The holiday season can be particularly challenging for those who have lost loved ones. In a heartfelt discussion on the Open to Hope Conversations podcast, Dr. Gloria Horsley and her daughters, Dr. Heidi Horsley and Rebecca Barra, shared their personal experiences and professional insights about managing grief during the holidays.
Understanding Holiday Grief
The first holiday season after losing a family member often proves to be the most difficult. Rebecca Barra, who lost her father four years ago, initially resisted setting up holiday decorations or participating in festivities. Despite having four children, she struggled with acknowledging the holidays without her father’s presence.
Dr. Heidi Horsley emphasized how their father was deeply invested in holiday traditions, making his absence particularly noticeable. The family had to adapt to new ways of celebrating while honoring their memories of him and their brother Scott, who had passed away years earlier.
Practical Strategies for Holiday Survival
The family shared several key strategies for managing grief during the holidays:
- Communicate plans early with family members about holiday arrangements
- Allow yourself flexibility to change plans if needed
- Arrive early to gatherings and arrange independent transportation
- Give yourself permission to leave events early if feeling overwhelmed
- Consider creating new traditions or celebrating in different locations
Honoring Loved Ones During Celebrations
The Horsley family suggested several meaningful ways to remember deceased loved ones during holiday gatherings:
Share memories of your loved one but include everyone in toasts and celebrations. As Dr. Heidi notes, “If you’re going to do a toast, do it to everybody, not just to the person that died.”
Some ways to incorporate memories include:
- Sharing favorite holiday memories around the table
- Including a special photo or memento in the decorations
- Speaking their name naturally in conversation
- Having someone give a special toast in their honor
Self-Care During the Holiday Season
The importance of self-care cannot be overstated during this emotional time. Rebecca emphasized listening to your instincts and giving yourself permission to opt out of activities that feel overwhelming. The family recommends:
- Taking breaks when needed
- Asking for help with holiday tasks
- Maintaining regular rest and hydration
- Accepting that it’s okay to modify or skip traditional decorating
- Seeking support from extended family members
For families with young children, maintaining some holiday normalcy remains important. However, this doesn’t mean everything must remain exactly as it was. Finding a balance between honoring traditions and acknowledging change helps create a path forward.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: How do I handle holiday gatherings when I’m not feeling up to celebrating?
Consider attending for a shorter time and arrange your own transportation. Let hosts know in advance that you might need to leave early and give yourself permission to step away when needed. Remember that it’s acceptable to decline invitations if you’re not ready to participate.
Q: What are appropriate ways to remember deceased loved ones during holiday celebrations?
Consider sharing memories during dinner, including their photo in a meaningful way, or creating a special toast that honors them while also celebrating those present. The key is finding a balance that feels comfortable for everyone involved.
Q: Should I maintain all holiday traditions after losing a loved one?
It’s perfectly acceptable to modify or create new traditions after loss. While maintaining some traditions may be important, especially with young children present, give yourself flexibility to change what no longer feels right. Some families find comfort in completely new traditions or locations for the first few years.
Read more from Gloria Horsley on Open to Hope.
