Only in the spirit of love,

not under the sign of death,

do the rituals of memory reveal themselves

as the beloved’s living presence.

(November Rose: A Speech on Death)

Two years ago, on All Soul’s-All Saints’ day, the chaplain of The Cathedral School in New York City invited me to speak about my experiences with grief, death, and survival at the Cathedral of St. John of the Divine.  The chaplain instructed me that my audience would be comprised of children ranging from Kindergarten through 8^th grade, as well as faculty and parents, and that my remarks should not exceed fifteen minutes.

Honored as I was by this invitation, I was also a bit apprehensive in view of the inevitable emotional and intellectual challenges attendant upon speaking or writing about loss and grief. How could I dare, even though I had travelled the valley of grief myself and known it first-hand, to presume to address loss and grief in more general terms, in its myriad dimensions and manifestations?  What ought I to say to those remembering or mourning a fist loss, perhaps, or the many losses of a lifetime?

After a week of philosophical meditation, I realized that I could only talk about the one universal truth in grief we all share: love.

We are usually prone to think that death is the source of the pain for those in mourning. However, it is not death that causes the pain – but love. If we hadn’t loved the person, animal, or object we have lost, we would not be in pain.

We might feel a vicarious kind of pain for and with those who have experienced loss, but we will not feel the life-altering pain of the loss of a loved one unless we actually loved the deceased. It’s as if the intensity of our love were mirrored in the intensity of our pain.

Pain is not an obstacle on our path towards healing but a beacon of love throwing light on the dark rocks of sorrow. Pain keeps us moved and moving. The key is neither to avoid pain nor to stay with it.

In seeking to avoid pain, we are running the risk of getting stuck with it forever, as any attempt at avoiding something implies keeping it constantly present. We develop certain modes of behavior in order to circumnavigate the object of avoidance, thereby turning it into the pivotal point of our activities.

In my experience, trying to avoid the pain of grief is very different from letting yourself sink through the pain and into the deep waters of love. Avoidance is based on the fear that the pain might assault us from an unexpected direction, and, therefore, avoidance has us on constant alert, which puts pain in charge of our life, even if from a distance.

Staying with and dwelling in the pain is mistaking the street sign for the destination itself, confusing loss with love. Pain is not the place to go; pain is the sign that points us in the direction of an unfamiliar dimension of life and love.

Copyright © 2007 by Kathrin Stengel

Dr. Kathrin Stengel, founder and president of Upper West Side Philosophers, Inc., is a practicing philosopher and mother of three. In her latest, award-winning book, November Rose: A Speech on Death (2007), Dr. Stengel, who lost her first husband­ of sixteen years at the age of 33, offers a penetrating and deeply personal philosophical meditation on the death of the beloved other and the complex social implications of surviving, mourning, and living on (such as the publicization of the deceased, the stigmatization of the survivor, and the unspoken paradoxes of monogamy).

A frequent guest on radio programs throughout the US and Europe (such as The Louie Free Radio Show, The Joey Reynolds Show and Bayern2 Radio), Dr. Stengel has taught philosophy at Seattle University and the Rhode Island School of Design and organized international philosophical events in Germany, Switzerland, and the US. For many years, Dr. Stengel has also practiced and taught Vipassana meditation.

Website: www.westside-philosophers.com

Kathrin discussed Dealing with Loss and Suvival with  guests on the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart www.voiceamericapd.com/health/010157/horsley060409.mp3 with hosts Dr. Gloria & Dr. Heidi Horsley.