daughters in September, 2011. I have thought since then, that we were alone in our grief. Of course I knew that other people lost adult children, but we lost two! Neither death was expected, nor accidental. My oldest daughter was 42. She had a severe asthma attack and died on the way to the hospital. She was placed on a ventilator, and was taken off 5 days later, declared brain dead by two neurologists who tried every trick they knew to get a response from her. Her CT scan showed severe swelling of her brain, and a stroke. She was just without oxygen to her brain too long. She died on September 8, 2011. My youngest daughter was diagnosed with pseudotumor cerebri, a painful disease where the spinal fluid builds up around the brain, causing pressure on the brain and a terrible headache, and lost of vision with pressure on the blood vessels to the eye. She lived for 4 years with this disease, underwent 9 shunt placements to remove the fluid from around her brain, and did the best she could with a daily severe headache. This is not a fatal disease. On the night of September 23rd, she woke up, as she often did, and was walking around the house. Her husband called her name and she collapsed on the floor. He called rescue and she woke up and said she was fine, and didn’t need an ambulance. By this time she was having difficulty breathing. The ambulance arrived and during the process of preparing her for transport to the hospital, she passed out again. This time her heart stopped and they were unable to bring her back despite 2 hours of CPR attempts. Her autopsy stated cause of death as Natural Causes.
Since then, I have been living in a nightmare that never ends. I miss my girls so much, and am reminded constantly that they are gone by other families with moms and daughters. Both girls left children to be raised without them. I have no idea how to get over this, I don’t think I ever will. Some days are okay, I accept that they are gone because I can’t change it, but other days it seems so cruel to leave me here on earth without my girls. I have two sons so we had a nice big family when we were raising the kids, now both boys are grown as well. I have not had any good advise on how to deal with this, or what helps. When it happened I was numb, and still am to a certain extent. People would say “im praying for you”. that made me mad. What for? they are gone, that’s the only thing that will make me better. Are you praying that somehow I won’t care that they are gone? I know that’s what people say. It’s meant to comfort. Some people say it’s been 2 years, you need to get over it. that will never happen, Since that Saturday when we learned about our eldest daughter’s death, there has been a very heavy dark weight on me, that never goes away. I feel sad always, even though I go through the motions of life. I have seen counselors and been on med for depression, but nothing really helps. I think the only thing that will help is when I see them again. No parent should ever have to bury their child. I am not mad at God, but don’t understand why he allowed this to happen. A chat line would be a good way for me to vent I think. thanks for reading.
July 20, 2014 My son Michael 34 was murdered by a 17 year old. Michael was a veteran of 14 years in the Navy. There was no good-bye. I was told that I should not come see him one last time because of stab wounds to his face. He just turned 34 on July 15. 2 more day it will be 7 months. I haven’t found anything easy about any of this. I miss my son so much. He is my oldest of 2. I have no grandchildren from him. All his dreams all my dreams gone. I am not being a very good Christan because there is no forgiveness. But there has not been a arrest yet.
I have not been able to find much help. I cant relate to mom’s that have had a miscarriage. I tried a support group but it was the adult kids dealing with losing a parent or it was spouses, Parents of murdered children only meet once a month and its in the evening. I get up with my husband at 3:30 am. The one person I could talk to my mother-in-law passed away 3 months later.
I have finally gone on some meds to help me with the rough days. I have pretty much given up on any other help. I will just rough this out. I miss my son more and more as the days go bye. Even on deployments he has never gone this long without call home,
I lost my son in a very tragic vehicular accident– dawn of March 15th this year (a month tomorrow)….We are still in denial…he will turn 40 in August…and he was our oldest son. He was not married but he has this beautiful 2 year old little girl who will turn 3 this June. Sad to say, the mother and the girlfriend of my son was also one of the casualties…There were five of them in a sedan (his friends) and no one survived…we are making sure that Thea’s (his daughter’s name) future will be taken care of…and we have been supporting and is still supporting her with her needs…Emotional pain is off and on….we are trying to cope up..but the pain still lingers….and I know we will learn to live with this kind of pain…. I have 5 kids..now I am left with 4…I know everything happens for a reason…but I cannot help asking why why why…..
My son, Joel, died May 19, 2014. He wasn’t found until May 20th so that had to be his official death day. He was 44. He had a good job and was just starting to move forward in life. He lives in my heart and soul. I will miss him as long as I am alive.
I lost my son, Joel on May 20, 2014. He lives in my heart and soul. I will miss him forever.
What do you mean by moderation? I wrote what I wanted to write about my son Joel. He lives in my heart. I will miss him forever.
I just found your website today and although nothing or no one can ever heal my broken heart, it is a bit of a realization that there are other parents out there who have some of the same feelings as I have. I have read all of the posts and found myself shaking my head “yes” as if they “knew” exactly how I am feeling.
I lost my 49 year old son…(actually, my hero) about 8 mouths ago from a series of stokes. He was what I always considered a healthy diabetic and I worried so much that one day he would lose his eyesight or legs etc. Now I realize that we could have lived with that – but not his death.
My son is my hero, my protector, helper, advisor and guess what?? He loved and took such good care of me. He had a beautiful in-law apt. done for me when he and his family moved in to their new home.
