Grief is a universal human experience, yet society often struggles to address it effectively. In a recent episode of “Epic Begins with 1 Step Forward,” host Xander Sprague and guest Denise DeWalt delve into the complexities of loss and the journey of healing that follows. Their conversation sheds light on the misconceptions surrounding grief and offers valuable insights for those navigating their own path through loss.
The Unexpected Journey of Grief
Denise DeWalt’s journey began in 2009 when she suddenly lost her husband to a blood clot. This life-altering event propelled her into a new role: helping others navigate their own grief. DeWalt emphasizes that grief is not a life sentence but an opportunity for growth. “Losing a loved one is actually growth,” she explains. “It’s not that it isn’t a loss or sadness, but it’s a whole new life that starts.”
This perspective challenges the common notion that grief is something to “get over.” Instead, both DeWalt and Sprague, who lost his sister 27 years ago, agree that loss becomes incorporated into one’s life rather than something to move past.
Society’s Misunderstanding of Grief
One of the key issues discussed is society’s general discomfort with death and grief. As Sprague points out, “Here in the United States, we don’t really deal with death very well. We treat it like it’s the most communicable disease in the world.” This attitude often leads to isolation for those experiencing loss, as people around them struggle to know how to respond.
DeWalt highlights the common expectation that people should quickly return to normal after a loss. She recounts an interaction where someone asked if she had a new man in her life just six months after her husband’s passing, illustrating the societal pressure to “move on” quickly.
The Myth of Time Healing All Wounds
Both guests challenge the popular notion that “time heals all wounds.” DeWalt argues that this passive approach to grief can keep people stuck. Instead, she advocates for active engagement with the grieving process. “There’s work to be done,” she emphasizes, suggesting that healing comes not from the passage of time alone but from how one uses that time.
Rethinking the Stages of Grief
While the traditional five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) are widely known, DeWalt suggests that this model can be limiting. “Grief is grief,” she states, advocating for a more fluid understanding of the grieving process. Sprague adds that while structure can be helpful, especially when one feels lost, the stages should be seen as fluid rather than a linear progression.
A crucial aspect of healing, according to both Sprague and DeWalt, is the act of remembering and sharing stories about the deceased. Sprague encourages people to share all kinds of stories, not just the positive ones, as a way of keeping the memory of the loved one alive and learning more about them. “It is how we keep them alive in our life,” he explains.
Practical Challenges of Loss
The conversation also touches on the practical challenges that come with losing a partner or family member. From dealing with personal belongings to taking on new responsibilities, these tasks can be both emotionally and logistically daunting. DeWalt shares her experience of having to learn new skills, like mowing the lawn, after her husband’s passing.
Both guests emphasize the difference between “moving on” and “moving forward.” DeWalt explains that even as people heal and potentially form new relationships, the deceased loved one remains a part of their life. “He’s in a threesome,” she says of new partners, highlighting the ongoing presence of the deceased in one’s heart and memory.
Conclusion
The conversation between Sprague and DeWalt offers a compassionate and realistic view of grief. They challenge societal norms that often oversimplify or dismiss the grieving process, advocating instead for a more nuanced understanding. Their insights provide valuable guidance for those experiencing loss and those supporting others through grief.
As DeWalt poignantly concludes, “The loss of a loved one is not the loss of our lives. It’s the beginning of a new life.” This perspective offers hope and a path forward for those navigating the complex journey of grief.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: How long does the grieving process typically last?
There is no set timeline for grief. It varies greatly from person to person and can ebb and flow over time. Instead of focusing on a specific duration, it’s more helpful to concentrate on working through your emotions and adapting to life changes at your own pace.
Q: Is it normal to feel guilty about moving forward after a loss?
Feeling guilty about moving forward or finding happiness after a loss is common. However, it’s important to remember that moving forward doesn’t mean forgetting your loved one. It’s possible to honor their memory while still embracing new experiences and relationships in your life.
Q: How can I support someone who is grieving?
Supporting someone who is grieving involves being present, listening without judgment, and acknowledging their loss. Avoid phrases like “get over it” or “move on.” Instead, offer practical help, share memories of the deceased if appropriate, and be patient as they navigate their grief journey. Remember that support may be needed long after the initial loss.
Watch Zander on Open to Hope TV: Episode 24: Siblings the Forgotten Mourners
Learn more about Zander on his website: Podcast – Zander Sprague
