When you’re a couple in a family, there are things that are no brainers. Who will run to the grocery store, who will pick up the kids, who will help with the kids’ outings and clubs? There are two of you. Together, you can divide and conquer.
When one of the two is dying, you can prepare for many things. But you can’t prepare for the small stuff, the little daily things that together you handled, handled even joyfully: those little no brainers.
There have been many days that would have been a no brainer since my husband’s death.
Just an example: Sam’s Cub Scout den is having a bike ride on the local biking paths through the city parks. It will serve as a fulfillment for one of his little badges. It’s a lovely day. It is a great day for a bike ride. For me, though, it is a stressful day. The bike path the den mothers chose to ride on is a good distance from my house. I cannot ride the distance on my bike and then complete the ride.
So all week, I thought about how will I get the bikes in my car. All week, I planned to try to fit the puzzle of bikes and boys into my wagon. All week, I avoided it. All week, I shoveled it to the back of my head.
Finally, today, I try to put the bikes in the car. They don’t fit. No bike ride with the cubbies. Disappointment is felt all around the house. Sam can’t go. I’ve let him down again. We all just fester in our own pain.
If Dave were still alive, it would be a no brainer. We’d throw the bikes in his truck (no Dave, no company truck anymore) and drive to the park, or we’d have two cars to drive; one for bikes. one for people. Or, even better, Dave would throw the bikes in his truck and take off with the boys while I’d get an afternoon of solitude!
Those days are gone. Sometimes, I just wish people could understand how huge this is. I never saw it before Dave died. No brainers become failures and days that I am just so disappointed in myself. I get so mad that my spouse is gone, I can hardly see straight.
I’m sure there are thousands of other ways I could have handled this day. The fact still remains that on most days, my husband’s death is still like an open wound.
I miss the magic of the way we worked together. I miss the ebb and flow, the give and take, the differences between us that made us such a good team. I miss the no brainers.
Christine Thiele 2010
Tags: Depression, grief, hope
hi christine,
I am very sorry for your loss…I am also going thru the pains and shortcomings of lifes badside..thee is good that will come from this I have to beleive..but I just dont know how or why or what…I am sorry if I dont make alot of sense..I to just lost the love of my life..my dpirit my doul my self…christopher was 45 and a wonderful spirit and soul I lost him on july 24th 2010 just 4 weeks ago and its still killing me..whats even worse is we’d been together for 17 wonderful years we both had been married twice and I have one biological daughter a step dughter and two stepsons…the only one that has even been around chris and myself is my biological daughter the others only came by or called when they needed something. I raised them from the ages of 10 and 11. the one stepson we just finally got to meet ..his exwife had been on the run for 15 yrs so chris snever got to know or raise him even though he had joint custody..it was awful and still is…..its very hard to understand some people when it comes to kids..how they can put themselves before their children..anyways chris i met thru work he was a casin o mngr in wa state and 3 months after going out he asked me to marry him I said yes…then he was offfered a job in illinois..promised a better one so we decided to move to illinois..the job wasnt great but the people and the freinds were wonderful and great memories so we left illinois and moved to louisiana and worked for players casino and loved louisiana and the food and the culture..then in 1997 (4 years later) I got a call my mother wqas diagnosed with cancer at 56 and was in the hopital and wouldnt be going home..I had to leave and I spent 8 days watching over her as she was in a coma after they took her off of life support..it took 8 days and i never left her sode..her and I are bests freinds we did everything together talked to each other every day..that was a hard one it toook 10 years before i could talk about her without crying…then in 1999 we moved to las vegas..chris’s father lived there and was 86 and had alzheimers and dementia..so we bought a house and moved his father in with us and raised the teens (at that time they were 16, 16, 17) and that was really very hard but did it and all srvived that part..but we never ever had the chance to get married..there was always something..his father we couldnt leave him and in illinois we didnt have the money and the kids were having prob;lems so in 2000 i got really ill and chris was workig at ceasars and i was at treasure island i was a dealer for roulette and chris was a pitt boss..I loved it there I miss my second family that I’d made on the graveyard shift…but with his father it got really hard for me. The drs finally after 2 years told me I have severe fibromyalgia nd would have to stay away from stress , get sleep and eat right….well my world was far from that..we had his father for 5 years and finally we hd to move he transferred to ceasars indiana and we moved to kentucky..its beautiful here…well his mother 83 was getting really ill and then his father dies which really was hard on chris and we took his mother in to our home to take care of her now…I still have severe fibromyalgia and had a heart attack on july 28th 2008 it leftr a little scarring but they found I have two arteries that I need to have catheters done because the oxygen and blood thats getting thru them isnt anwhere near what its suppose to be…we still havent got married its like there ws always something that prevented it..