I WILL always be Tony’s mom and prefer to speak of him in the present tense most of the time. I too cry everyday at any given moment. I decided a while back to stop saying to people, “sorry for crying” and when I cry in front of someone now I say…”I know I’m crying, but my son is worth my tears”. I know my life will go on BUT, it will never be the same and that’s ok too…I lost one of the best things that ever happened to me.
His last day at the hospital we had about 4 hours with him (he was already with a tube) and I just held his hand and stroked his hair (it was like silk…so soft.
Before they took the tube out I told Tony how much I loved him and that it was my priviledge to be his mom – I will forever feel that way.. I also told him I would love and think of him everyday of my life until I see him again. I am so, so proud that God gave him to me.
I chose to help dress my son before his showing and I will remember how important that made me feel…I dressed him when he came home from the hospital a newborn and I helped dress him to be with God. It was my honor and Tony would have been very proud of “his mom”!
Some days the only thing that keeps me going is remembering what my son said to me the first time I saw him in the hospital…I was holding his hand and he took hold of my hand very tightly and said to me…”you stay strong”…And for him…I will always try.
There were times before all of this tragity happened that we would talk and I remember I told him that if something happened to one of us it would be a joy to be able to say to one or the other…”is there anything you need to say at this time?” and we would be able to answer “NO”.. it’s all been said often in our lives….”we loved one another, cared and felt blessed to be mom and son” We were able to do that with a little smile on our faces as only we knew what that meant.
Also, one other thing I would like to say that maybe, just maybe might help someone in our situations. I mourn and cry everyday for my precious son and maybe I always will BUT….On his B’day, Mother’s day and Father’s day (he left a little guy 6 years old) I am able to “celebrate my son” with mostly no tears. I love it!
Tony’s b’day was April 1st and he turned 50. We had a wonderful day! I first went to the hospital where he was born and prayed and talked to him for quite a while in their chapel. Then I went and bought some fresh flowers and some balloons and met my sister at the cemetary and we “celebrated my son’s life” The flowers went right by him and the balloons were released up in the sky for him to catch and then we joined in a prayer. Since Tony’s passing, that has been my most wonderful, memorable day!
Thank you all for reading my long post and knowing what “this” is all about! May God watch over all the precious children we have lost and always keep them safe and warm in our hearts.
Tony’s mom
I lost my Son, my only child, October 2014, he was also my closest friend. He lived in another state with his wife and 3 children and I only got to see him once a year when I would go visit them. He was 49, and had such a full life. When he told me he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, I couldn’t believe it. I was devastated, I traveled to be with him and become his caregiver, for 5 months. I believed he would have surgery and remove the tumor, but the cancer spread so much, they just closed him up again. I was in such shock, I could not cry. I tried to be strong for my daughter in law and grandchildren, so I kept in my sorrow. The hurt of watching my son every day turn from a young healthy man to an old disabled man right before my eyes was heart breaking. I often told him I wanted him to take me with him, that I could not live without him. He also asked me to be strong for his children that they needed me.My son often cried not for himself, but for me, that he would not be here to take care of me in my old age. My son had changed his religion to Buddhism, which made his outlook on life spiritual and accepting life as it was and he often tell me he thought he would die young and that I should expect it and cope with it because we can’t change life and we will all met again some day. He was very brave and very knowledgeable about life. At first I could not look at his pictures and I felt guilty and now sometimes I feel like I don’t cry or grieve enough. I was angry with God as to why a person that had so much life to explore would be taken away from his family and me. My heart is hurting more than I can explain, but I also feel I can cope now and remember all the wonderful accomplishments my son achieved in his life and how loved he was by his community and be proud. The hole in my heart will always be there and I will go on in his memory.
I am not sure if this is still an open site. But I am so overwhelmed in finding it. The of an adult child is heart wrenching. I lost my daughter on November (legally the 8th) but, to me it was November 10th,2014. A truck crossed the center line and hit her mini van right by the her door. My daughter was almost in the ditch trying to avoid the truck. This was on Novemember 2. As. Family her brothers, her partner ( she fell in love with him at 16) and myself signed papers so that through her others had a second chance at life. My daughter left behind 4 children who at the time 10, almost 9′ 4 and their youngest who had just turned 3 behind.
I still struggle each and everyday. Some days it is almost to hard to continue. Through the heartache and pain, I keep going. Her children will know what a little vine person she was through stories from all of us. But, the most important thing they will always know is they were their mommy’s biggest gift. And she looks vied them more then anything else.
No one but the ones of us in this elite group of parents will ever be able to understand or even begin to comprehend what we go through. My goal is to someday be able to help others with their grief.
But for me it is one day and sometimes even an hour to get through. Grieve as you must. Cry, scream and an inatimate object. Do what you must to not hold in your pain. And one day I hope you will find a reason to smile.
