By Cathi Lammert —

Often times, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are two of the most difficult days for bereaved parents. Some have told me that these days are so painful that they are not able to even acknowledge them for their own mom or dad, and they celebrate with their parents on a different day. Over the years, parents have looked at me with tear-filled eyes and asked me, “Am I really a parent if my baby is not here with me?”

The answer, of course, is yes. I equate parenthood with love, the greatest kind of love. Does love stop when a baby dies? Of course not! You will always be your child/ren’s parent. No one can take this role away from you. You may question whether you want to celebrate or be remembered on these days, but a parent’s love needs to be acknowledged and celebrated.

If you can’t imagine joining the rest of the world in the typical activities of celebration, do something different or not at all. But also know, that even without your precious baby in your arms, you are parents and parenthood can be celebrated as you choose. Whatever you choose to do on these days, know that it is okay if it feels right to you.

The following suggestions are some ways to celebrate your parenthood on these difficult days:

• Acknowledge that you are parents.
• Be gentle with yourselves. Do only what you can handle. Acknowledge that this day could be difficult, and determine how you can comfortably spend the day.
• Alert yourself to the most difficult challenges of the day, such as attention given to moms and dads at church. Some parents have talked to their clergy about the importance of recognizing all parents at these celebrations.
• Family gatherings may make you feel uncomfortable. Discuss this with your family and let them know that you appreciate their love and support, but that you may not be able to attend or manage your composure throughout the entire day. Assure them that these feelings will not last forever.
• Plan ahead. Waiting until the last minute can cause frustration and hurt feelings.
• Share with family and friends how they can help make your day a special one. Sometimes they need specific suggestions, such as sending you a card, flowers, or a donation to Share or another
  favorite charity in your baby’s name.
• Treat yourselves to a special gift, an outing, or flowers. Send each other cards for these special days.
• Remember your baby by lighting a candle, placing a rose on the alter or dinner table, or planting a tree or bush.

It is important to tell others what you need. Do not assume that everyone will be aware of how you are feeling on these days. Being aware in advance that certain situations may be difficult, such as family gatherings or church services, allows you the opportunity to plan accordingly. If you’ve been asked to do something that makes you uncomfortable, listen to your heart. For some, spending the day in bed with the covers pulled up, or on the couch watching movies, might be the right thing.

Be sensitive to your own feelings and needs, and above all, know that you are parents.

Cathi Lammert, R.N.- Executive Director of the National Office of SHARE Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support, Inc. www.nationalshare.org. As a bereaved parent, Cathi combines her personal experience with her education and professional background as an obstetrical nurse. Her son, Christopher Michael lived just 4 days and died due to Hydrops Fetalis, a complication of Rh sensitization. She and her husband Chuck have been involved with Share since 1983, shortly after Christopher’s death. Their work began as Share group facilitators for the first group in St. Louis. Cathi became the executive director of National Share in 1992. For more information, you can e-mail Cathi at: clammert@nationalshare.org