(he’d never had a church wedding prior to meeting me) and we wanted to have a small white chruch wedding with just immediate family and few freinds..I forgot to tell u that chris was in desert storm he was eod which is bassically those guys that go ahead of everyone and find the bombs and detonate them or they are called in to ake care of some type of bomb or explosives…he was in an accideent before i met him and he had to have a rod placed in his arm and a plate in his wtist so they had to give him honorable discharge he loved it but they wouldnt let him stay in becaue he vouldnt perform the duties he needed to so he was disabled vet 60%..anyways so here we are in ky and we have his mother living with us I have really bad fibro now the stress is intense and no sleep she had sundowners and alot ofotjer things bless her ehart I love her so much but I just coudnt do it anymore they found a tumor on my backside if my kidney on the adrenal gland or around it not sur and need two mri’s they also neeed to check pelvic area concerened about blood clots..anywys chris has scoliosis and it gets so bad and his migraines got so bad that he couldnt function anymore either so he file for social security because he coudlnt get out of bed hardly..but he did and he really was in alot of pain…so we both are really sick and trying to take care of mom he had told her he wouldnt put her in a home and they have a home in ohio tht his brother has been lving in for 8 years now…and he cant take care of her he cant take care of himself and hes 43 and has a severe gambling problem..chris even paid all the bills for the house in ohio for him..thats what mom wanted..se didnt want danny to be homeless…needless to say..we have went thru everything together and we never even raised an eyebrow to one another the first 9 years….I’ve never been so happy ever and cant imagine being happier than what i was with him. he was everything and when oi needed him he was there and i was there for him no matter how hard it was..well he never had any help he never had any freinds here either we had our daughter and she gotmarried last year and that was a wonderful day..but chris had his disability check from va and I have my medicare chec ck which isnt much ..i still need to take them to court or have it invesstigated i was supose to get double that from the report that i got from them that stated if i became disabled in june of 2000 it would be this amt and i became disabled in july 2000 but they said they had made a mistake..they took and put on my card i became disabled in 2002 which i was too ill to realize this and it still has to be dealt with..but thats not the issue money isnt the first issue its the second isssue…chris who stole all my heart and my soul and gave me the world with his trust and love and care and nevver complainedd until the last 6 months or so..the stress he had, the burden he had, he was her poa just like his fahters time..and he and I never ever gota chance to just be the two of us alone without kids or someone else living ith us so we put off the marriage and I figured that there was time …we’d been together 17 yeears aned by common law we were married and everyoen that knew us knew we alwasy called each other husband and wife..but chris got colon cancer and enlarged prostate and they took 2 inches of his colon…..I’ve been so ill that its been hard these lst 10 years to go and do anything especially when we had to take care of his mom and his dd and they couldnt be left alone and without salep and all te stress Iwas always in fibro flares but had to keep that to myself as much as i could because he was so sick..i put off the mri’s and was going to have them done on the 28th july..and there had been a concert coming for months at churchill downs with bon jovi and train and he got tickets for it and I made it there I was 5 hours late but got to see bon jovi and train and he had a great time he even said this was like old times anyways..he had just went to legal aid and had set up mom fonzis “qit” I’m not sure exactly what it is but its a legal form that gives only on person the power to use fundsf from her acct and that she’d be ab;e to stay in this one nursing home. chris said she thought she was in her own apartment because it was so nice a nd roomy with couches etc. they have all the care for alzheierms and dimentia so he was happy and it keeps others from being able to get her funds..so he knew that the one who was in chssrge couldnt abuse it not even the nursing home there had to be approval for anything and everyting..but the week prior to this concert on the 24th of july chris had went to the va and saw his dr and was so happy he said he didnt have to go back for 8 months!..well 3 days later we recd a letter from the va stating he needed to be seen on the 22 for trauma and then again on the 11th for neuro and then another in ipod b? I asked him about it and he said he didnt undertstand it..he always told me that if he was ever going to be a burden he would kill himself first so nobody would have tot ake care of him and hes catholic and he had a va psych