A Catholic priest, Fr. Ron Rolheiser, OMI, has written extensively on suicide. One particularly powerful excerpt states: “The majority of suicides should be understood as death by a mortal illness: a deadly chemical imbalance, an emotional stroke, an emotional cancer or an oversensitivity that strips someone of the resiliency needed to live.” 

Depression Like Other Diseases

Depression has been compared to cancer. Some people with cancer can be cured, others managed with treatment, but some cases of cancer are fatal. Similarly with depression, some can be cured, others can be managed, but tragically some are terminal. Suicide is the result of terminal depression.

After a suicide parents must face both the brutal reality of their child’s sudden death as well as the many additional emotional issues and stigmas associated with it.

A mother shared the following after losing her teenage daughter to suicide, “It was like a bomb went off in our home. Absolutely everything changed.” After finding her daughter’s still warm body and trying to revive her, she suffered from P.T.S.D. along with crippling grief. She and her husband divorced. Exhausted after work, she barely had enough energy to make dinner and go to bed. Her younger son withdrew and didn’t appear to need her help. However, several years later he needed professional care for major depression.

What Parents Say

The following stories are from parent survivors who share their unique struggles after losing a child to suicide. One mother describes “choice” as related to suicide this way:

“Our son, Keith, was 29 years old when he decided to end his life by suicide. Suicide is a frightening word, and it is not only ignorance but fear and stigma that keep people from understanding why someone would take their own life. In a way, it is easier to think that a person made a ‘choice,’ freeing us from knowing the truth.

“The word ‘choice’ continues to perpetuate the stigma of suicide. The definition of choice is; ‘the freedom in choosing, both in the way one chooses and in the number of possibilities from which to choose.’ In a pre-suicidal state, an individual is overwhelmed in a given situation. They suffer extreme mental anguish and a painful sense of hopelessness. Their sense of judgment is distorted, and they do not have the ability to make ‘choices.’ They usually want to kill the pain rather than themselves.

“Suicidal people may be unable to restrain themselves from acting on feelings or impulses. This strong impulse to end the pain is often due to the depletion of the chemical called serotonin. This is a chemical within the brain that helps restrain impulsive behavior.

“We can only imagine the horrible mental torture our son endured. Depression is one of the most terrible and pervasive illnesses of our day.” 

Guilt is ‘Biggest Burden’

This mother describes her battle with guilt and finding courage to move on:

“Guilt is still the biggest burden I carry. Had I been a good mother? Had I given him all the tools he needed to survive and thrive in what can be a cruel world? Did I love him enough? Yes to that last question. I did love him enough, but in the end my love wasn’t enough…. (From Carol Loeher, The Compassionate Friends, Heart of Florida Chapter Newsletter)

Life is Still Good

“Although guilt rears its head periodically, I don’t dwell on it. That would be a waste of time with no resolution. I have come to a place of peace now. It has taken time, patience and support from many, including my Compassionate Friends. I have learned to love my hobbies again, including photography and travel. Each time I visit a new place and take it off my ‘wish list,’ I think of my boy and know that he traveled with me.