Martha from Utah writes: Your blog comments would have been of immense help the first couple of years after my husband’s death.  We had been married for 45 years.   I can relate to all they say.   At this point in my adjustment (not recovery), reading what new widows have to say brings back a lot of the pain.   When it comes down to the nitty gritty, Time is the greatest healer.   It will be 4 years in February.   I have figured out I will either survive or die.

Do any other widows complain about inheritance issues involving their children or step children?  This was my greatest burden.   Bob left all our money to me.   I had two children by a previous marriage and the two boys by Bob were furious.   After he died, they demanded a huge cut of Bob’s estate.  One even brought me a Power of Attorney form, and raised a ruckus when I wouldn’t sign.   I shook so badly that I couldn’t write-could hardly hold a fork or spoon.   The two kept at me until I thought I had Parkinson’s.  The doctor said it was nerves.   I lived on heavy sedation for almost a year, making only necessary trips to the grocery store and bank, then back to another pill and my recliner.   I don’t know how I managed to get off this hill and back home.   Two friends, one a retried IRS supervisor and the other an attorney, told me the boys would never leave me alone until I gave them each an enormous amount.   To save my sanity, that is what I finally had to do.    I’m glad Bob never knew how greedy his sons were — and are.   I lost 18 months of my life before I was allowed to grieve and recover.

Beverly Chantalle McManus, Grief & Loss Companion, responds: Martha, thanks for sharing your experience.   I’m so sorry for your loss — after 45 years together, you must miss your husband very much.   And how sad that in addition to bearing the grief from losing your Bob, you had to endure the greed and hostility of the sons.

I’m continually amazed at how often this scenario occurs — in different variations, but always with a common theme of hard-hearted family members or friends who want to exploit your vulnerability, at a time when you’re already feeling shattered and abandoned.   Sometimes these actions create chasms that can never be bridged.

And it’s not just friends and family members.   Some businesses are low enough to track obituaries and actually target widows and widowers with a wide range of investment schemes, shady purchases, and “deals of a lifetime.”   One of my friends told me that shortly after her husband died, a delivery person arrived with a beautiful upholstered chair from a local furniture store, and presented her with the COD invoice, saying her husband had ordered it for her before his death, and wanted it to be delivered as a comfort to her when he was gone.   She was stunned, but knowing how thoughtful her husband had been, wrote a check to pay for the chair and delivery fee.   She later learned in the local paper that this same company was being investigated by the DA’s fraud unit for perpetrating this same stunt on hundreds of unsuspecting widows and widowers.

What I’ve learned:   Perhaps because they know that some widows and widowers will receive a big lump-sum insurance payout, or just because predators can sense when someone is vulnerable and likely to make a wrong decision, we who are bereaved do in fact need to be aware and cautious whenever anyone, whether friend, family, or stranger, tries to part us from our resources.   And I’m not implying that all of these are fraudulent schemes, nor that our family and friends don’t have the best of intentions for us.   It’s just that losing a spouse makes us uncommonly vulnerable, and hence, we’re wise to be extra cautious.   As mentioned in an earlier blog, I found that some advice from our funeral director has been indispensable.   He said, “It is not a bad thing to walk slowly at this time,” and I frequently remind myself of this counsel when others make demands or strongly suggest I take a course of action that might be risky.   It never hurts to delay a decision until I’ve had time to carefully analyze it, and perhaps even get outside perspective from experts.

When I take time to think about the emotions and feelings that the greedy attempts at manipulation bring up, the primary feeling I have is anger.   The last thing we need when our hearts are broken is for others — particularly those who we think we should be able to trust — transform from “loving relative” into “attack mode” and come after us or our resources.   As Martha experienced, sometimes the price for freedom from their snares is simply to pay them off and then realize that they are not the people we assumed they are… giving us yet another thing to grieve.   I hope that Martha can now focus on her feelings and do her grief work unencumbered by the reprehensible behavior of Bob’s sons.

Have you experienced greedy or manipulative others who’ve tried to take advantage of you?   What feelings did this experience bring up in you?   How has it affected your grieving?  I’d love to hear how you’ve handled this sticky but unfortunately not-uncommon scenario.

Beverly Chantalle McManus lives in Northern California with her two daughters, who have each now graduated from college.  She is Vice President and Treasurer of the Board of Directors for the Open to Hope Foundation, a bereavement facilitator and core team member of the Stepping Stones on your Grief Journey Workshops, and a frequent speaker and writer on the topic of loss and grief.  In addition to grief support, she is also a marketing executive for professional services firms.

© 2008 Beverly Chantalle McManus