As most of us know, there are certain things that trigger our emotions while on this journey of grief. I think it’s safe to say that we all understand there are different stages of grief, different emotions and feelings also. Many people experience anger while grieving. Anger at the deceased, anger at God, anger at the situation, just plain anger.
After my sister was murdered, just under 18 months ago, I experienced anger. I still experience it. I was angry that it happened to my sister. I was angry at God, and I still have a few questions for him. The anger now comes and goes. I think I have taught myself to release the anger when I can and suppress the anger when I need to.
A few months after my sister died, the anger welled up inside me and finally came spilling out. I had days that I wanted to hit something. I knew I couldn’t do that. My counselor had told me time and time again, I could feel, think, act in any way I wanted to as long as I didn’t cause physical harm to myself or anyone else. If I did that, I would be crossing the line, the line between healthy and unhealthy grief.
My anger and my need to hit something grew. In my home, the door that led from the house to the garage had a half window in it. When I would go to the garage, I would grab the door knob and look at that glass. I often thought, I could punch that window, it wouldn’t do much damage. I fought the urge. Every day, I fought that urge.
Finally, I made a sign that read “Do Not Cross That Line.” A sensory reminder that kept me from punching that window. Eventually, I did go out and purchase a punching bag, complete with the gloves. My husband hung the bag in the garage for me and I began to use it everyday. I punched and cussed and punched and cussed. Every day, often several times a day, I would go to the garage, pull the gloves on and punch that bag. It felt good. I was releasing the anger in a healthy way. A way that worked for me.
Nine months after my sister’s death, I moved back to my home state. Unfortunately, I didn’t have a garage or a place for the punching bag in my new home. My son has the bag in his garage, 90 miles away from where I live. I began suppressing the anger more and more.
I needed a new release, a physical release. I had read or heard somewhere about an older lady who felt anger when her husband died. I remembered what she did, so I too, decided to try it. I went to the local Goodwill store and bought as much of the inexpensive glassware I could carry.
I then told my boss what I wanted to do and she okayed it. The glassware stays in the trunk of my car. When I feel the need and I have the opportunity, I drive to work when no one is there. I pull up to the dumpster, retrieve the glass from my trunk and start throwing the glass in the dumpster. I throw with all my might. When the glass shatters inside the dumpster, it’s like a release for me. It helps me with the anger.
A third way I’ve released anger is to write. I write letters, never sending them, to anyone or anything that angers me. Sometimes, just getting the thoughts out of my mind and onto paper, is all it takes. I’ve written several letters. I re-read them sometimes, I throw them away sometimes. I can always write more letters.
Anger is an overwhelming emotion, especially to those of us who had rarely really experienced anger. Not at this level. My anger comes and goes. Since my sister’s murder, I experience anger on different levels, at different times.
I feel anger that it happened to my sister. I feel anger that she died in such a tragic way. I feel anger that she died in terror and fear. I feel anger at the choice that one human being made to end another human being’s life. I feel angry at the justice system. I still at times feel anger at our higher being.
Anger is okay. It is perfectly normal to feel anger. It’s even better when you find ways to release the anger. I suppose I’ll be tossing glass in dumpsters and writing letters for a long time to come. It’s okay, I’m normal.
Shirley Wiles-Dickinson 2011
Tags: anger
Shirley, I’m so sorry that your sister was taken from you, and in such a brutal and unspeakable way. Bless you for having the courage to acknowledge your anger, and thank you so much for providing some very useful and specific suggestions for releasing its energy. ♥
Thank you, Marty.
Another release for me is walking. With spring just around the corner, I look forward to taking my daily walks with my dog. I love watching the earth ‘wake up’ from the sleepy winter. I get such a sense of rebirth every spring. I’m glad you find the suggestions useful. I know they’ve helped me immensely.
I am sorry for the passing of your sister. Mine, too, passed away on Novermber 17, 2011. She was only 55 yrs old. She died of pancreatic cancer. I am so angry right now that I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m her older brother and I thought I was the next to leave this Earth..not her! Your couselor was correct in giving you that advice of not crossing the line. So, what is there left to do? Maybe build something and keep my mind occupied. Work seems to be a ‘saving grace” from most people as I had spoken to a few in our situation. Be well.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I also want to thank you for this article. I needed it, and I’m so glad I found it. I lost my husband 3 years ago. I’ve been to support groups and I’ve read books. However; over this span of time I’ve come to realize that I just don’t have the patience for certain things anymore. For example; A friend of mine came up with several silly excuses as to why she couldn’t call me to discuss our mutual friend’s condition after I had visited her in the hospital.
This friend of ours just lost both legs to diabetes. I really didn’t feel comfortable discussing this over a messaging app on Facebook. Why couldn’t this woman take just five minutes out of her day to call me!
This is the sort of stuff that makes me want to break plates.
I haven’t crossed any lines, but I think I’ll hang a sign up in my apartment, because frankly I’m beginning to get discouraged. My husband’s been gone for awhile now, and I feel like I should have a handle on certain things by now, but I have to say, people’s utter nonsense is not one of them. Great article- thank you!
I feel the same way hurt and angry my sister just passed away a week ago and I don’t know how to deal with her loss all I want to do is cry scream and go to sleep
Thank you Shirley for this article. I have experienced loss of a very special dog that I rescued only 2 1/2 yrs ago and for me, with no children, she was like a child of mine. She weighed 2.3 lbs and she was very defensive when I got her. Her teeth were rotting out of her head and she didn’t like anyone! She feared everything because I believe she was in regular pain and no one took the kind of care and time she needed. Now I realize loss of a dog, in most people’s mind, isn’t at all comparable to loss of a husband; however the loss and anger I feel must put in this loss for me in a close comparison because I just can’t get past it and the sadness and disappointment I feel is sometimes unbearable. I am anger at work, at home, with my partner, with my boss, with my co-workers…I don’t truly like myself right now but at least I’m aware and trying to adjust and this article is helpful in realizing I’m not alone and there are ways to let out this anger without crossing that line. Thank you very much!