Telling Young Children of a Suicide

Parents are often understandably concerned about how the harsh fact of a suicide in the family, particularly of a parent, will affect their children. They may wonder whether telling their children–particularly young children–the truth about the death will cause more harm than good. And if they do decide to tell their children the truth, they struggle to find the words to explain what they find very hard to understand themselves – “Why did this person take their life?”

It is important to know something about the developmental processes that children experience as they grow and about how children experience the loss of a parent, sibling, or friend. Children can only grieve at their own level of maturity, so what is normal for a child at one age may not be so normal for a child who is older or younger. And of course, like adults, each child is going to be unique in how they understand death and how they cope with a significant loss.

How Young Children Understand Death

Depending on their age and maturity level, young children (up to ages 5 or 6) may have difficulty understanding what death means. Young children usually do not understand that death is a permanent, irreversible condition, and that the loved one’s body has stopped working completely. They also have difficulty understanding that death is something that happens to everyone (and every living thing).

For example, they may ask why the loved one cannot come back to life. Or they may worry about how the deceased will find food or water. Young children are likely to be less concerned with the fact that the death was a suicide, and more with the fact that the person has “disappeared”.

For young children, the death (particularly of a parent) is a serious threat to their sense of security and safety in the world. Thus, children who encounter the death of a parent are very likely to worry that their other parent may suddenly leave them as well.

Honest Answers to Questions

To be of help to a young child, you must be patient with your children’s questions, since they reflect a developmental inability to grasp the meaning of biological death. Try to give simple, honest answers to the questions, and take your lead from their responses. Expect that your young children will need to keep returning to the death, sometimes repeatedly asking the same questions or making the same comments.

Children do mourn, but they will typically show their grief differently than adults. These ways reflect the level at which your child is presently able to come to terms with the death. Their understanding will change as they develop through the years.

We also want to address again the important question of whether to tell your children the truth about the circumstances of the death. In an attempt to protect children, well-meaning adults may consider hiding the fact that the death was a suicide or the method by which it was carried out.

But even if children do not know the facts of a situation, they are usually keenly aware of the emotional responses of the adults around them. They know something very upsetting has happened, and without knowing the facts, they tend to construct their own (often incorrect) explanation, sometimes attributing the death to something they did or did not do.

When Suicide is the Cause of Death

Maintaining silence or lying about the cause of death teaches children that some things are so awful they just cannot be talked about. At times, you may feel this way yourself about the suicide. But silence and deception leave children feeling alone, confused, and too ashamed or frightened to talk about what is on their mind.

It also creates psychological turmoil for the child as they attempt to reconcile their feelings (“something is very wrong”) with the words that are being said to them (“it’s not that bad”). There is enough pain for everyone in your family right now, and communicating honestly about the suicide allows family members — including children — to be part of the mutual support that family members can give to one another.

The Child Will Find Out Eventually

Finally, it is worth repeating that eventually your child is likely to figure out that the death was a suicide or else hear it from someone else. When children or adults discover months or years later that a death was a suicide, they then have the additional distress of realizing that they have not been told the truth – which can feel like a betrayal and a good reason to mistrust other information they have been given by adults.

For this reason, it is almost always better for a child to learn the truth about the death from you than from someone else. You can decide how many of the details to divulge by gauging your child’s reactions and listening to the questions he or she asks. Most child therapists agree that it is important for a child to understand that the individual died through suicide. Your child can make better sense of this brutal fact with the help of a trusted adult.

Excerpted from After Suicide Loss: Coping with Your Grief: Bob Baugher, Jack Jordan: 9780963597557: Amazon.com: Books

Learn more about Bob Baugher at www.bobbaugher.com.

Read more from Bob on Open to Hope: Helping Children After Mass Tragedies – Open to Hope