Sameena from Charlotte writes: I am looking for ideas to help my mom. My  older brother was murdered and buried in foreign country as a John Doe. We will eventually have him exhumed and have services – it’s just a lot of red tape. I am looking for a way to help my mom grieve by honoring him in some way. I like the quilt idea but I don’t know if my mom has any of his clothes. Do you suggest anything else?

Stephanie Frogge, national crime victim services consultant, responds: How loving you are to want to help your mom express her grief in ways that honor your brother’s memory.

If you can get any of your brother’s clothes, they can certainly be utilized in a quilt or wall hanging, even a teddy bear or sachets.  Almost anything tangible can be crafted into a piece of jewelry or placed inside a locket your mom can wear.  You might want to consider purchasing or having made a shadow box, special chest, or shelf where photographs and other mementos can be displayed and looked at.

Many bereaved people find it meaningful to create a scrapbook and technology gives us other possibilities including memorial websites and memorial DVDs.  There are artists who can create a painting from a photograph, which can be hung in a place of honor. Believe it or not, more and more bereaved parents are choosing to get a memorial tattoo and computerization allows for any image, such as one from a photograph, to be used as a tattoo template. Depending on what your mom might find meaningful, the outdoors opens up other options, including gardens, trees, memorial benches, stepping stones, walls and other items of beauty and reflection.

Your brother’s birth date and death date might be special times when family and friends can come together for a memorial activity.  Making that day better for someone else through community service or even just a celebration of his life at his favorite restaurant might be things you can explore. Some families honor their deceased loved ones through special events such as a 5K runs or community picnics.  Sometimes these events double as fundraisers for memorial scholarships.  You might want to spend some time reflecting on your brother’s interests and hobbies, values and goals to come up with ideas that will not only give your mother meaningful ways to remember her son but also to truly honor his unique life.

And in the midst of your loving care for your mother, I hope you will also recognize and honor your own loss – the tragic death of your precious big brother.

In sorrow, Stephanie

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Stephanie Frogge

Stephanie Frogge is a professional crime victim services consultant working with programs that assist victims of crime, the bereaved, and address social justice issues. She provides customized training, program development and technical assistance in all facets of trauma reaction and helping responses. Stephanie has over twenty-five years’ experience in the area of trauma response, victim services administration, victim assistance and activism, writing and speaking extensively on victim assistance, grief and trauma issues. She is the former National Director of Victim Services for Mothers Against Drunk Driving’s National office overseeing MADD’s internationally recognized victim services programs. She also served two years as the Director of Peer Support Services for TAPS – Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors, a Washington, DC-based national organization serving those whose loved ones have died while serving in the military. Stephanie holds a bachelor’s degree in Criminal Justice from Texas Christian University and a master’s in Theological Studies from Brite Divinity School. She is also a lecturer in the College of Criminal Justice at Sam Houston State University in Huntsville, Texas. Stephanie appeared on the radio show “Healing the Grieving Heart” with Dr. Gloria & Dr. Heidi Horsley to discuss “Recovering From a Traumatic Event.” To hear Stephanie being interviewed on this show, go to the following link: https://www.voiceamerica.com/episode/33572/recovering-from-a-traumatic-event Stephanie Frogge, MTS, is the assistant director of the Institute for Restorative Justice & Restorative Dialogue at The University of Texas at Austin. Among other projects she assists with campus implementation of Restorative Discipline throughout Texas. She has over thirty years’ experience in the area of sudden death, trauma response, victim services administration, victim assistance and restorative justice, writing and speaking extensively on victim assistance and trauma issues. She is the former National Director of Victim Services at Mothers Against Drunk Driving’s National office overseeing MADD’s internationally recognized victim services programs. She holds a bachelor’s degree in Criminal Justice from Texas Christian University and a masters in Theological Studies from Brite Divinity School. She has taught at Sam Houston State University in Huntsville, Texas, The University of Texas at Austin, St. Edwards University in Austin, Texas, and Southern Methodist University, in Dallas, Texas, on juvenile delinquency and juvenile justice, victimology, and restorative justice. She is also a trained mediator. In her non-work hours she hunts down new restaurants, old thrift stores and creates and sells yard art.

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