Practicing Gratitude in Grief

OK, OK. Before you throw lasagna in my face, let me just assure you that this section is not going to be full of toxic positivity and the rah-rah crap that makes grieving people want to vomit.

What I am going to do is share how I, personally, have employed gratitude practices throughout my grief journey to help me feel just a little bit lighter, a little more hopeful, and a little less griefy. (Is that a word?) It turns out that practicing gratitude is scientifically
proven to help shift our vibes in a more positive direction during grief. Of course, that’s not the technical way that scientists would explain it, but please just go with it.

Idea #1: Journal of Pleasant Things

When I went to the psychiatric hospital after my daughter died, one of the first things they had me do was start a journal of pleasant things. I know some of my readers will automatically shudder and turn up their noses when they read the word journal but hear me out. It doesn’t have to be an ACTUAL journal. And this practice doesn’t have to occur daily, like you are being FORCED to do it.

Here’s what I actually did. Essentially, this is an evening practice. I was supposed to get out a notepad and pen and write down three things that I was either grateful for or found positive throughout my day. It didn’t matter how mundane or insignificant these things seemed. If I was having a particularly horrible day, for example, I might write something like “I’m grateful that I have a comfortable sofa on which to curl up and cry.”

Because I’m “extra” and wanted to impress the psychiatrists at the hospital where I went for therapy (and yes, typing that out I hear how ridiculous it sounds), I went home and immediately designed pretty journal pages in Canva that I promptly printed out and made into a notebook.

I did as instructed, and most days I was able to figure out three things to write down. If I wasn’t feeling it, I didn’t do it. But most days, I did. My entries ranged in depth from “Took a shower today” to “The tulips are popping out of the ground. They remind me of my dad and make me smile.”

I sat my notebook next to my bed, so that the last thing I did each day was to try to find the positive things that had happened that day. I found it amazingly helpful.

Idea #2: Hunt the Good Stuff

The next strategy for practicing gratitude that I learned was inspired by positive psychologist and resilience expert Lucy Hone, Ph.D., an author and speaker. HTGS stands for “Hunt for the good stuff.” This is a practice that military members use to learn resilience. The idea is that during bereavement we are so overwhelmed with the negative because we are going through something difficult and gut-wrenching that the good in life is totally outweighed by the bad.

To combat this, we should create a routine of noticing and appreciating the good things that are happening around us. You could put up reminders to HTGS, like sticky notes on your bathroom mirror or the dashboard in your car, to give you a visual cue to search for positive things. The idea is just to actively SEARCH for the good, instead of the bad, and make a mental note of those things.

Idea #3: Finding the Positive in the Negative

The next strategy might seem almost impossible at first. I know I would’ve cried at the thought of it in the early months after Libby’s death. But eventually, my hope is that you will get to a point where you can acknowledge and be grateful for anything the death of your loved one has given you.

Give me a moment to explain. The vast majority of us would literally do ANYTHING we could to go back and change things so that we never lost the person we love. If there was a way to turn back time and save my daughter, you bet your ass I would do anything to do it. If I could trade her life for mine, I would. I would rather have her here with me than anything else in the whole world.

But that’s not going to happen, so I’m choosing to be grateful for the things that her death has brought me. Because Libby died, I am forever changed as a person. In some ways those changes are sad, but in some ways, they are good.

Gratitude Even for the Worst

Because of Libby, I found the courage to leave a bad second marriage that I had tried desperately to make the best of—and I believe that she would be so happy and proud to see the peace this decision has brought me.

Because of Libby, I now have more time to write and a new way to help people—two things that are important to me which I didn’t have enough time to do much of before.

My kid was my biggest supporter, and I know she would be stalking me on the social networks daily to see how many followers I have and checking out my subscribers on YouTube, and she’d be right there in the pictures and videos beside me if she could.

Because of Libby, I have learned to care less what other people think. I have learned to be more open and honest. I have become more fearless. Now that the worst possible thing has happened to me, I’m not afraid of anything. I have one life and I want to live it with as much ease and purpose as possible.

I look at all of these things as gifts that Libby has given me, and I am so, so grateful to her. So indescribably grateful.

I’m definitely NOT a supporter of toxic positivity, but I AM a believer that gratitude can help healing. So, in that spirit, here are some silver linings that YOU might discover in your healing journey, even when life seems to be chucking lemons at you from all directions.

Read more by Brooke Carlock at Grieving Mommy: One Mama’s Journey Through Child Loss/Grieving Mommy: a grieving mom’s journey through child loss

Check out Brooke’s other writing on Open to Hope: ‘You’re SO Strong’: A Misunderstanding of Grief – Open to Hope