Dreading the upcoming holidays? If you’ve recently lost your spouse, the coming festivities can feel as unwelcome as Marley’s Ghost. Here are some tried and true strategies for facing the holiday season:
1) Think ahead and try to anticipate how you’ll feel on each holiday.
2) Even if you don’t join in the festivities, don’t remain alone all day. Spend some time with a friend.
3) Considering your loss, don’t expect yourself to be as upbeat as usual. Expect some sadness as you take part in the festivities.
4) To lessen the chance of emotional “sneak attacks,” make some time to grieve, either on the holiday or just before it.
5) If you do choose to join in holiday activities, make some changes as to how much you do or become involved in.
6) Contact the host or hostess before the get-together and let them know that you aren’t feeling like your usual self and may need to leave early.
7) Give yourself the first 30 minutes after you arrive to adjust to a gathering where your spouse is no longer with you.
8) Take your own car or alert a friend who is driving that you may want to leave early.
9) If you start to feel overwhelmed, retreat to the bathroom or take a short walk for some private time.
10)If you choose to avoid the usual gatherings, consider volunteering to serve meals at shelters, visiting shut-ins, or spending the day at a movie or health spa.
Remember: You will get through this time. We’ve found that the anticipation is usually much worse than the actual events. Be sure to plan ahead and do only what is most comfortable for you.
Tags: grief, hope
Thank you for this advice. My husband has been gone for only a month and one day. During Thanksgiving I stayed in bed and never answered the phone. Now I am lost. I have no idea where to go from here.
I also lost my husband a month ago, November 8, one day before my birthday; we were married 28 years; I don’t know how long will take me to understand that what happened is real. At this time I can’t go to the places we used to go; theater, restaurants, some stores
(he was sick for 4 years -a stroke- but he was able to enjoy this places) I have all his clothes, books etc in the same place; (he was during the last 4 months in hospitals and rehab centers) during the day I feel better even so i am by myself i talk to him like if he was with me; when i wake up is really hard and at night too; i need to sleep with a family member. I know healing will take time
Christmas, New Year, wedding anniversary, Valentine, father’s day
(with our kids) his birthday, my birthday, our kids birthdays. Yesterday was my son graduation day; I was able to attend; also i put all Christmas decoration same way as when he was with us; it was ok; i didn’t cry. I try to remember all good moments; sometimes i cry; sometimes i laugh; i write a little note to him everyday; later on i am planning a few projects with his collections; but the true is that only in God i find peace; He will help us and will show us the way to heal and continue with our lives. Mari
Dear Mari,
We can understand what a struggle it can be just to get through each day when a loss is still so recent. Even when a loss is anticipated, it can still blindside us when it actually happens. One of the sayings we use in our book is: Your limitations in coping are temporary. With time, you’ll get better. We also say: It does get better. The pain will soften with time.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience.
Our thoughts are with you.
Ruth and Laurie
Dear Alanna,
Our thoughts are with you.
We can certainly understand how frightening and uncertain things must seem right now. It’s not uncommon at this point after a death for the reality of your loss to really hit home and the pain to intensify. The added pressures to be upbeat during the holiday season can add to the distress you’re feeling. Keep in mind that with time, the pain of grief will soften
We hope you’re able to find support for yourself. Please take care.
Thanks for your comment.
Ruth & Laurie
I lost my husband to cancer the week of Christmas 2008 and my father Easter 2009. Both from incurable cancers. My husband and I were only married 6 years. My second and clearly happiest marriage. We were so in love and best friends. We have 2 young children together. My brother died Sept. 11, 2009 in his sleep from an apparent heart defect no one knew he had. He left behind a wife and 4 children. And my beloved godmother/aunt also died from a heart attack. I have lost my 3 most important men in my life in 9 months and a wonderful guiding light of my life in my aunt. She was always there in the good times and the tough times.
I have grieving all mixed up for all of these people. I feel like I have not even touched into the real grief of my father and brother because I have been so deeply feeling the lost of my husband. And I feel that some people don’t understand how much I am still hurting. I get through my days and be strong and loving for our children. But things are not easy.
Dear Judy,
Thank you for your very touching comments.
We can certainly understand how overwhelming it must be to have experienced so many major losses in such a short period.
As we say in our book, “If you’ve experienced other losses within the past few years, it’s important to give yourself more time to go through the mourning process. Sometimes another death occurs before you’ve had enough time to grieve the earlier loss adequately. You may feel overwhelmed. Give yourself permission to take your time.”
Please take your time, take care of yourself and keep us posted.
Laurie and Ruth