With the holidays fast approaching, I think about last Christmas.

Last year was the first Christmas without my sister.  Personally, I felt like skipping over the entire season.  I knew in my heart that others were depending on me to help make the holidays bearable, so I helped.

I did ask less of myself though.  I did most of my shopping online. When I did go out to the malls I was surrounded by happy, laughing people and I felt very alone. I didn’t feel like laughing and being happy. I was almost angry that everyone around me was going on with their lives. Did they not know my sister was brutally murdered? Did they not know the world is a terrible place?  Did they not feel my pain? The answer to those questions was simply “no”. They did not know, they did not feel my pain, how could they?

I was attending a weekly support group at the time. ( I still attend a support group.) Our group leader was so helpful when it came to the holidays. She told stories of how others coped with the holidays. She gave us suggestions and ideas and most of all, she told us that however we chose to spend the holidays was okay. It was our choice.

It was okay to spend the time alone. It was okay to spend the time with family. It was okay to cry. It was okay to laugh. Whatever we chose to do was okay.

That helped me immensely. I was able to take some of the pressure off myself by understanding that Christmas of 2009 would not be the same as every Christmas before that and it was okay.  The group leader also asked us to make our plans.

Then she asked us to have a plan B.  My husband and I planned to travel back to my home state to celebrate Christmas with my family.  We had the day set, all of the family would be together.

I was nervous about that day. How would I react when Sandy wasn’t there?  Would I cry all day? Would others think I was weak?  We were gathering at my childhood home. The only home I remember as a child.  I thought about all the Christmas’s we celebrated in that home, all the Christmas’s with the entire family together.  Now we would be gathering again at that home, without my Dad or my sister.  Oh, how hard that day would be.

About a month before Christmas, our group leader told stories of how other families had honored their loved ones at family celebrations. One family had an empty chair. The chair that their father had always sat in. Another family made a centerpiece out of their Dad’s old fishing hat. The used it on Thanksgiving day and it became a tradition for them.

What could I do to honor my Dad and sister? I felt the need to do something.  One day, one of my brave days when I ventured out to Wal-Mart I was walking through the store, the craft department and I saw it. I knew immediately what I would do.

In his retirement, my Dad had made wooden birdhouses to give away. He enjoyed cutting the boards, building the house, painting them an array of colors.   When my sister died and we had to clean out her house, we saw bird houses lined up on a soffit in her living room. I had always known she collected birdhouses, I was just surprised at how many she had.

So as I stood in Wal-Mart in that craft section staring at a ready to finish birdhouse, my idea came to life. I bought everything I needed. I went home and worked diligently on that bird house. I painted it red and green. On one side, I neatly printed ‘DAD’.  I then used stickers of all the things he loved to decorated Dads side of the birdhouse.  On another side, I neatly printed Sandra.  On her side I used different stickers representing all the things she liked.

I added some Christmas stickers and I neatly printed ‘Family’ above the perch and hole on the front of the birdhouse.

On the day of our family celebration, I carefully unveiled the birdhouse. It was a huge success.  My Mother turned it so she could study each side and she smiled.  The birdhouse became a family tradition. It would travel to each home that was hosting the annual family Christmas celebration.

I made it through last Christmas.  I had a back-up plan ready to go, but didn’t need it. It was difficult being in the house we all grew up in. I found myself walking through the rooms remembering all the times I shared with my sister. I found myself staring out the kitchen window hoping she would pull into the driveway like I’d seen her do so many times before.

It was then that a few tears would fall. I missed my sister, I still do. I missed hearing her squeals of delight when she opened a gift. I missed her laughter and her sparkling eyes.  If I closed my eyes, I could see her, I could hear her laugh, see her smile. I knew she was there with me.  And knowing that, I made it through the day.  I  held onto those memories and I smiled.

This year, I find the holiday season a little more bearable. We have two new family members this year: my first grandchild, Henry, and a new great niece, Quinn. Two new sets of eyes to see the traveling family centerpiece. Two new lives to help us celebrate the holidays.

Whatever we chose to do during the holidays is okay. We can continue with tradition, we can make new traditions or we can sleep through the day. Whatever we chose is okay, it is our choice.

Tags: anger, belongings, funerals, money, Depression, guilt