How do I join? And get mailed info and find meeting in in my area mableton ga. Please help if u can my son died may 14 he was 28 he died 3 weeks after his 3 child was born. His oldest was 5. I feel like I’m going crazy.I seen to not function normal. I have 2 more older kids that live away. I spend all my time alone thinking of jeremy. Thank u
Hello, I lost my only daughter, Paige Madison Crowley- Murphy in a car crash 6 weeks ago… on Dec. 29, 2016. She was 25 years old. I have never felt so lost and in despair nor thought I could feel this much pain without dying, myself. I wrote this a few weeks after on my Facebook page as I intent on writing throughout each process my own feelings as well as how others can help and/ or even understand no matter what level of grief they experience, from directly related to caring acquaintance. Here is the facebook link to my first chapter and what it says. https://www.facebook.com/notes/sandra-markowitz/step-one-grieving-publicly-helping-you-help-me/1621150694567672
Step One: Grieving Publicly- Helping You, Help Me
SANDRA MARKOWITZ·THURSDAY, JANUARY 26, 201752 Reads
For those who keep asking “How are you doing?” or “Are you okay” or even suggesting “You should get out, or come over to my house or go out and be with friends or get back to doing what you love such as singing onstage” let me just say I LOVE AND ADORE YOU!!!! Your words and suggestions are not falling on deaf ears, I just can’t get to doing any of those things yet. I’m not in a place mentally to do any of that. Sometimes it feels like, “What the Hell is wrong with me that everyone keeps saying how strong I am or suggesting these things with love like I should be doing this stuff, yet I cringe at the thought of their suggestions or even hearing them?”
It has and continues to make me feel as though I am losing my mind or that my sanity died with my child. I am unable to respond to anything normally as I did before. My whole world as I know it is changed forever and it is never coming back. (I don’t use “knew it” because I am still trying to live there, not in this new world) I am literally learning how to live, again, but with existing situations and friendships that were already in place before this “new life” forced itself on me. That is the best way I can describe it.
I don’t say this to make anyone stop reaching out or feel bad for doing so. I know your INTENTIONS are the very best. This is to help explain how I feel and offer some words that you CAN say which WILL help me and that I desperately WANT said. Unfortunately, there is no class in school to learn how to deal with this stuff, DEATH, although each person on some level will have to during their lifetime. Maybe there should be…but here is the best I can do to explain it; as of right now, anyways.
I feel like I have placed a protective cushion around myself and some pretend cotton into my ears to muffle anything I hear at this time. My mind, right now is doing it’s best to protect itself. Taking any steps necessary and doing almost anything as it’s only defense from undo harm to me. Public circumstances and get togethers that include outside elements normally welcomed and looked forward to by me become chores I dread, tasks to overcome in time, events that I hope will never include me, at least not yet.
Because we learn from our own experiences; and this one has shaken my sense of any control over what may happen at any given time, I have naturally learned to self preserve. My mind, unconsciously and consciously as well as my free will is learning how to take even the smallest tasks and move slowly through each one. I’m going to say things people don’t talk about or even like to verbalize or read about. These are private and scary moments that have to be shared for my sanity…and I’m sorry, my love Doron, but I need to get this out and hope it doesn’t hurt or embarrass you by my sharing.
I learned on Dec. 29, 2016 that ANYTHING can happen at ANY given time and not one thing is to be expected or taken for granted. NOT ONE THING! Therefore my emotional footing has become more of a slippery topsy turvy surface that I am unable to grip for very long.
I have learned that it’s not safe for me to drive myself anywhere or be in a crowd without my husband or family member next to me and always with an exit plan.
I have learned that although there are many moments in the day that feel tolerable to me in my safe space of home, mood changes and thoughts of Paige that one moment can give me comfort can also lead me to spin out of control within seconds and without warning. I have and still do lash out, get verbally aggressive, get irritable easily, cry, throw things, feel guilty, yell, hate everything including being alive, blame myself for her death, blamed my husband, mourn and so many others that at times it seems they are all happening at once.
I have cut myself in attempts to end my pain, cut myself to release pain and fantasized about killing myself in so many different ways and without my brain’s consent that the thought of following through so that the fantasies and hallucinations in my head would stop became more desirable than staying alive.
I don’t write these happily or with intent to frighten anyone. I am not crazy nor suicidal. If I were still thinking of doing these things I would not be writing them down for the world to read. These are the parts of grieving people don’t bring up, don’t talk about, don’t warn you about and don’t prepare you for…. so you become a victim of your own grief and all that it entails. I am blessed with a great family, Paige’s extended family and a fantastic husband or you might be reading about me instead of from me.
My husband, Doron has been more than AMAZING, all the while going through his own set of grieving processes that he is only beginning to allow himself to feel because of a multitude of reasons that are his alone. He feels that he has to be “MY ROCK” as my husband. It is “his job” he says jokingly, yet he does so lovingly and without any sign of obligation, resentment or hurt.
FRIENDS AND RELATIVES… I LOVE AND ADORE YOU ALL AND WANT TO OFFER YOU THE TOOLS TO HELP ME IN THE WAYS I NEED IT. I CALL THIS “STEP ONE”. IT’S NOT MY FIRST STEP IN GRIEVING BY ANY MEANS, (I have been going through those you just read about for a month now) IT’S THE FIRST STEPS I WILL TAKE TO HELP OTHERS TO HELP ME. IF YOU WANT TO LEARN WHAT HELPS ME, OR ANYONE IN MY PLACE, KEEP READING. EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT SO THIS MAY NOT BE WHAT HELPS OTHERS, THEN AGAIN, IT ALSO MIGHT BE.
