In a deeply moving conversation on the Open to Hope podcast, musician and author Nate McClendon shares his transformative journey through grief following the tragic loss of his 18-year-old daughter Naomi, who died in an accidental fall from a ten-story building in February 2014.
McClendon, currently serving as the community engagement specialist at Kansas State University’s Beach Museum of Art, brings a unique perspective to grief and healing through his background as a musician who has worked with prestigious organizations including the Grammy Foundation and the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts.
The Evolution of Love and Understanding
Ten years after his daughter’s passing, McClendon reflects on how this profound loss has reshaped his understanding of love and life’s meaning. “My capacity to love has increased,” he shares, noting the paradoxical reality that his love for Naomi has grown even after her death. This expanded capacity for love has influenced how he views all human connections and relationships.
Music and Grief after Losing a Child
As a musician, McClendon’s grief journey has been deeply intertwined with his artistic expression. For nine years following Naomi’s death, he found himself unable to write music, the trauma too overwhelming to translate into melody. However, his approach to performing underwent a significant shift, focusing less on technical perfection and more on creating meaningful connections with his audience.
Music has the ability to capture time and feeling or emotion. When I play, there’s a certain warmth that overcomes me. There’s a certain place that I go to in my mind where I just feel I’m with her.
The Four Phases of Grief
In his book “The Emerging You: A New Approach to Grief and the Griever,” McClendon outlines four distinct phases of the grief journey:
- The Storm – The initial phase where everything feels chaotic and painful, typically lasting several years
- New Normal – A period of adjustment and acceptance of changed circumstances
- Action Phase – Making conscious decisions about life direction based on new perspectives
- The Emerging You – Ongoing personal growth and discovery
Professional Transformation
McClendon’s grief journey led to significant professional changes. After much consideration, he made the difficult decision to leave his beloved career as a music teacher at age 52. This choice exemplified how profound loss can lead to radical life changes as priorities and perspectives shift.
Lessons in Time and Living
Among the most significant insights McClendon gained is the precious nature of time. He observed how this understanding affected his perception of how people spend their moments, particularly in relationships with their children. This awareness has fueled his mission to help others live more meaningfully and create positive change in the world.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: How long does it typically take to process grief after losing a child?
While everyone’s journey is different, McClendon suggests that the initial intense phase of grief often lasts several years, much longer than the month or year that society typically allows for grieving. The process of adapting to a new normal can take many years.
Q: Can music help in the healing process after losing a loved one?
Music can be a powerful tool in processing grief, offering both emotional release and a way to maintain connection with loved ones. As demonstrated by McClendon’s experience, music can capture memories and emotions, providing comfort and a means of expression during the healing journey.
Q: How does losing a child affect one’s identity?
The loss of a child often leads to a complete reconstruction of personal identity. It affects not just parental status but challenges fundamental beliefs about life’s meaning, personal values, and future direction. This identity shift can lead to significant life changes, including career transitions and altered relationships.
Read more by Dr. Gloria Horsley: Kathleen Gilbert: Couples Coping with Child Loss – Open to Hope
Visit Dr. Gloria Horsley’s author page on Amazon: Amazon.com: Dr. Gloria Horsley: books, biography, latest update