nurse he sw all the time for the depression but he’d never tell anyone anything..he had way to much pride..the nurse pracrticioner was shocked when she heard…but I asked them a few questions and she asked me “well how much do u know?” then i got worried she wouldnt tell me anything after that. and where we werent married even though 17 years together..its not observed…he has a living medical will only and it haS ME DOWN BUT not sure wheteher that matters or not and he had me down as person on his checking accts that they could talk with me..and he never got life insurance yet and he’s been waiting for his court date for social secrity for almost 6 years..its been tough finacially but I nevere ever thoguth with his religion and his mom still alive even though its hard becasue she’s going downhill quickly..but wee goot home after the concert and he said it was friday and he was going to go out for a little while longer and I couldnt I ws just exhausted I had to stop so many times because of my lower back I was even shocked because the [pain was so intense even with my meds) so I didnt argue I knew he was stressed and needed to be out for awhile so at 3:25 am he pulls in the driveway and the lights on in the truck..i asked him what he was doing and he said he’d be right in to go ahead and go inside …so I did and then he came into the bedroom put his wallet in my housecoat said i love you and went into the living room and turned out the light..i thought he was going to lay down on the couch ansd watch some tv..but I heard the front door shut lightly..so I came out to the living room and chris was on the porch sitting on the end of the proch crossed legged and smoking a ciggarette..I walked over to him and saw the gun in his lap…and i cried and beggedhim to give me the gun and asked him please qwhat are u doing there’s nothing that we cant go thru..we can make it..we are having tough time with bills and moms bills and then the house in ohio…and i put my arms around his shoulders sideways and he creid on my arm but i couldnt ge thte gun from him ..no matter what i said or did I tried to get the gun and he wouldnt let go of it then i felt sick to my stomach and ran into the house and clled the cops and told them what was going on all about his religion all about everything i had her on the phone even when i went outside to find him..he was at the back of the truck sitting on the driveway with the gun up to his chest directly infront of his heart…i cant tell u everything but i can say i have never tried so ahrd in my life and cried so hard in my life for so long now and I even told him I WOULD SELL EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE AND WE WOULD (sorrycaps) we would buy what ever we could afford to and we would jusst travel with hsi disability and my small check wee coudl do it..that i would do anything just name it but he wouldnt give me the gun and I wouldnt leave..but then two cops showed up and had two flashlights shining on him while they stood behind two trees across from our driveway behind the neighbors driveway and all they did was yell at him to put the gun down..I still had the phone and the sispatcfher on the phone so she cold hear everything..then they yelled at me to go in the house or they were foing to taze me and then he yelled at the cops “you’d better have an ambulance waiting then” and he was angry because they thrreatned me so he pushed me away and said go inside before they jhurt u and i kept yelling at ht ecops if i leave he’ll shoot i cnat leave if they would have tried talking ort had an ambuilance like i told them to or if they would have broughta cchaplin or someone to talk to him..so finally i had to go inside the house and cracked the glass door about 4 inches and on my hands and knees cried to chris and pleadded please dont do this i cant live without u please think of your kids and grandkids think of our babies (two mini pins) precious was his little girl (the runt) and then I heard a loud pop and I thought I’d dided and asked the cop is he ok did he get tazed they wouldnt say ahything but get inside now..they were rude and then I knew when i heard him say go get a camera chris had shot himself in the driveway….I have been in a nightmare ever sicne..I’ve never been scared at night but now i’m petrified then the va wouldnt allow me to make any decidions when it came to funeral anything because I’m not married to him doesnt matter that we’d ben togethre for 17 yrs…they calleded my daughter and she was to be sitting with me during the rest of this awful night…but when she got to the house the cops outside wouldnt let herin they said it was a crime scene and shes like they called me its my mother in there but they wouldnt let her so she sat outside for 3 1/2 hours watching everything they did to his body and he was right there for her to have to see covered in a sheet then pics then the coroner etc…..the biological daghter never ecver saw anyone that had been passed before and she made it sound awful so she decided there wouldnt be any open casket or veiwing or even a service…..I had no say so I felt like a stranger and it was my husband my life my soul that I couldnt even hold they wouldnt let me get to the window or even go out after the cornoer to hold him or anything..plus they never even askedd me if he was an organ donofr..i wasnt thinking of that but I had his wallee with the proof and theyw ere suppose to take him right away but he was out there for 6 hours I had