1. If you want to know how I am, ask me. I don’t mind responding. Just know that I will be brutally honest because I’m hyper-sensitive at this time., so only ask if you are ready for the REAL answer. Don’t worry, I don’t expect you to have magic words for me. You may refer to your “Go To/ Fail-Safe” answer at the bottom of this page.
2. “Hey, just want you know I’m thinking about you” correspondences, take note of number 1. If you want me to know you are thinking about me? It’s okay to tell me. I more than appreciate it. But please don’t expect me to respond. I might or I might not. And don’t take it personally if I don’t. It doesn’t mean I love anyone more or less. It’s based on my mind at that moment and what I can handle. And it’s all I can do to answer questions.
3. If you call and I don’t answer, it doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear from you or get a message or see you or even talk to you. More times than not, I do. It means all of me cannot handle committing to any of those things right now. As small as they seem to you, they are mountains in my mind.
4. Should you post a picture, new tattoo, meme of encouragement, or memory of Paige Madison? A HUGE YES! In the beginning these can feel like pulling a scab off of a fresh wound. (sorry, gross I know. But accurate) Once in this phase (where I’m at now) they are as welcomed as a visit or phone call from her, even if they hurt a little. If you are not sure if it’s okay yet? Ask. A griever, will feel out of control during this horrific senseless and uncontrollable time. By getting asked what is okay for them to see or feel comfortable with seeing, after having gone through something beyond anyone’s control it gives the griever back a tiny sense of reality, sanity and control. Simply by asking, you have helped.
5. Suggestions for my time: This is a big NO! NO! Especially in the beginning. It is with good intentions that the road to Hell is paved. Well, maybe not entirely but certainly when they are given as substitutions to grieving. No one wants me to be sad. No one wants me to feel depressed. No one wants me to cry all of the time or wonder how I will get through today, let alone the rest of my life. But it is vital to go through the “GRIEVING” process and there can be no substitutions for it. I can’t stress this enough.
Suggesting things that “take your mind off of it” or doing “things you have enjoyed in the past” or that “make you happy” can feel like the person with good intentions is saying, “Forget about Paige, set your grief aside, don’t waste your time missing her or the future she and you all may have had together”. No one you feel you would need to say this to is in their correct mind at this time (or you probably wouldn’t be saying it as an attempt to help). To think they will understand your intentions and possibly take your suggestions is pretty silly to them since they are not you or where you are at emotionally. It’s like telling a baby to run. Or a foreigner to speak your language. Because you love them, you want to see them happy again, but we (grievers) really do have to learn how to first. As time goes by watch for signs that the griever may want to “get back to life… back to reality” We will let you know when we are ready. If you want to suggest something, think of the smallest tasks you can think of. Like draw a picture today, or polish your nails, or listen to a song she liked, or write a simple message on a piece of paper to her or go outside and look at the sky today. Suggest things like that. Smaller goals that are safe and reachable with some effort on their part will help the griever feel successes, ultimately being able to overcome at the pace that is right and comfortable for them.
YOUR “GO TO/ FAIL-SAFE” ADVICE: I don’t expect or need you to fix me. Just let me vent and if you need to say something, “I love you” is always the right answer if you have none others you are sure of.
*These are my own words and my own thoughts and experiences. They may not work for everyone, but they are good places to begin helping someone going through the grieving process, even if that’s youself.
-Sandra Markowitz
I lost an infant son to SIDS 30 years ago. I just lost my 29 year old son suddenly and unexpectedly and am finding it more difficult to deal with. He was my son and very best friend and we talked every day about golf, sports, politics and every other topic. We traveled and saw fabulous things together. I saw every Little League game, saw him through college and his Masters Degree and was very proud of him. I have never felt such deep sorrow. I remember being tearful for weeks about my infant son (a twin to a daughter) and nearly immobilized. I am having just as much trouble and unimaginable sadness with the loss of my second son. At 69 years old it seems impossible to recover from my loss. I wish I could be more supportive to my wife and children who are terribly affected and feel guilty that I am no comfort. It is the saddest time of my life and leaves me empty.
I lost my 21 years old son on Jan 1st 2017 through a tragic accident. I will never have or say happy new year again. Being a single mom and had raised my two boys all by my own. Left us with my 16 years old now. It gets worse everyday. I try to live for my younger son but sometimes I don’t even know how…bless you and please advise me how I can keep living. My younger son sometimes can’t cope…we had to move very far away and we still can’t cope…
I’m searching the internet – How to deal with loosing an adult 48 years old to colon cancer stage 4- whom I was very close with.. old me, and trying to understand but just can’t. March 28 2017 took her to a doctor and for ultrasound and blood work – couple hrs after getting the worse news of my life but still having hope and fighting it to the last minute,by her side all the time no help from anyone but she wanted only me- finding out couple days before my BD there she has no chance and passing on Aug 1 2017. crying every day – no one understanding me…… what kind a pain that is every day, hr, min….
Looking for somebody to help me – my husband is no help – he has no worries only anger inside him all his life and expects me to go on with my life as if nothing happened.
what a old me need to do in this kind a situation -feel lost and angry even at God….
