Mother’s Day
The first Mother’s Day without our son, Clint, was approaching. He had passed away the summer before, but the weight of grief was still heavy. So far we had made it through each day by taking one slow, encumbered step at a time. Each morning for several weeks prior to the upcoming holiday, I began to notice a little sports-type car parked near my car in the parking garage at work. Apparently, it was parked there on a long-term basis because it started to gather dust. After a while, the thick dust became a target for graffiti- some of which was amusing and some was distasteful. One was even a negative message to a mother. Despite the fact I did not appreciate some of the comments written on the car, it reminded me of Clint and the activities of young people. The car remained there unmoved and untouched day after day. Considering the anxiety of the impending holiday, I did not give the car too much thought.
When the dreaded Mother’s Day arrived, my husband, Alan and I decided a hike to the top of one of our favorite peaks in the nearby national park. We had been avid hikers, but now even the simplest activity seemed to take more effort and energy than we had. We have had some adventures on our hikes, but this time our only goal was to get past another painful holiday without our youngest son and perhaps to be tired enough to finally get a few hours of peaceful sleep that night.
Just as we arrived in the trail parking area, approximately 35 miles from our home, we decided to take a different route to the top of the trail than the one originally planned. After several hours of uphill hiking, our bodies were beginning to feel the aches and pains. We were beginning to doubt we could even make it to the top because we knew this was not an easy hike. Then we came upon the following message written in large letters in the dirt, Happy Mom’s Day, Love From Your Sons. I was taken aback and my heart began to beat a little faster. I thought, “Could this be for me?” The rest of the hike my thoughts bounced between belief and disbelief. I could not remember Clint using the words Mom’s Day instead of Mother’s Day, but it would be like him to shorten it. Another point that raised doubt in my mind was the signature of sons instead of son. Then I thought to myself, “After all I do have two sons, perhaps Clint had included his brother in the message.” I had a point and counter-point for each thought. Nothing like this had ever happened to me before. I thought to myself, “I don’t want to miss a message from my son. But on the other hand, I don’t want to seem like a foolish old woman.” I pondered many thoughts. I could not imagine who else could have left the message, because we had started hiking early and had not encountered any other hikers. Also, none of our family members or friends knew where we were hiking that day.
With little discussion about the message, we continued on our way to the top. Once there, we had our lunch. Inside the fire tower, someone had left a book about the area in memory of his or her family and others had turned the book into a journal for recording messages. We left our own little message and cleaned up our lunch items. On a clear day, this hike offers some spectacular views, but this was an overcast day. A little disappointed by the lack of views, we started down the trail. Just then the clouds parted and the sun came out. For that brief time, we enjoyed God’s beautiful handiwork displayed by nature. The cloud cover returned and silently we hiked back to our car somewhat contented and exhausted. Yet, the nagging doubt of the message still remained in my mind.
When we arrived home that evening, we found a card in the mailbox from a friend of Clint’s. The sweet and thoughtful friend had written on the outside of the envelope, “Happy Mom’s Day.” This touched me deeply. I thought, “Could this be my confirmation? Was the use of Mom’s Day instead of Mother’s Day a sign?” The rest of the weekend my thoughts continued to bounce. I wanted the trail message to be for me, but how could I be sure?
Time does not stop for grief and a new workweek began. As I pulled into the parking garage and started to swipe my entry card, I had the quick thought, “If the message along the trail really was for me, the distasteful messages on the car would be gone because I shouldn’t pick and choose which messages are for me.” I park in a large multi-level parking garage, so at this point I could not see the dusty message-laden car. As I turned the corner and continued on, I chuckled to myself about my absurd thoughts. “Of course the distasteful messages would still be there and the whole weekend was just filled with coincidences.”
As I got closer I could see the car was still there, but to my shock all the writing on the car had been wiped clean. It did not appear to have been moved or washed, but it had been cleared of any writing. I had not said anything to anyone about the car or my thoughts, not even my husband. So I smiled, wiped away the tears, and enjoyed the warm feeling of connection. I joyfully thought to myself as I walked into work that morning, “Okay, I get it. The message on the trail WAS for me.” For a while that day, the burden of grief would be a little lighter.
www.clint-reagan.memory-of.com
Debra S. Reagan
Tags: grief, hope
Debra,
I am 2 days away from my first Mother’s Day without my only child, Jennifer, who was a victim of murder/suicide by a former boyfriend on August 7, 2006. She also suffered with bipolar disorder along with drug and alcohol abuse. She was on medication finally and was also celebrating 9 months clean & sober thanks to AA. My daughter was 31 years old and even through we lived many states away, we talked every day and I miss her so very much. Will the pain ever go away? I want to go to a mountain top on Mother’s Day and release a balloon in her memory for all the wonderful Mother’s Days she gave me.
Thank you for sharing this memory. Mother’s Day, in particular, can be so difficult for us.
I ran across an amazing example of a woman who struggled emotionally and physically after an accident that claimed her son’s life. Her story is inspirational.
I loved your story
I have felt the same feeling several times during the first year after my son passing
I would love to receive e-mail from you
I feel this second year with out him confirms that time will make his absence more obvious and somehow that has deprived me of my perception of messages anymore
Please write back
Deborah and Dawn,
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious loved ones. I want to thank both of you for the comments you have shared.
Dawn-Thank you so much for sharing the story!
Deborah-There were many days I also wondered if the strong intense pain would ever go away. In the beginning I didn’t see how it ever could. I think of Clint everyday and I miss him so much. But the deep pain does ease in time. It seems the more peace I can achieve, the more I can cherish the sweet memories and good times.