to be interrogated by 4 detectives and a coroner needless to say I was in shock for the first 3 weeks and think I still am in a nightmare and cant beleive he’s gone..they lost our cell phone and they got tyhe ssecurity number wrong so the death cert has to be redone they found a 6 page suiced letter like his will in the truck and kept it in evience for 4 days and then i couldnt get it even though it was to me his biologivcal daughter had to get it ….I love her but she’s really treated me wrong and I know she lost her father..she wasnt ever around him she never called him all the time only when she needed something…and now here i am I rent and my rent is more than my social security disability the landlord loved chris..they had played golf 4-5 days prior so it was hard for him also he’s going to see if he can get sect 8 on this house so i can stqay here then i will beablke to pay for my urtitlites eetc but i dont know how long its going to take to get it and I hate it because he’s not getting rent i owe him 975.00 and now i had to go to one of the churches (hated to do so) but the electric bill was 2 months and 387.00 and then the water camae in for 93.00 and my gooodness everything is coming in and disscconnect notices etc…chris had taken over the bills because he had to do his moms for the house in ohio anywyasa and wnat4d to take some stress off of me…I misss him so much he’s the one in a lifetime…the one whom you can tell everything do anything be anything and he’s always there alkways lving me and sme here i coull;dnt have loved anyone more than i love him..and i get mad too because why…since they didnt ask me about organ donor etc they never checked his organs etc and he was cremated so now i have to get files if i can from va to find out if the cancer was back ewtc…my sister in washington state set up a percession for me with the retired military riders brigade…they allvolunteered to ride their motorcycles with the american flags flkying on all of them except for one and chris got his laast ride on a harley to the new military cemetary in radcliff..he was riding on the one that had the pow black and white flag and the american flag and they took him from the funeral home all the way down dixie hwy with honors and the honor guard was there and the va did have a minister talk to everyone and it was a nice service at least at the military cemetary..but I’ve been thrown into a tornado of sorts thI’m so messed up..i miss him so much …god must have had a reason for this ..i wont understand until my day comes but this pain is soooooo bad..my bp is high and the dr comes to my home where i’m homebound and my daughter has really been there for me but its takeing a toll on her too and I cnat keep depending on her so I though I’d get online …even in the obit that she wrote it never said anything that it should have there wsnt any address and she shouldhave put it in the papers where we’ve lived and had most freinds so they could find it to..I didnt even have time to contact all his freinds or his eod nothing..there was a few cards but chris deserved better he deserved alot better and his freinds should have had the right to say good bye too…now i’m just empty and sad and got my little mini pins that need alot of love and our 2 cats ad my duaghter but its really been difficult…and it seems like last night…I am so sorry for your loss…and I wanted to let you know that when u said it makes life doubly hard…oh my…it makees it almost unbearable and I share your greif and again I’m very sorry for your loss because once u find your mate that u share your life and i mean all our life with and you turn into one its so so hard to imagine life without them theres no meaning anymore…but I do have my daughter and my mini pins and going to try to get into a greif group or something and need to find a way to get soemthing for my landlord and dont know if I have the strength to even have a yard sale god will help I just have to have faith and take t minute by minute and thats what i would say to you..minute by minute livein the moment and try to see if time will try to help us all heal somehow with prayer and new freinds…god bless and sorry for this I had to write snf noe everyone knows but he really is a wonderrful man and spirit he gave to everyone else and took care of everyone else even strangers but he didnt give enough to himself he said he didnt want his family to suffer anymore because he couldnt provide for me and he didnt know how we were going to make it he even wrote a letter to social secirity right before he killed himself…please for anyoe who does read this very long letter prayers for chris please that he’s found peace and no pain and he will be happy and found that beautiful place he always would talk about howthe other side will be better when our parents went..also would u please pray for me i’m in need of evrything strength understnding wisdom finances everything and i hate it that i have ti reach out on the internet but had to dosomething….god bless us all and you are in my prayers too as well as your husband..god bless teresa…if u need an email u can find me on facebook under teresa dempsey and theres also the percesssion on the site and theres a guest book on legacy.com chris fonzi louisville ky email is chris’s email i’m using for now WUZBAD@YAHOO.COM IF U WOULD LIKE TO CONTACT ME JUST MAKE SURE IN THE SUBJECT IT STATES LOSS OF LOVED ONE SO I KNOWW GOD BLESS AND THANK U TO THE ONES WHOM HAVE THIS SITE- TEE