My life is divided into before and after, so each holiday or special event that happens my mind rushes back to compare the before and the after. Before Clint’s death, we had the traditional Christmas celebrations. After his death, it was too painful to think of having a Christmas without him. I tried for the sake of others in the family. When I opened the box of Christmas decorations, my heart sank to the lowest depths possible.

We all have certain things that hit us the most; for me in the early times it was the Christmas stocking. Stockings had always played an important role in our family celebrations. I felt lost in my grief and pain.

What to do, what to do? Do I hang Clint’s stocking? How do we not hang his stocking? It hurt so much to think about that stocking. I was confused about how to deal with all of these feelings that first Christmas. We attended TCF party at the home of the chapter leader and I saw that they had a stocking for their daughter. I came home and hung Clint’s stocking. It still hurt a lot, but I did it and I still hang the stockings.

I am not saying these things to suggest that you have to handle your grief the way that I did. This is to say whatever you do will be the best for you. You may decide to only display a few favorite ornaments.

Each mom has to decide what is best for her and her family. What is best for you may change from year to year and sometimes even day to day, but you will find the way that is best for you at the moment. Take a deep breath during the stressful times and remind yourself that you are doing the best you can. It is alright to accept invitations and it is okay to decline invitations.

If you decide to attend, perhaps you can have someone tell the hostess that you might have to suddenly leave. Give yourself an out, but you may find that you will not use it. I hope you will always remember that you are not alone in your grief journey.

Much love to each of you.

Debra Reagan