Well I,m from South-Africa, located in Gauteng…….on 16 NOVEMBER 2014 my youngest son passed away….the day before his brothers birthday….he was assaulted and the internal bleeding courched a septic shock and multiple organ failure that resulted in death…….on 22 Desember 2016 my oldest and only son I had left went in for ulcer operation….. the opp was a success….but he got a bacterial infection and was placed in ICU where we were kept in the dark of what happened and only got informed on the 16th January 2017 that he had Antibactor Buamai Bacterial infection and he passed away on the 19th January 2017 leaving 2 sons behind of 5&4 years old…………i can’t explain what i have to live with daily!!! LOVE AND MISS THEM COMPLETELY
Well I,m from South-Africa, located in Gauteng…….on 16 NOVEMBER 2014 my youngest son passed away. aged 25 years…the day before his brothers birthday….he was assaulted and the internal bleeding courched a septic shock and multiple organ failure that resulted in death…….on 22 Desember 2016 my oldest and only son I had left went in for ulcer operation….. the opp was a success….but he got a bacterial infection and was placed in ICU where we were kept in the dark of what happened and only got informed on the 16th January 2017 that he had Antibactor Buamai Bacterial infection and he passed away on the 19th January 2017 at the age of 29 years leaving 2 sons behind of 5&4 years old…………i can’t explain what i have to live with daily!!! LOVE AND MISS THEM COMPLETELY
I lost my son on September 2, 2012. He was 25 years old. I can’t even describe the pain I had to deal with and continue to deal with. I still vividly recall all the events the day he passed. Six years later and I still find myself grieving and missing him. I continue to ask why did this have to happen? He had a bad heart and neither he nor I knew how seriously sick he was. My guilt is compounded by the fact that just a few days before he passed we had gotten into an argument and did not have a chance to talk. He was my only son. My only hope is that some day, in some form or fashion I will see him again and the only thing I will say is: “I love you Casey. I always have, and always will.”
My son passed away Feb 8. He was 45 yrs old. The second born of 4. He has a son and daughter and 2 grandchildren. I have buried my parents, 2 brothers and a grandbaby and it is nothing like this. This is the worst pain I have ever felt. We were so close and best friends. I went to a grief share at our church but none had lost a child so I don’t think they really know how I feel.
As I lay here reading each of these with tears I suddenly don’t feel so alone. My son, Austin, hung himself May 23,2017. I went to visit my Airman who returned stateside and got stationed in GA. Due to weather there were delays and I returned late the night of the 22nd. Jet lag led to procrastination of a promised call to my bi-polar, middle child. I spoke to him from the hotel and he needed to talk when I got back. A conversation that would never happen, not in this earthly realm anyway. I received a call from my daughter, eldest of the bunch, asking if daddy was home. Finding it odd she’d thinking her step-dad would be home on a Tuesday at 3 she then asked if grandma was here. Now I was sensing a struggle in her voice. My mother had already brought my young 4 yr old grandson home. I asked my daughter what was going on… no response. I said Amber it’s your rother isn’t it? *Silence* I said, Amber, WHAT did he do? Amber? He’s gone isn’t he? She broke down and said I can’t tell you that. I screamed and cried in that phone. I asked what. My poor daughter who lived in FL had to tell me he hung himself and he was gone.
I honestly don’t remember much of the next month. My two other children and my little adopted grandbaby who IS a spitting image of my best Easter present ever down to the crooked little toes on his feet were enough to keep me going or so I thought. I thought I needed to be strong and I only fell apart when I was alone or with my mom. I didn’t really have much support at home as I had recently caught my husband of 23 yrs cheating. My 21 yr old was in GA and my daughter returned home to her family. I just went through my 1st Easter and his actual birthday. Easter was his 1st appearance so I was a mess from the 1st to the 11th. My older children seem to believe I need to “be over” my crying spells and grief. I admit month 9 hit and I have been so much worse than I was 4 through 8. They actually called the police while I was staying with mom after surgery and dad was in the hospital having a tumor removed from his colon and had me committed. Needless to say I have now been called a horrible human being, blamed for my child’s death, told my child deserved better and his child deserves better too, banned from seeing my grandchildren and they want no part of my life because I won’t get help. I am in a grief support group through Ryan’s place. I am on medication because I too am bi-polar and I just lost not only my son but my best friend. My person. We spoke everyday. Whether a text, phone call or we saw each other in person. This boy and I could fight and before the day would end usually no more than an hour one of us was saying I love you more, I’m sorry. There are days I feel like I can’t breathe. I miss hours in a day from laying down and crying and just “remembering”. I loved him the minute I knew I was pregnant. I was a mom. My job was to love, care for, protect, and cherish this life for the rest of mine. It is NOT natural for him to go first. It just isn’t. My heart goes out to all of you mom’s. I would normally offer prayers but I’m still angry with God right now. I’m working on our relationship but my father is terminal and I am his baby. I’m struggling to understand right now why I feel this personal vendetta all of a sudden. Affair, my beloved child/best friend, my daddy, children come on God what else? And personally I feel God got it all wrong. It should have been me. He took the wrong one.
