Nobody could possibly have prepared me for what it would be like when my mom died. I’m barely able to describe it, seeing as how I’ve lost my mind and all.
What I can tell you is what it feels like. It seems to boil down to, “You’ve completely lost my mind and that’s perfectly normal.” This is typically said to me by someone with a piteous tone and a pat on the head; and I’m grateful as I can be for the tone and the pat!
The word that keeps running through my head is torpor (“a state of motor and mental inactivity with a partial suspension of sensibility”) with a feeling of being completely lost. Definitely shaken AND stirred.
In the 70’s, there was an expression for when you smoked pot and were a little high: “Maintain.” As in “Maintain the appearance of being perfectly normal when you walk past your parents in the living room when you are stoned off your rocker, red-eyed and giggling.”
In the aftermath of my mom’s death (today in fact is 2 weeks to the day), I occasionally catch myself thinking I’m just fine. And then I go and do something completely “off” . . . I think I’m “maintaining” but instead, it’s like I’m wearing those feetie pajamas with the back door hanging open, and everybody can see it but me.
For instance, it took me five separate trips from her house to the car the day she died. First, the new locks didn’t work — or worked too well — and I was locked inside the house. Then I remembered I could simply go out the sliding glass door. I’M A GENIUS! Got to the car. No purse. Tromp back up the little walkway and around back, grab purse and head back out to car. Now no car keys.
And so it went. It wasn’t until the third trip I realize that it might – just maybe – have something remotely to do with my state of mind.
Or just today when I thought I left my apartment perfectly groomed and caught sight of myself in just a couple of hours later in the ladies’ room mirror at my office. My mom used to describe this particular look as “ready to haunt houses.”
I have what can best be described (by me) as uncontrollable emotional diarrhea. I never know when it will hit. I’d like to go out but fear traveling to far from familiar surroundings. I wish they made a diaper to conceal eruptions while at the grocery store or in the office. Perhaps my sense or humor – inherited from and honed by Mom – is exactly that.
Tags: Depression, grief, guilt, hope, signs and connections
i too know exactly what you are saying. i lost my Mother, my best friend, it will be 1 year feb.26. she went in for a routine ( or so i thought) colonospathy. the dr. nicked her colon. she was 80 yrs,. young. she was in excellant health, far better than me. if i had thought something like that could happen, she would have never had the test. i was by myself in the waiting room ( this was routine, right) the dr. came out in exactly 10 min. after i had left her. she passed away 23 hrs. later. she had swollen up so huge ,that if the dr. hadnt taken me to her room…i would have walked right by it. the only thing that looked even remotly like my Mother was her hair. she was very spunky and in such good health that i kept telling the drs. that ..they didnt know my Mom that she would be ok. i am so angry and oh God how i miss her. i am a only child, so it was for most of my life just her and i. will it ever get any better ? will it ever stop hurting ?
Cheryl – thank you for your heartfelt comment. I’m sorry to hear about the shock of your Mom’s passing. This week is just 5 months since my Mom died and I do think it gets “better” – no longer quite the unrelenting, searingly fresh anguish – just an ache that will probably won’t ever go away. Shows how much we loved them. I almost don’t want to stop missing her; it feels like I get to keep her around in the very memories that have me miss her. It’s a little circular – the happy, tender memories fill my heart, which then makes me sad . . . and so it goes.
Hi Connie,
I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your Mum.
I was very touched by what you have written and can identify with all the feelings you described.
It has been just over 6 weeks since I lost my Mum suddenly,to a massive stroke.
I feel totally lost and feel I have nobody to turn to for advice.
It’s all the little things you miss, isn’t it?
Even close friends have upset me with their insensitve remarks.
Each day is so hard and lonely. When do you start to feel better?
I wish you well.
Dear Caz –
I can’t imagine the shock of such a major loss so suddenly. You have my heartfelt condolences. I’m glad you found some comfort here. There was a book that helped me tremendously if I may recommend it to you: Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s On Grief & Grieving.
It does, indeed, feel like the rug’s been pulled out from under you – more so in your circumstances, I imagine. It is very much the little things. Be very gentle with yourself – 6 weeks is like 6 minutes. For me, it took over six months to feel a bit better (i.e. not crying on the subway) and still I’m often surpriseed by a pang or tear that seems to come from nowhere.
We loved them. We love them still.
Dear Connie,
Thank you for kind words,and taking the time to write.
I was so pleased when I saw you had replied. It has made my day.
It is so nice to be in touch with somebody who understands.
It will be 7 weeks exactly tomorrow, since losing my Mum.
She was so happy the day before.
Little did I know what would happen the following day. It has been a terrible shock.
I live in the UK, and I found this website by pure chance.
Your articles have brought me comfort, as you write so beautifully, and from the heart. Thank you.
I used to visit my Mum every day. We lived so close to each other.
How are you coping with losing your Mum? I am glad you are feeling a bit better.
I know what you mean about a tear that comes from nowhere.
Thank you for recommending that book. I will buy it.
Would you have an email address that I could write to you, please?
