Learning from Grief
In the early stages of grief, sadness was all I could think about. I viewed my life—indeed the world—from the lens of sadness. Each day, I felt like I was drowning in sadness and there was nothing to be happy about. Unfortunately, when I did this, I made my life darker and turned it into a future without hope.
What might happen if I changed my thinking?
I had read about the human mind and how miraculous it is, how we may be the only living species capable of consciously changing our thinking. Dr. Heidi Horsley and Dr. Gloria Horsley write about two techniques in their book, Teen Grief Relief. I purchased the book when I was caring for my orphaned twin grandchildren.
One idea: “Select a pleasant thought and hold it in your mind as you touch your thumb and index finger together to make a circle, or link,” they write. The Horsleys call his “The Happiness Link” and I tried it. “The Happiness Link” worked, and I continue to use it.
What am I Learning from Grief?
“Thought-Stopping” is another of their ideas. When concentration is needed and grief set aside, you wear a rubber band on your wrist and snap it when you need to focus. I tried this technique, and it worked. In a sense, I was snapped to attention. Like “The Happiness Link,” this requires a physical response, and I think that’s why it works for me.
I live at Charter House, a retirement community owned and operated by Mayo Clinic. Charter House offers a continuum of care. Though my apartment is in Independent Living, I know Assisted and Supportive Living are available. Residents talk about health issues and death freely. We also discuss the importance of a positive attitude.
What I Learned from Grief
Since I’m a list-maker, I made a list about the things I learned from grief, and it may help you.
- You become acutely aware of the blessings in your life: food, clothing, shelter, occupation, interests, grandchildren, and more.
- You practice mindfulness—the non-judgmental awareness of the present, your body, surroundings, and what is going on.
- You are more compassionate than you were before learning from grief.
- You make good things from grief. Examples: Help fund a scholarship, donate books to the public library about your loved one’s occupation and/or hobbies, donate to a national health organization.
- You volunteer in the community in memory of your loved one. Every time you volunteer you think of him or her.
- You ask family members to contribute written memories of your loved one and make these into a book.
- You gather family members to a dinner comprised of your loved one’s favorite foods—some healthy and some not so healthy.
- You treasure objects that link you to your loved one: wind-up watch, antique rolling pin, woodworking tools, etc.
- You give yourself permission to laugh and treasure every moment of life.
Life is the Winner
After my husband died in 2020, I made a conscious decision: Death will be the loser. Life will be winner. I will make it so. I created a new life based on the foundation of my husband’s love. And I remain open to hope and open to happiness. As Heather Lende writes in her book, Find the Good: Unexpected Life Lessons from a Small-Town Obituary Writer, “Find the good. That’s enough. That’s plenty.”
Learn more about that and her other books: www.harriethodgson.net.
Read more by Harriet Hodgson on Open to Hope: https://www.opentohope.com/get-a-grief-buddy/