I lost both of my parents and my younger brother and several really good friends all before I turned 35. But none of those losses compare to the lost of my 27 year old son. They were all hard but I was able to grieve and get past it — I still miss them all but am at peace with it. But when my son died (he died of an aortic aneurysm that burst — we were having a conversation about his day and right in the middle of a sentence he just collapsed — I couldn’t watch as the paramedics tried to help, but I knew almost instantly that he was gone, he died in his father’s arms). I am devastated and my heart and soul is shattered. It has been just a year (April 20, 2017) but it is as if it happened just yesterday. My son was a wonderful young man — he served as a Marine and all his fellow Marines posted on Facebook about what a good Marine he was and how generous and caring and how he was one of the few guys they felt they could always depend on. He wasn’t just my son he was my friend — we would have long conversations about life and philosophy and history and whatever topic came up. We shared so many things together and were really close. He was generous and kind and funny and adventurous and had so much ahead of him. And I miss him every day. I still have my husband and daughter and the three of us talk about him often and share our grief but I don’t know that I will ever get over this loss. There are no words to describe the pain. I cry alone every day — when I’m with friends and family I put on a brave face — but no one really knows how much pain I am really in. After reading many of these posts I would like to say that I am comforted that there are so many out there who are going through this, but I can’t because it doesn’t comfort me that there are others — because to me that means that there are so many out there suffering and I wouldn’t wish this pain on any one, not even my worse enemy. So to every Mother and Father who has a lost an adult child I won’t say I know how you feel because it is different for each of us but I will say I wish you didn’t have to feel this pain and I hope that someday we can each find a way to heal.
Hi – I lost my oldest son (47) to cancer in January of this year. He was so healthy, a non smoker, only casual drinks, marathon runner & was diagnosed in the summer of 2017 with Stage 4 stomach-liver cancer. He passed away in a hospice (angels there) on Jan 21, only 6 months later. He has a 10 yr old son (he & ex were divorced but kinda remained friends because of their son). He & his son were so very close. I also lost a son 11 yrs ago (he was 33) in an accident—wonderful twin boys are 41 & we all grieve the loss of my 2 boys & their 2 brothers. Life can be so cruel
I just lost my 49 year old son to suicide on the 25/5:2018.My heart is breaking .. I feel as though I will never get over this. I know I have to as I have 3 other children and grandchildren but it’s just so hard ..the grief seems unending ..
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
My son Ian died suddenly on May 20th, 2018.. he was 34. Less than 4 months ago ..
One can’t fathom the thought … Unimaginable. Unspeakable. Can’t be.
MY child? MY son?
Is … gone? Dead? No.
God please?! I can’t God.
God? NO!!!
This is beyond devastating! That, barely describes a fraction of what I’m feeling …
For 35 years.. My life was all about IAN …
The pregnancy. The birth. The emergency C-section. The surgeries. The ADHD … and every single day since he was conceived … I thought about him. I prayed about him. I cried about him. I worried about him. I fought for him. I lied for him. I defended him. I missed him. I’d gladly give up my life for him.
But mostly… I loved him. Intensely, unequivocally and without measure.
We had our ups.. we had our downs. and a few in-between times..
Out of all the people and personalities that there are in this world ..Wow! He was such a character!
He would have made it big in Hollywood!!!
Something really special. I thought I was the only one that knew.. But, yeah… If you’ve met him, you know what I’m talking about. .. Not because he was mine but …
Because he was Ian.
I’m not really sure if I’m going to make it without him ..
I don’t have a choice.
?
He was my world and I was his momma..
Now I’m just … lost.
.
?
I lost my adult daughter 7 weeks ago, she was 33. I am struggling with her death as she was killed on the highway after stopping to help someone that rolled their car in the ditch. The roads were bad and a transport truck tried passing the scene and jackknifed and the trailer struck all 3 that had stopped to help, she was pronounced dead at the scene. I seen her that morning and will never see her again. My heart aches so badly, I miss her so much. She had just moved back home with her husband after working away for 5 yrs. it was a dream come true to have them back home again and then this happened. She was driving in the storm so that she could attend her husbands grandfather’s funeral. I had a very strong faith and since this happened I haven’t been able to pray. I still go to church but I’m there in body only. She was such a beautiful person and made friends with everyone. One of the local colleges have started a scholarship in her name, which I am very humbled by. As a family we didn’t exchange Christmas gifts this yr we insteaded donated the money we would have spent on gifts to the local food bank in her name. I just feel like I need people to remember her and never forget her, she was loved by so many.
