Longing for a Child Who has Died

The intense longing for your deceased child causes difficult emotional pain and unremitting agony. Our bodies and minds cry out deep from our core to see, hear, touch, smell and feel our child. Although there is no satisfying these needs, bereaved parents find many ways to stay connected to their child and recommend doing so to other bereaved mothers.

Parents report a lessening of the intensity of their grief when they remain connected to their child, and continue bonding practices for many years, usually their lifetime. For the bereaved parent, the goal of grief is not to cut your bond with your child, but to integrate your child as a spiritual presence in your life in a new way, which is supported by research. (Arnold & Gemma, 2008; Barrera et al., 2009; Klass, 1997; Lichtenthal et al., 2020; Tan, 2013; Thompson et al, 2011; Waugh, 2018).

Lessen the Longing for Your Child

Here are some ideas from other parents who have survived this journey. When you are ready, some of these may bring you comfort.

Consider putting clothes worn by your child that still hold their body scent in a plastic bag to preserve their scent. I used to bury my head in a sweater my daughter had recently worn, and just breathe in the smell of her when I longed for her.
Consider keeping some of your child’s belongings near you. I use my daughter’s key chain, and wear several of her jackets. For adult children, ask their spouse for some of these belongings.
Look at photos. I found it was one way I could stop crying, although some parents cannot look at photos at all initially. If and when pictures comfort you, collect all photos you can from others as well. Display and organize in ways that allow you to soak them up frequently and easily as often as you desire.
Consider listening to audio and video recordings of your child. Put them in formats and electronic devices that you can easily access and absorb. Some Moms have the last voice mail messages from their child on their phone, which they play back frequently.
If it comforts you, soak up your child’s handwriting or artwork or other creations. I found my daughter’s prayer journal in her drawer, and I copied her handwriting in order to make copies of quotes for her friends. I found tracing her letters and seeing how she formed words so soothing.

More Ways to Lessen the Longing

Consider spending time in your child’s space: their room, their office or home, their car. Being where they spent time is another way of feeling closer. Visiting meaningful locations is a common way of continuing the bond for bereaved parents.
Write down the happy memories as they come to you, or narrate your voice over a power point with photos once you have some energy. Capturing the happy moments by reviewing them in your memory in any way keeps them close to your heart. Journaling in any form is therapeutic.
Parents establish rituals or habits that remind them of their child and help them feel connected, such as continuing an activity they did together or an activity that they loved (Norton & Francesca, 2014).
Create an internet memorial or Facebook page.
Give yourself permission to comfort your longing in any way that works for you for as long as you need to do so. Ignore the voices in our heads, families or friends who push us to “move on”. By allowing yourself to process your grief, you are moving on and healing, even if no one else understands. Bereaved parents continue the bond with their children by remembering, loving, and caring, and recommend other bereaved parents to do the same (Arnold & Gemma, 2008).

Follow Your Journey

Everyone grieves differently, and only you know what is best for you. People have different time frames. Some of these suggestions may repel you one year, and be helpful to you another year. This is a journey. The most important thing is to be patient and kind to yourself.

The above is an edited excerpt from the book: Surviving the Unthinkable: The Loss of a Child, by Janice Bell Meisenhelder.

Read more from Janice on Open to Hope: For Grieving Moms: When Others Respond in Hurtful Ways – Open to Hope

Janice Bell Meisenhelder

After the loss of her 19-year-old daughter to cancer, Dr. Janice Bell Meisenhelder turned her grief work towards helping others. She used her insight as a nurse, her experience with peer counseling of other bereaved mothers, and her knowledge of the research to compose a gentle guide with practical tips for healing: Surviving the Unthinkable: The Loss of a Child. Based on scientific evidence as well as personal experience, this book provides comforting help to all bereaved mothers in short, digestible bites in chronological order according to need by topic. It has received rave reviews from leaders of The Compassionate Friends chapters. Dr. Meisenhelder holds a Doctor of Nursing Science from Boston University. Her clinical nursing practice was at Massachusetts General Hospital in medical-surgical, intensive care and oncology. With extensive experience in nursing education, she is currently a professor of nursing at Emmanuel College in Boston, Massachusetts, teaching at both the RN-BSN and Graduate Level nursing courses. Dr. Meisenhelder has published thirty-six articles in professional and scholarly journals, including topics on coping as well as clinical guidelines for working with bereaved parents in the Journal of the American Association of Nurse Practitioners. Dr. Meisenhelder currently resides near Boston, MA with her husband. She has one surviving daughter.