By Gloria Lintermans & Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T. —

The holidays can be a particularly difficult time for those of us who have lost a loved one. We are used to being with our family members during this time, and now an important person is missing. The following are suggestions for managing the holidays.

1. MAKE PLANS – There may be an inclination to isolate during the holidays. But making plans for the holidays helps us cope with change and gives us some much-needed structure. Too much free time can stimulate loneliness and despair. When we make plans, we often feel that we have something to look forward to and share.

2. CREATE A NEW HOLIDAY RITUAL – We do not want to forget the loved one who has died. But it helps to create new rituals. Whatever way we might have set the table before, create a new pattern, maybe different seating arrangements or unusual flowers. The point is to establish a different ritual, a different style that is not a reminder of the past.

3. TRY TO STAY IN THE MOMENT – Do your best to be in “the now.” Some people tend to over-analyze and over-think. Take some opportunities to focus on the present: Look at a flower, for example, and simply notice its color, form, shape, uniqueness, scent, petals and pollen. This gives us a break from our thoughts, a break from problem-solving and worry.

4. GRATITUDE – We can tend to fixate on what is missing. Balance that with gratitude. Be willing to appreciate the good things — our family, our healthy minds and bodies, our ability to see, to hear, to think, to reflect, to notice, to enjoy and to feel deeply.

5. EXERCISE – Exercise can also take us out of ourselves and into the world. It may distract the griever from the constant state of anxiety that often accompanies grieving. We release endorphins in our brain when we exercise. Find out what kind of body movement works best for you — walking, swimming, hiking, etc. — and then make plans to do it.

6. NUTRITION – Good nutritional habits are important during grieving because the immune system is down due to stress. Try to eat healthy foods during the holidays, and also give yourself permission to indulge occasionally in the not-so-healthy foods that give you comfort.

7. ADEQUATE REST – People tend to oversleep or not sleep enough during grieving. Listening to soothing music before bedtime is relaxing; not listening to the news before going to bed is a good idea.

8. FAMILY AND FRIENDS – Reaching out to family and friends is particularly helpful at holiday time. Friends and family can provide comfort, safety, warmth and love. Accept invitations, try to laugh and see funny movies. Be less concerned about being a third wheel and more attached to how wonderful it is to have people in your life who care for you and want to be with you.

Marilyn Stolzman and Gloria Lintermans are co-authors of THE HEALING POWER OF GRIEF: The Journey Through Loss to Life and Laughter (Sourcebooks, Inc., ISBN 1-932783-48-2)