Mother’s Day had been one of the most dreaded days of my life for a long time–until I learned that guilt can be overcome and forgiveness can take place after the death of your mother.
The Mother’s Day before the loss of my stillborn son, I did something that was so out of character for me that I still cannot believe I did it. I totally ignored my mother on Mother’s Day, and I did it knowing that I would hurt her deeply. I was angry with her for being an alcoholic. I was angry with her for ruining her health. Mostly, I was angry with her for not being the mother I thought she should be. So I foolishly and selfishly made the decision to withhold love from my mother on that particular Mother’s Day. I’ve never viewed Mother’s Day the same since.
Life never gives us everything we want or everything we think we need. My mother had problems dealing with depression. She had a serious physical illness since she was 30 that left her dealing with physical and mental pain. She was a full-blown alcoholic shedding her misery on others every day of her life. And I wasn’t happy about that. Why, I asked myself, should I buy her a card with all kinds of flattery and tell her things that weren’t true? Why should I shower my mother with love when she would be too drunk to even read a card from me?
She asked for a simple gift that year. She wanted a lawn chair — the inexpensive kind that can be folded and carried any place. She wanted a $10 lawn chair, and I wouldn’t give her that as a gift. I didn’t acknowledge her at all on Mother’s Day. I shamefully didn’t even give her a card or a phone call.
Little did I know that my mother would never again see another Mother’s Day. She died 10 months later from complications of the liver brought on by her constant drinking.
God, in His mercy, allowed me to hold my mother’s hand as she drew her final breath, yet I never spoke the words I wanted to say to her. I never said, “Mom, I love you so much, and I’m so ashamed of myself for not thanking you for giving me life, for taking care of me when I was young, for teaching me about God, and for trying your best.”
Instead, I pulled inward and kept that wall between us as she feebly took her last breath. My mother was gone, and I was left with guilt. Guilt for not being the daughter I should have been to my mother. Guilt for not acknowledging my mother on her final Mother’s Day on this earth. Guilt for not getting her the lawn chair that she wanted!
I have had lots of time to repent, and it has taken me years to finally feel the heavy weight of guilt removed from my heart. I learned an eternal lesson that I want to pass on to others for this Mother’s Day, and for every Mother’s Day to come.
Please don’t ever deny your mother the gift of love even if you think she doesn’t deserve it. You have been given one mother, and it is both an honor and a privilege to show your mother that you care even if that love is never reciprocated. Every mother needs to be hugged, loved, and treated special, and most especially on this day set aside for honoring mothers. I’ve also learned that you can still be a loving daughter even after the death of your mother.
I miss my mother, and I have wished thousands of times over that I could tell her what I feel in my heart. I have visited her gravesite and talked with her. I have written her letters and asked for her forgiveness. I have even bought her a lawn chair! In fact, every year since the death of my mother, I buy one lawn chair and give that chair to someone who might enjoy just sitting in the sunshine for a while.
Life without mother on Mother’s Day was often empty and hollow. Add guilt to that, and it was horrible. The good news is that healing can take place, and you can continue to honor your mother even after she has left this earthly life!
This Mother’s Day, I will be shopping for a lawn chair once again to give away in honor of my mother. Mom, I love you!
Tags: anger, grief, guilt, hope
Dear Clara,
I’m so sorry for your loss, and frankly even sorrier for mine. You see, my mom died this year on Mother’s Day. I’m adopted and have been grateful and proud of that fact for 53 yrs. (mom was 83). This was the THIRD time in her life she fought cancer, all unrelated; this time was just too much for my darling, brave mom.
I’m finding myself almost 3 wks. later with all the symptoms of clinical depression. Yeah, I should know what they are; I’m finally finishing my B.A. in Cognitive Neuroscience (LOTS of pysch classes) Why, I don’t know. When she was diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer late last Oct., we all knew the outcome. Still she courageously went through radiation and chemo — she was nothing if not a fighter. She absoutely embodies the “she fought the good fight” thought.
