The death of someone we love grounds us. It leaves us without a pilot or a flight plan. Chaos and confusion replace logic and order. We may feel as if we have been dropped into a foreign land, a land where we do not speak the language. Suddenly all the familiar places are gone, the places we felt safe, the places where our life made sense. Our mind does not seem to work. Our feet don’t seem to work. Everything seems to be happening in slow motion and our rhythm is different from the world’s. Even our breathing has changed. We are out of sync, out of step and some people don’t hesitate to tell us that.
The death of our loved ones is not something we can plan or totally prepare for. The funeral arrangements may have been made, the financial affairs put in order, goodbyes and permission to go given, but we cannot prepare our heart for that moment when their heart stops beating and all the moments that come after, as we try to learn to live in a world without that special person.
Some of us did not have time to prepare even the practical things. Some of us did not get to say goodbye or tell our loved ones they were free to go. When death occurs suddenly without warning, the feelings of disbelief run even deeper as we struggle with wondering; How can this be? and the only answer is the sound of our tears or screams in the shower.
The death of our loved one forces a new identity upon us. Suddenly we are a widow or widower, a mother-less daughter, a bereaved son, sibling, grandparent, or a devastated mom or dad. Sometimes if our grief is not recognized such as for the death of a lifelong friend, we are not given a place or identified as someone who needs to grieve. We may be mourning the death of our niece or nephew who was more like our very own child. Friends and co-workers may have no idea about the magnitude of our grief. As the days pass many people seem to just pass on by without even noticing us and where we are, without noticing that for us time is standing still and the only place we want to go, is back to where we were.
You have probably heard people say that grief is a process, a journey, that it’s hard work. All of these are true. A process is not something that occurs in an instant. It takes time. Grief is an unavoidable journey for those who love. It is because we love that we grieve and the work of grief is perhaps the hardest work we do.
Many people want to know when this grief journey ends. When will they be done grieving? It is only natural to want to know when the pain we are feeling will stop, when we and our lives will get back to normal, when we will be able to put the past behind us. Many around us will want us to bury our pain like we buried our loved ones. They will want us to get over them or if we haven’t then pretend that we have. They don’t understand that grief does not work that way. When this occurs, we may feel like we are flying solo and if it was our husband, wife, or significant other who died, we are.
Part of our grief work is realizing that our old normal doesn’t exist anymore and is not a state of being we can go back to. We will have to find a way to make peace with a new normal and to understand that it does not mean we have forgotten our loved ones. It just means that we are taking the necessary steps to reinvest in life again, to learn to fly anyway.
Deb Kosmer
debrakosmer@gmail.com
© 2009