I think the balloon sounds like a wonderful idea. I wish I could be there with you. Our children are always with us, and we will always be their moms. Big hugs.
Dear Deborah & Dawn,
This is my second attempt at this reply, so please bear with me for the repeat if the first one shows up.
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious loved ones. My heart aches with yours. I apprciate your comments on the show. I was a little nervous and I wasn’t sure I was able to say anything helpful.
Dawn–Thank you for sharing the article!!
Deborah–Thank you for sharing Jennifer with us. I enjoyed viewing her beautiful pictures. Her smile will stay with me. A smile comes to my face now just thinking about her.
I remember wondering if the pain would ever be different. For me the deep intense pain has eased some. Be patient and kind to yourself, because it is a slow process. We feel such deep pain, because we loved so deeply. The more peace I can find, the more I can enjoy the memories.
Releasing the balloon sounds wonderful, I wish I could be there with you. Our children will always be a part of us and we will always be their mothers.
Veronica,
I am so sorry the loss of your precious son. I would love to hear more about him. Thank you for your kind words regarding the show. It certainly has warms my heart to read these responses to the story.
The second year certainly has its emotions and can require a lot of stamina at times. There were times I wasn’t even sure I had the energy it required so I became very protective of my energy. But sometimes we are hit in ways we aren’t expecting no matter how we try to plan or prepare. I found, as with all the emotions and feelings associated with grief, my feelings of connection with Clint vary at different times. During those times in which I don’t seem to feel his presence with me as much, I imagine all the adventures he must be experiencing. I also imagine that time is not the same in his world as it is in mine. So I try to be patient and open to new ways we might share a connection. It is also exciting when others share the ways they have been connected with Clint.
I might suggest if you haven’t already, you might want to listen to the archived show of March 2, 2006 titled “The Afterlife Connection” with Jane Greer.
I would love to hear from you again about your son and your journey.
Big hugs,
Debra Reagan
Thank you all for sharing your stories. It has been nearly a year since I lost my only child to a hiking accident. I struggle every day to understand why she was taken from me. I have no one left now…no husband, no parents, no family. Alicia was all I had left in this world and she is now gone. I cannot even begin to describe the loneliness and the pain…but you know. I, too, look for signs of her. If not for my faith, I am not sure I would still be here…even though I truly don’t want to be anymore. Any joy I had in living has been taken from me. She was a gift from God and I had many surgeries just to have her. She survived 3 major car accidents…and I guess one more accident, she just couldn’t survive. I long for the day when my heart will not have to endure the pain it endures now. and no one really knows…because they simply do not and cannot understand. I am tired of putting on a face for others. I am so very weary. Any words of wisdom and/or encouragement are greatly appreciated. Friends are tired of my grief. And I am so thankful that they do not understand. No one should have to live with such a loss.
Lana
Lana,
I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious child. My heart aches along with yours. I visited your daughter’s site. She is a beautiful young woman. What a touching eulogy! Thank you for sharing her with all of us.
No matter how hard we may try to describe the pain we have, it is still beyond words. I found it helpful to reach out, just as you have, to others on the same journey. I discovered around 18 months there were days the intense pain began to ease some.
Grief requires so much stamina and energy. Take each day one small step at a time and be kind to yourself.
Hugs,
Debra
Debra, I have a dear friend living with me now since her son died 1-30-07. Being this close to someone who lost a child is more than I pray I will ever suffer through but I feel it so important to reach out and find others who might want to share with me helpful ways to help her. I am not her God, she has to work out her grief with His help but I know we were put together for a purpose. There are days she can’t get out of bed, is this normal? Then there are days she crys, is this too normal? Then, there are days she is working in the yard and she will smile, is this normal? I have lost loved ones, my brother hit me the hardest, but perhaps since it was so long ago, I have forgotten how I felt. Anyway, I would appreciate any words you might pass on. I did research out a church that has grief counciling which she attends along with any other ones she can find.
Thank you for listening,
Deborah
Deborah,
I am very honored that you have shared your friend’s path with me. You are a very special person to be there for her during these dark days. My heart goes out to your friend and the loss of her precious son. January 30th is still so very soon. Since I am not a trained counselor, I can only speak of my own experience. It sounds as though you friend is acting much the same as any grieving parent.
I have found the grieving experience to be a roller coaster with many ups and downs along the way. Some days just as I felt I was improving I would take a nose dive. Sometimes what might make me feel better one day would not work the next. On top of grieving, there were days this roller coaster ride made me feel as though I must have been going crazy. It helped me to attend The Compassionate Friends meetings and to hear that other grieving parents were going through much the same thing.
Even though there were days along the way I felt I was improving slightly, I did not feel a significant improvement until around 18 months. I am still working on my own grief and there are times I still have bad days. But now I can truly say I also have some good days along the way.
There were also several other things along the way that I found to be helpful. I found it helped to create the website for my son, Clint, as a way for others to get to know him. I found listening to the Healing the Grieving Heart radio shows to be very beneficial. I read many books from the library. One of my favorites is The Grief Recovery Handbook. As I move further along this path, I have found it helps me to help others. I think I gain far more than I give.
The journey of grief can make one feel very lost and alone. It is a very good thing to have such a wonderful and caring friend that will be there just to listen when the grieving person is ready to talk.
Gentle hugs to you and your friend,
Debra Reagan
http://www.clint-reagan.memory-of.com