However, she’d been doing so well — but when it went, it went fast. We had no idea what to expect, simply because she HAD been doing so good. Both my s-i-l and I had asked/prayed to whatever powers that be that she have no pain. Maybe that’s why she went so fast? Only the last 2 – 2 1/2 days were pretty bad, both for her and her family there watching and trying to comfort. I awoke last night at 2 a.m. with those last days playing over and over like a continous loop in my head. Finally I got up and smoked a cigarette, and read for a while (like 3 hrs.). Finally I was tired enough to go back to bed, but unfortunately in the meantime my insomniac husband woke up and was just coming to find me, 75 min. before he had to get up anyway. (no, no one really got any more sleep; we just dozed)
It’s one thing to suspect what’s wrong with you; it’s another thing altogether to have it confirmed, esp. when that’s one’s area of study and supposed expertise. It helps not at all …
My mother died July 23, 2010 after a long battle with lung cancer. She received chemo and radiation and when she first got cancer her body swelled because of a condition called superior vena that has to do with the lung cancer. She thought she had the flu and she had quit smoking cig. over 15 years and lived a pretty active life and was the peak of health. She believed in divine healing as us all and was always optimistic that she would be healed, as us all. She died a terrible death in the hospital, with MRSA, aspiration Pneumonia her body started swelling and then the hospital took her off of antibiotics and food and water and glucose and let her die like a dog, I think. I was not there at the time but my other siblings allowed this, and I know they probably feel bad right now about it and I will forgive them because I am a Christian and God tells me to and for my own well being I have to but it will be hard. God forgives them.
Somethings that have healed me is to realize that it may not be my perfect time for her to have gone but it was her time to go God knew about it and it was her time that was determined long ago ” there is a time to die”. Not to ask why over and over it will only drain you. That some parts of grieving are unhealthy and we have to realize that and not think that we have to be sad to get over it. Truth is to honor the person who died we need to allow ourselves to be joyful and not feel guilty when we are happy or think that we are not showing respect if we are happy or think we don’t show them love if we go on with our life in joy, but the truth is they would want us to be happy and go on with our lives. Make a journal of thoughts and prayers during grieving times. We will not see them or they can not come to us but we will one day go to them. Heaven is really real and they are waiting for us if they are in Christ.Remember it does not show them honor to be depressed or sad. Not to live in denial but realize it happened and there is nothing you can do about it now and the pain will go away with God’s help if you allow him to comfort and heal you. For Christ binds up the broken hearted. If you don’t have a counselor then learn to coach yourself: self talk about what I have written and other things you pick up that helps. Think on things that are lovely and of good report, if there be any virtue think on these things.. For your own health. Do it.
I lost my beloved Mother June 8, 2010
Mom complained of stomach upset a few months prior, I told her to
stop at the doctor’s on the way home and have it checked out, she previously had ulcers, when I talked to her later that week she told me she made an appointment, which she never kept. My Mom was a heavy drinker and smoker, ever since my Dad passed away at 59, then my brother at 42, she lost her cheerfulness, growing up she was my idol, so beautiful and strong, I aspired to be her.
The last 15 years of her life she hid her medical issues, her drinking, and money issues, all of this led to her depression.
She went into hospital on June 6 and was sent home with Maalox, my sister took her back to the hospital on June7, she seemed to be recovering, then early June 8 I was called to the hospital, I got there in time to see Mom loaded into an ambulance to be taken to a bigger hospital, my entire family surrounded her in her final hours.
It has been very difficult on my family, losing Mom was bad enough, but her financial issues are still with us, but we will get through it, I am so glad I have lots of family.
In the end our family doctor told my sister that Mom’s death could have been prevented if she had kept her appointment, unknown to us she had colon cancer, if you are reading this, make your family keep their appointments, you may save their life. Thanks for reading this. I just needed to vent.