All the Best,
I lost my mum in a terrible accident. I had swine flu and wondered why I had’nt heard from her in 3 days. I kept calling and leaving messages and put my anxiety down to feeling unwell. When I finaly managed to get someone to take me seriously they eventually broke the door down to my sisters home and found her. To add insult to injury my car was parked two feet from where she lay. I could not get to her quickly due to this. My heart is broken as she was/is my best friend we spoke and saw each other almost everyday. I felt helpless and out of control due to my illness and angry that she was taken at the worse time. I was’nt allowed in the ambulance and isolated in the hospital. I feel like I am screaming inside with the pain. Sadly on the same month 1 year later my 20 year old male cousin was killed in a car crash. My entire family are in extreme grief where no one can support each other, its so painful. I don’t know what to do all I know is that I am still breathing.
I am sorry for your loss Connie, and everyone who has responded. I lost my father on march 19th of this year, its gonna be 9 months, and eventhough time does dull the pain a little, it still is heart-wrenching. I am 28 yrs old, and my dad was 71. This may seem like a decent age to live to for some, but he was young, too young for me to lose him. He went into the hospital because he had lost alot of weight and was weak. They found problems with his liver, it covered in lesions. i didnt know what this meant. so i researched. it was cancer, but they needed to see where it started, the main tumor was in his stomach. but they didnt find it til 2 weeks into his hospital stay. it didnt matter, it was already stage IV. His liver was failing and no chemo or radation would save him at this point. None of us had any clue. we knew he wasnt well, but never occurred to us that it was cancer. He was so healthy otherwise, ate healthy, but also was scared to follow up on other health problems that ultimately could have saved him early on. But he didnt know this would happen. After his 3 week stay in the hospital, he was released to go and have hospice care at home. and i know they helped him, but i wish they would have released him sooner because 5 days later he passed away. I am an only child as well, and was in the bed with my mom. we were all in the same room, when i woke up to not hear him breathe.snore. just silence. that changed my and my moms life forever. And I get that feeling you talk about when you say “torpor”. ts like a pice of me is gone, an emptiness inside. and ive talked to friends and i talked to a therapist a couple times. Everyone talks about healing. but its so life changing, yet inevitable. i am glad to have found this website, and your page here. I am sorry if i have said too much, but it just feels good to vent things i know someone can relate with. even my family members dont get it. my cousins, lost an uncle, and they are all guys, they tend to bury their feelings and move on quick the way they did with our other uncle, but this was my father. and the loss is so much more personal. i saw him practically everyday of my life, when i wasnt in school, i lived here. Now its me and my mtoher, and I will move forward and get married 1 day, andknow that he wont be there to walk me down the aisle. and it just sucks. I know this is alot for anyone to hear, so im sorry if i am saying too much. thank you for expressing yourself and sharing your words.
TY Connie for sharing and sorry for your loss. All our losses. I lost my Mother March 2010 unexpectidly very sudden due to medication reaction. It is only getting worse instead of better..I was so strong at first for my 2 children and Father I am only child I lost my Brother 2005. My mother was my best friend/my confidant/gave me guidance and an ear. Most of all it is so hard to know that I will never be loved like that again.
Dear Robin:
The first year is DEFINITELY the worst; all those “firsts” and the first feelings that go along with them. You have clearly had some major losses to cope with. I’d encourage you to be gentle with yourself – that’s been my biggest lesson. Wishing you much peace and love ~
Dear Erin:
I so get how you’re feeling – in your first post and the second. I understand not recognizing yourself and feeling as if the bottom’s dropped out. All I can say is that my prayers are with you and to offer you some things that helped me. It’s only been 5 months and you’re really in the throes of it. That’s why Open to Hope is such a great site – a place to share what you’re going through and to see you’re not alone through others’ experiences. Oddly perhaps, when I felt as you do, writing helped me and now I have the privilege of helping others through that outlet. I found I also had to create “the new normal” for myself. Please allow yourself to be open to the people in your life who are really there and give yourself the peace to take it one baby step at a time. As for your anger at others, the biggest learning for me in the grieving process was forgiveness and compassion – for myself and for others who have their own grief journey (and they seem as incomprehensible to us as we do to them). It all begins with compassion and gentleness for yourself. Consider, too, a good grief counselor or group.
I send many blessings to you in this difficult time.
I lost my mom 3 months back..lief has come back to normal for everyone around me. I have two kids and a caring husband.Though I was so hurt to see the remarks from me with my on going depression. I see her everyday in my dream..will get up..look around and then sleep again..don’t know waht to do..feel terrible.. I acn not do anything..miss u so much mom..where are U?
I lost my mum over two years ago and thought I was managing but lately all the grief has come flooding back. I have crying fits every day thinking of her. It doesn’t help that I’m in the UK and my family are in Australia,all happily married and settled while I’m by myself. Who am I now? I’m not a daughter anymore, I’m not a wife and I’m not even an employee as I lost my job before Christmas.
