By Stephanie Frogge —  Living in a country at war, it’s difficult to escape the media reports, the mind-numbing statistics, the opinions of politicians, even the views of our family and friends.  The issues that drive it and the images that make it real, even to those who do not have a loved one serving in the armed forces, are inescapable parts of our current culture.  But for those whose involvement is more personal, for those whose loved ones have died while in service to their country, the very public nature of the issue is but one unique characteristic of military loss that impacts survivors.

According to military reports, nearly 5,000 troops have been killed in combat in Iraq and Afghanistan.  Those numbers do not include military contractors who have been killed, nor does it include service men and women who die of natural causes, in accidents, or by homicide or suicide while serving overseas.

Thousands upon thousands of Americans are grieving the death of a beloved family member who lost their life in service to their nation.  Their experiences of grief may be familiar to anyone whose loved one has died, but one potentially complicating factor that may be less familiar is the prevalence of media reports and imagery that bombard the survivor with reminders.

A woman named Denise compares the death of her father (of a heart attack at age 46) with the death of her brother in Iraq.  “In some ways, my brother’s death in Iraq reminds me of my dad’s – it was sudden and Tad was so young.  But one difference for me is that the things that remind me of Dad are usually private things that I have some control over…. But with Tad, every time I turn on the television or go to the internet, there’s a report about someone who has been killed.  I don’t watch the news anymore but I can be driving in my car listening to music and suddenly a news report will come on and all I can think about is another family is going to get that knock on the door.  Some of the other families I’ve met have told me about seeing their loved one’s picture on TV or even footage of their funeral in some news report months or years later.”

In the current climate, it’s very difficult to avoid public reminders of the death and its circumstances.  Footage of a roadside bomb, a politician’s speech about some aspect of the war, reports of another death of someone with ties to a nearby community all serve as painful reminders.

Of course no bereaved person can escape their own personal reminders whether the sight of their loved one’s favorite snack item in the local grocery or images of an upcoming holiday that won’t include the deceased.  But with few exceptions, only military-related deaths currently garner the kind of unwavering media attention that serves as a constant reminder.

Short of living in a cave, there’s no realistic way to avoid media reminders of the war but it’s possible to limit one’s exposure.  And by being proactive and intentional you are actively engaging in behaviors that may assist you in coping with your grief.

Limit televised news. For many people, the nightly news is a ritual that signals winding down the end of the day.  However, if watching the news is likely to distress you, create another end-of-day ritual and get your news from other media outlets.  Unlike other forms of media, television utilizes both sound and visual imagery specifically designed to maximize the impact on the viewer.

Actively limit general media exposure. It’s perfectly okay to change your media consumption habits, and many survivors do just that.  Delete the headline sections from your internet home page.  If you keep the television on for background noise, change the channel to something innocuous.  Listen to CDs in your car.  Give yourself permission to just skim headlines and then decide what articles you’ll come back to read and when.  If you decided to lose some weight, it is likely you would become very intentional and selective about your exposure to food.  Most serious dieters would avoid the all-you-can-eat buffet and limit the amount of junk food in the house.

Assess your tolerance. After his son, Michael, was killed in Afghanistan, Kent found even the scrolling bar across the bottom of all-news channels felt ominous.  “When I would go to the gym I would sometimes pick a machine away from the televisions showing the news or if it wasn’t crowded, would change the channel.  I felt so incompetent – like I couldn’t even go to the gym without risking a breakdown – but then it occurred to me that I could apply the same techniques to watching the news as I did to my workout.  Depending on how I feel and what is going on with me I might decide to run a couple of extra miles or if my shoulder is bothering me I can limit my weight lifting.  I started to do the same assessment of my emotional state.  Some days I can watch the news or at least tolerate it.  Other days – I call them ‘Mikey days’ – there are certain things I will and won’t do and one of the things I won’t do is watch the news.

Create a ritual. When exposures to depictions of trauma are unavoidable, consider creating a ritual to help you manage your reaction.  You may want to pray for those the news story is about or do something that helps to ground you.  Since her son’s death in Iraq, Betsy engages in a daily ritual of reading aloud the names of those who have been killed and thanking them for their service.  “I feel that the death of each soldier is important, and should be acknowledged and honored,” she says.  “I subscribe to the Department of Defense press releases and it’s the first thing I do when I open my email.”

Contact the media. If media coverage surrounding your own loved one’s death is troubling to you, you can contact the media entity yourself and request whatever changes you believe are appropriate.  Perhaps a local television station is running footage of your loved one’s funeral whenever they do a story that is related to the military or maybe you are being asked to speak publically and are uncertain about whether you want to be interviewed.

What has your experience been like?  If yours was a military loss, perhaps you have had an experience you would be willing to share.  How have you found your mourning impacted by media reports and imagery?  How have you managed it?  If your loved one died under different circumstances, you might have found the opposite – that your loved one’s death was accorded only fleeting public attention, if at all, and now it’s as though the world has forgotten.

For those whose loved one died in military service, many have found support, information and connection with other military survivors through TAPS – Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors.  TAPS provides peer-based support though a variety of programs and services and can be found online at www.taps.org or by calling 800.959.TAPS (8277).

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Stephanie Frogge

Stephanie Frogge is a professional crime victim services consultant working with programs that assist victims of crime, the bereaved, and address social justice issues. She provides customized training, program development and technical assistance in all facets of trauma reaction and helping responses. Stephanie has over twenty-five years’ experience in the area of trauma response, victim services administration, victim assistance and activism, writing and speaking extensively on victim assistance, grief and trauma issues. She is the former National Director of Victim Services for Mothers Against Drunk Driving’s National office overseeing MADD’s internationally recognized victim services programs. She also served two years as the Director of Peer Support Services for TAPS – Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors, a Washington, DC-based national organization serving those whose loved ones have died while serving in the military. Stephanie holds a bachelor’s degree in Criminal Justice from Texas Christian University and a master’s in Theological Studies from Brite Divinity School. She is also a lecturer in the College of Criminal Justice at Sam Houston State University in Huntsville, Texas. Stephanie appeared on the radio show “Healing the Grieving Heart” with Dr. Gloria & Dr. Heidi Horsley to discuss “Recovering From a Traumatic Event.” To hear Stephanie being interviewed on this show, go to the following link: https://www.voiceamerica.com/episode/33572/recovering-from-a-traumatic-event Stephanie Frogge, MTS, is the assistant director of the Institute for Restorative Justice & Restorative Dialogue at The University of Texas at Austin. Among other projects she assists with campus implementation of Restorative Discipline throughout Texas. She has over thirty years’ experience in the area of sudden death, trauma response, victim services administration, victim assistance and restorative justice, writing and speaking extensively on victim assistance and trauma issues. She is the former National Director of Victim Services at Mothers Against Drunk Driving’s National office overseeing MADD’s internationally recognized victim services programs. She holds a bachelor’s degree in Criminal Justice from Texas Christian University and a masters in Theological Studies from Brite Divinity School. She has taught at Sam Houston State University in Huntsville, Texas, The University of Texas at Austin, St. Edwards University in Austin, Texas, and Southern Methodist University, in Dallas, Texas, on juvenile delinquency and juvenile justice, victimology, and restorative justice. She is also a trained mediator. In her non-work hours she hunts down new restaurants, old thrift stores and creates and sells yard art.

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