Dear Dr. Gloria,
My bestfirend’s adult son passed away in 2004 to a drug deal gone wrong. He son was on life support for 2 days, and removed the life support. My friend was not in the same state when this happened, but went to his side as soon as she heard he was in the hospital. Her daughter feels that her mom is still mourning vs. missing her son, because my friend takes off work 2 days out of the year to still come to terms with her son’s death. The 2 days she takes off work for is her son’s birthday and his death. My bestie did admit that it took her 10 out of the 15 years to come to terms with the death of her son, but she hasn’t mourned him for the last 5 years. She has admitted that she misses him terribly. When my friend take the for-mentioned days off, her daughter gets angry with her, and tells her this is productive and life does on after him. My friend doesn’t miss anymore days than she has too, but reserves these 2 days to have a small cry, eat his favorite piece of his cake,releases balloons, goes to the spa, and just celebrates in her own way. She doesn’t stay in bed or mope all day. She takes these 2 days for her to regain peace of mind and take a break from life and daily routine, and continues on to be productive in her life. All she asks is for these 2 days out of the whole calendar year. Her daughter feels she is in the mourning process. To be honest, I don’t feel she is…it’s just a mental health days for her. My friend has sought grief counselling and stuck with when this had happened, and continues to miss him terribly, due to him not being here to see his daughter grow up and missing family events and relationships. I feel that her daughter she leave her alone and let her mom have these days out of the year.
In your expert opinion, is this a healthy way to move forward from losing a n adult child/child?
Thank you,
Thank you,
Mary
Hi Marianna, I want you to know that I feel with you, you can consider me your daughter. I am 45. I lost my mom of colon cancer almost three years ago. I miss having a mom. The emptiness is hard.
Got so much love to give.
Feel free to contact me
I am hania227@gmail.com
You understand, and I am crying with sorrow, pain and release. I lost my only child, my son on 11/11/15, and my real “life” stopped as I held his hand as his heart stopped. Those who tell me I need to move on learn to live again…how do you do that with an empty hole in you? I raised Cory as a single parent, he was always the center anchor of my life, and that’s gone. I haven’t seen my grandsons in almost three years – poverty and health makes travel out of possibility at this time. I’ve been in the hospital several times in mental health units, but little gains only. I’m facing my own death now and making plans for myself, my burial etc, but the hardest part out is to know I shall die alone, perhaps not found for days. But at least here you don’t chivvy me to get over it. You are broken as I am. Thank you all for being there, surely a place none of us wished to share.
I am so sorry for the parents who have lost their adult child. Unfortunately, I am also experiencing terrible grief with sudden and untimely death of my 27 years handsome son (suicide due to major depressive disorder) in Feb. 2019. We are shattered. Me and my wife are just surviving for our daughter. We have lost faith in God and natural order. We feel betrayed by the Nature. No interest in life and always in depressed mood. It seems it is impossible for us to come out this agony.
I am saddened by Alice’s loss as well as each story/comment below. So sorry.
An anonymous phone call led the police to my son’s body which was in a motel room.
He was 34. This was 10 months ago. I’m positive he was murdered but it has been dismissed as an accident. I’m continuing on my Crusade to get him Justice!
I feel that the pain of losing an older child is no different if not greater than that of losing a younger child. When you lose an adult child you not only mourn for that child at that age, but every age and stage of development that you went through with that child. I mourn for the baby I carried, the toddler, the five year old, the pre-teen the teenager and the young man who could make the most boring story into an exciting Thriller/Comedy!!! I haven’t even come close to accepting his death yet. I am in the “Twilight Zone” with no way out!
I have lost my eldest 46 years old and youngest 47 years old in the last five years. I don’t know how to cope. I find it hard to even acknowledge my sons death, which was in June. I know I’m in denial.
My so was the middle son who at the age of 29 died of hypothermia in the Grindstone Mountains in Nevada. I called to tell him his dad is in the final stages of vascular dementia when I discovered he was missing. His father had a small stroke that escalated to a myriad of health issue. He had 3 major surgeries in a 30 day period. I was just beginning io accept my best friend would die soon when I learned about my son. I traveled to Nevada and the rescue mission became a recovery mission. How could this happen as helived in Nevada and worked in Alaska. He knew survival skills. I was consumed by grief. I did a 4 week mental health intensive program. I learned by being mindful that I could ground myself. I spent 7 months isolating in the garage. I stopped visiting my husband because I cannot tell him about our son and my saddness is oh so deep. I don’t walk the dogs and now I have signed a last chance contract with my employer after 20+ years with them. My son died in February 2019 and on what would have been his 30th birthday I spread his ashes with his fiancee. I held his frozen solid body in my arms as I tried to comprehend what happened. I sang and talked to him . He still had a huge chunk of snow ice stuck on his right eyeball and there were were 3 drops of water beneath his neck as he was thawing out in my arms. Now it is December and as the coldness sers in I can’t help myself but to ponder my son wandering on the mountain in below zero with whiteout conditions. I am running away from my husband because of his impending death and I find no comfort in my life.
I lost my 33 year old son last Wednesday and I finding hard to just function. I miss him so much. I feel for my two grandchildren and how will the deal with the loss of their dad. I wanted to hold my son one more time. To see his face and hear his laugh. He was such a bless to me. He was my miracle child because i was told I would never have a child. But God gave me my son and proved that miracles do happen. He was born only 4 pounds. My precious child is gone and my heart is broken. I know someday i will see him again. Why does it have to hurt so bad. it is like part of my heart is gone. I loved him with all of my being.
Why would age matter? Your child is a part of your soul!