My mom died on December 7, 2010. She had not been feeling well for months,but was always under several doctors care. They all told her “you’re fine” “there nothing wrong with you” She ended up in the hospital and died with massive bowel perforation. We had to turn off the meds and watch her die. I feel like I’ve died as well. Within a month, my daughter moved out of our home into an apartment witha friend, and my other daughter went away on a business trip for 2 months. I am in such a state of anxiety and depression. My dad is still alive, but I can’t do this to him. Friends and neighbors want to take you places to get you out and distract you, but nothing seems worthwile. I am having terrible anxiety and panic at home alone. I can’t believe life ends like this. I don’t have a spouse or significant other, and ironically, my mother used to keep telling me to “find a husband” because one day you will be alone. She was right. Even though I never wanted to be bothered with searching for that significant someone, it would be helpful in times like theses, although some of the other ladies that wrote in say that they have a happy marriage with a supportive husband, yet they still have tremendous grief. Also, I think I have come to the realization that I am terrified of death. Where do you go? All my religious beliefs tell me that you are with God, but where is that? I am so afraid that my mom is not safe and okay, although that sounds ridiculous. I can’t believe they go someone that we can’t be also. I hope someone listening will have some advice. I will pray for all of you and think about what you all are going through. Take care.
I just want to say thank you from my heart, to everyone whose comments I have just read. My mother died just over a year ago and although friends are incredibly kind, I can sense that they are all starting to feel that it is time I started to ‘move on’. Move on to what? Where? How? I have no idea. I wake up every morning to the same pain that will not go away. I was her carer and lived with her for most of my adult life. My father died when I was still at school and from then on I found it more and more difficult to leave her. I had relationships over the years, but like Lizbeth who posted her comment on February 6th, I had never married though I often thought that “one day I will be alone”. And now I am. The sense of loneliness and desolation is indescribable…and yes there is that question of “Who am I now?”. But there’s no answer, only the emptiness, the longing to see her, be able to talk to her, to be able to feel her presence. I sat here, in the library, and wept when I read some of the comments here…just because it is somehow helpful to know that there are other people out there who describe such similar feelings to my own. Thank you, thank you. I too will hold all of you in my prayers.
Lizbeth,
My mum died on New year’s day 2011.
Scientists/ theoretical physicists have now onfirmed that there is a parellel universe.
This is perhaps the “heaven” where the dead go to.
You can see some videos on people who’ve died & come back (NDE’s) on my blog:
http://www.jerrymohan.blogspot.com
To all d people that, feel there is know hope 4 them, i want to tell u now there is much hope 4 all of u though i know the ( grife, pains,) u people are passing urge u to carry on because with god all things are possible. i just want to tell u that i feel ur pains but GOD feel them more. may GOD bless u all in JESUS name…… Amen……. name Kenneth……..country…………nigeria………..state…..edo ………..city benin
To Julia: I feel the same way. Its gonna be a year next month that my Father passed away, and it is still so fresh. I kiss a picture of him every night. And I cry many nights still. He took care of my mentally ill mother for 30 years, while they both did great at raissing me too. Now I am head of household for the most part. And thinking about the future is so scary, because I feel at a standstill. He was a good father, an exemplory man and hard worker his whole life, and watching him deteriorate in a matter of a couple of months, down to weeks and days, will forever be embedded in my mind. But I know that we all have the strength to cope with it all. We are human, and we have a resillience in ourselves that dont realize until it really matters. I can’t stress enough how much I am glad to have an outlet like this, because talking about it, and sharing withothers who know that feeling of loss, is a special thing. Thank you
I lost my mother a year ago this week and I know how you all are feeling. I am going through the same thing. Please email me so we can talk. I know how tuff it can get and how hard it is. You feel so alone and don’t know what to do. We are all going through the same grief. and sadness.
I was so glad to find this site. My father passed away unexpectedly Feb 2008. I was still tring to get through the grieving process when exactly one year to the day I get a call from a hospital that my mother was taken to ER and was no on full life support. She passed away in July 2009. I feel so alone all the time. I miss my parents. I still pick up the phone to call them. I cry almost everyday. What can I do to make the hurt go away? I want to be happy again.
Its going to be 1 year this saturday, the 19th, that my father is gone. Its surreal. I know how you all feel. Cindi, I’m so sorry you had to suffer such a trauma twice so close together. Words cant describe the pain of losing one parent, let alone 2. if you, or anyone wants to chat, email me. you can also look me up on fb. Stay strong.
I sympathize with each and every post and my prayers are with all of you. I lost my mom on March 30, 2011 at 136am to Diabetes complications. She became blind, then kidney failure, dialysis, a stroke in January of this year, and suddenly passed the same night after being discharged from the hospital. I miss her so much she was my life, my best friend, and my sister. I feel comforted in knowing that there are others who can relate to my deep felt pain, longing for my mom, and feelings of loneliness and feeling lost. We were a team and now Im so torn without her. I look for her and hope to hear from her . Thank you all for your comments because they are helping me thus far. God Bless you all and you are in my prayers..
my email : niascott76@yahoo.com