Self-Punishment During Grief
A behavior that may accompany guilt is self-punishment. This often comes from the grieving person’s need to somehow “balance the scale” of life events.
When we were children, we often received some form of punishment for our misbehavior. This may be one of the ways that children form their conscience. So, even as adults, when we find ourselves in a guilt-producing situation, we may feel a need to receive punishment. We might exhibit some of the following behaviors:
- Saying negative things to ourselves
- Replaying the perceived mistake(s)
- Depriving ourselves of something.
However, some people feel the need to hurt themselves in significant ways:
- Inflicting some form of bodily pain
- Not eating
- Overeating
- Purposeful public embarrassment
- Failing to engage in self-care, (e.g., personal hygiene, taking prescribed meds)
- Cutting on themselves
- Permitting themselves to fall into harm’s way, e.g., reckless driving, not tending to a medical condition
- Getting in a fight in which they know they will be hurt
- Abusing alcohol and/or drugs
- Any form of self-destructive behavior
- Self-isolating
- Suicide attempt
Such self-punishment is among the most disruptive for people in the midst of grief. They are related to two of Esser’s five possible reactions to guilt: resignation and repentance. In an attempt to “even the score” these individuals believe it necessary to continue their self-destructive behaviors. It can be very difficult to talk an individual out of such behaviors, especially when a person is considering suicide.
However, there is hope. A caring person can be a good listener and help the person get assistance in the form of a support group or counseling.
Excerpted from Understanding Guilt During Bereavement: Bob Baugher, Ph.D., Kris Baugher: 9780963597519: Amazon.com: Books.
Learn more about Bob Baugher at www.bobbaugher.com.
Read more from Bob on Open to Hope: Feeling Guilty after a Suicide – Open to Hope