Last summer we lost our 29 year old son 2 months after his birthday. He died suddenly of a previously unknown medical condition that would have been treatable, had the emergency room and radiologist not missed the diagnosis. He had just moved home, full of excitement to launch the next phase of his life. Not only did this catastrophe cut short his life, it has ruined ours. His 2 siblings, my husband and I have grieved him differently, leading to considerable friction and lack of mutual support in the family. I view the remainder of my days as a “life sentence.” As painful and miserable it is to go on, I have two other children and no right to ruin their lives by walking away from my own. What a terrible fate. Parents are not meant to bury their children. And the world does not, truly cannot, understand what we experience.
My heart goes out to each of you. None of us ever wanted to join this club.
My Son ,Tim, died from sepsis and I had to make the decision to turn off his life support when his vital organs failed. (2011) Then in 2016, his brother, Steven died by suicide after a battle with cancer. Tim appeared by my bedside in a dream and I felt relieved. He appeared to be 6 or 7 years old. Steven has not come to me in a dream. I was told that the experience of visualizing a dead child is common. Why not Steven.? Everyday sadness rules the day. I know I would have died to save my boys but now I am about to celebrate my 79th birthday.. Why “?……
I truly believe our child will always remain our child whatever the age.
I think maybe one grieves differently depending on the age of the child.
We always wonder what might have been.
My son passed away at age 24, and it’s something I’ll never get over.
I think the best any grieving parent can hope for is to eventually find the joy in life that was lost, although our joy will never be total. I have found bereavement support groups to help.
Dear gloria my husband and I had three children ,he lost his wife to cancer and had a daughter and a son. Seven years ago we lost his daughter to cancer ager 38. Last June the day before my son’s 38th birthday he committed suicide, I spent his birthday instead of celebrating his birthday, identifying his body. On January 23 rd this year my husband’s son passed away of cancer 3 days after his 50 th birthday. I have had to arrange three funerals. The last one which was last Saturday we couldn’t even attend because of my husband’s health and covid restrictions, we watched it remotely. How do we carry on from this?
I lost my son, Rudy on August 17, 2020. He was 31. I was searching online to see who else had lost their adult child, and how were they doing. How are you all doing now? Will I always have to pretend that I am okay or happy? When will I stop thinking about him every minute of the day that I am awake? Is the rest of my life a pretense til my death?
I can’t even talk about it. But I miss my baby so much.
She. MADISON, WAS 20
.
I want to say to all that have lost a child God Bless your broken hearts. I lost my oldest son in a automobile accident at the age of 18. He was a passenger and his girlfriend and best friend all died. I blame no one but myself and probably always will. Kids doing nothing wrong but just missed a stop sign and a tracker trainer carrying cars hit them. I don’t think you ever get over your baby being gone. You will never be the same kinda like a lost soul out of place. My relationship with God is my only relief. I ended up with broken heart syndrome years after the accident. I was told it was because of my sons death. I questioned that because of it being so many years but a heart can only carry such a heartache for so long till it breaks. I never wanted anyone to know this pain and that was one of my prayers. But it happens and my hope is in keeping the faith. When it’s my time to make that journey the first thing I’m going to do is bow in humble adoration to my God Jesus Christ. Thank him for carrying me when I’ve not been able to walk or talk. I’m still here for a reason maybe to help others like me. I know that all of you if you think about it something felt different that day before they left this world and it’s never been the same. Sending prayers and love to all of you!
It doesn’t matter how old a child is when you lose one, in the eyes and heart of a mother..it will always be her baby. I lost my 37 yr old son in 2017. I found him on my bathroom floor. The one thing I feared most and prayed for daily, was to never have to see a child die. My husband..his dad, had died suddenly just a couple of months earlier. My son and his fiance had a 3 yr old son and she just walked away after becoming addicted to opiates prescribed by her Dr. When she could no longer get them, she turned to heroin and had no interest in my son or her
child. He was becoming more like himself again and I was feeling better about his sadness. I shouldn’t have let my guard down.I miss him so much, I can honestly smell him at times. I can’t make myself remove his name from my contact list. I still have anger at times and I guess I always will.
I have full custody of his son and it does help fill the hole in my heart, but I would just love to have one more of his bear hugs. Losing a child that’s an adult has its own special feelings of loss. Especially when I see his child’s heartache. It has made me a completely different person. It takes away the joy of holidays and special events. There has been times he comes to me in dreams, and he says the same words he would say if I was worried about him when he was alive: Dang mom, chill out, I m fine!. That brings me comfort because it is so real. Parents that never have to go through this loss, should count their blessings daily.
11 years ago, I lost both my adult sons, only children. They were almost 40 and 37 years of age. I was in my 60’s and now in my 70’s. I find it very different when reading about general child loss but can’t compare to losing them younger. I found some groups on FB that dealt with loss of adult children. I don’t know if I’m still grieving and mourning them so long because of their ages ( I just expected them to outlast me, plus we had become such good friends) or because I lost both and my only sons. Yes, I agree, even a very good government article did not broach adult child loss. However it did cover loss of a sibling ( at 10 I lost my then 18 year old brother to suicide) and I thought that was pretty accurate. I am very sorry for your loss, or anyone who loses a child from birth to……., but before you as a parent dies. I think it’s plain excruciating. But each age grouping is very different. Maybe not worse or better, just one needs a different support. Getting generic support for loss of all ages, just doesn’t cut it. It doesn’t work.