When you suddenly find yourself without your life partner, you don’t know what to expect. Your world’s been turned upside down. Like the mighty oak caught in a fierce wind, you feel uprooted. Your feet don’t touch the ground. You think you’re crazy. But you’re not. You’re just a new widow. Your husband is dead and your life is forever changed.
Learning to expect the unexpected will help you get through this most painful time in your life. Here are 10 things you need to know if you are to survive.
1. Expect people to say stupid things. “Don’t worry, you’re young, you’ll meet someone new.” No matter your age, this will sting like a hot iron on raw flesh. Your mind is on your husband and preserving His memory. The thought of another man in your life too soon after His death may cause you additional pain.
“I’m sorry for your loss.” If there is a “loss”? This makes you wonder where is found? For the new widow, there is no found.
“He would want you to find a new man.” Hmmm… On this one, this writer takes umbrage. Nobody can tell you what He wanted, except you, nor, should they.
“I understand. I’m divorced.” Not. Divorce is different than death. Though a divorced individual may wish her ex to not be here, it just isn’t the same thing. While divorce can be painful, and having experienced one personally, the death of a soul mate is different, as this writer will attest, there is no connection.
2. Expect to be asked out–by your best friend’s husband.
3. Expect to be asked, “Do you masturbate?” by your best friend.
4. Expect to break down in tears when you least expect it–at the sound of the doorbell, at the sound of the telephone, at the sight of a couple walking hand in hand. All too soon the reality of being without Him sets in and it will take time for you to let go of your past. But you will.
5. Expect to begin each day wondering how you made it though the day before. And end it thinking you just can’t do it any more.
6. Expect to feel weak, strong, suicidal, angry, happy, euphoric, glad, sad, guilty, alone, lonely, trapped, free, tired, bored, overworked, overwhelmed, silly, puzzled, like you don’t belong.
Why not? You have just experienced life at its worst. I’m here to tell you, everything will be okay. Think baby steps. Think, I can and think, I will.
7. Expect all your friends to run away. They’re frightened, too. And they just don’t know how to handle your grief. Seeing you dealing with the death of someone near and dear is just too close for comfort.
8. Expect all your friends to come back. Give them time. The real ones do.
9. Expect to find yourself standing in front of an open refrigerator at 3:00 in the morning studying the expiration date on a bottle of ketchup. Give yourself permission to process your grief any way you need to.
10. Expect to laugh when the dog pees on the living room rug, when the garage door falls off its hinges, when the refrigerator makes a puddle on the kitchen floor, and when the woman next door goes out on a date–with the woman down the street. Your life is forever changed and so is your outlook. In the big picture, these things become miniscule.
11. Expect to wish you were dead.
12. Expect to blame yourself for His death.
13. Expect to ask yourself questions that have no answers. What if? Why me? Why couldn’t I have died first?
14. Expect to make plans to run away.
15. Expect to cancel them, because you realize there is no place to run away to.
16. Expect to kiss a fool.
17. Expect to feel like you cheated. You didn’t.
18. Expect to wish for a giant eraser to erase away all the pain.
19. Expect the pain to never end. It won’t. But in time you will learn how to manage it. I promise.
20. Expect to smile when you feel like crying.
21. Expect to not sleep.
22. Expect to not focus.
23. Expect to not eat. In the beginning you won’t be able to enjoy food. But it is important to drink plenty of fluids. If nothing else, drink water to keep your kidneys flush.
24. Expect to eat too much.
25. Expect to not be in the mood for all the things you once were in the mood for. Imagine. This writer didn’t want to eat chocolate!
26. Expect the sun to come out tomorrow, the daffodils to sprout in spring, every bird on the planet to sing, every oak, elm, and cottonwood to shed its leaves in autumn, the moon to glow, the stars to twinkle, the earth to spin on its axis, and then to wonder why.
27. Expect no one to understand. Though they say, “I understand.” They can’t. They don’t. They never will. Not even another widow. Grief is personal. It’s just like a thumb print, no two alike. Expect to make mistakes.
28. Expect to forgive yourself.
Okay. That’s it. And now I know what you’re thinking – She’s listed more than ten things.
But to make it through your grief, it’s important to realize you are not alone. What you are feeling is normal. Being informed is being prepared. It will help you survive.
Expect the unexpected.
And, like the mighty oak caught in a fierce storm bending in the wind to keep from being uprooted, you will learn to accept your plight. You will learn to remain grounded, and eventually you will be able to turn your upside down world right side up again.
Linda Della Donna is a freelance writer and graduate of the Institute of Children’s Literature. She writes for children, parents, adults, and widows. A student of Natalie Goldberg, author of “Writing Down the Bones,” Linda writes the tough stuff–cancer, dying, death–and she writes it from the heart. In 1986, Linda entered a writing contest with The Reporter Dispatch. Based on a childhood memory, her short story, “The Year That Christmas Waited” took first prize–she’s been writing ever since.
To learn more about Linda and her writing passion, visit her website, http://www.littleredmailbox.com and her blog, http://griefcase.blogspot.com
Linda wants new widows to know one thing: We’re not alone.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Linda_Della_Donna
Thank you for publishing my free ezinearticle.
I wish you good luck with your site. It’s wonderful. I also do interviews and would love the opportunity to interview you.
Linda Della Donna
Freelance Writer
http://www.griefcase.blogspot.com
I just read The Ten Things. I just lost my husband March 2, 2008 very unexpectadly. After reading this I realized that I’m normal and not crazy. Thank you.
I lost my husband as well – almost 4 years ago. I still feel like this sometimes. It never really goes away, but at least I know I am not crazy.
Death can be unexpected even though sometimes predicated – it is usually never discussed – like AIDS -(everyone seems to run away from conversations !!) – most friends don’t like to ask- or talk about the how or the why etc -they talk about the now~~ life must go on for all!
There is NO real formula for coping – life is far too complex -the answer maybe is to take one day at a time! ( and listen to your own inner self). There are no solutions !!
BD
Just new to this – I am also a writer/ex journalist and lost my husband 22 months ago. Started the above blog lately and find it helpful to force myself to write and to relive things. His death was in a foreign country, unexpected and six weeks of hell. I find it amazing now to discover this whole world of widows airing their grief and yes, your Things Widows Should Know to Survive are all true and typical barring the one about friends’ husbands coming on to you which has not, thankfully, happened to me.
Please have a look at my butterfly blog
V
Thank you! You’ve done a great and wonderful service for all the new members to this club of ours. We are not willing members but we are welcomed by women such as yourself by the gift of your wisdom and words. My beloved husband passed from this world on December 5, 2005 and each day is a constant reminder of how wonderful life was with him. He left me wanting more. Each item on your list is true. I wish I could dispute them. I wish I didn’t know them to be true. But I do and that simply means that life is in session. Blessings to you and all of my fellow members…
I just loss my husband on 2/23/09. He passed away at the airport before taking the trip to the east coast for the new job training. That was his first day of the new job since he was laid off las Christmas. He will be 40 this month and we have two twin girls. They will be 1 this month as well. I don’t know what to do when I am alone. Everything seems so unreal. His mom blames everything on me. That adds more pains. I miss him terriblely. He was my everything. I know I have to be storng but this is really hard to take. My babies are so young. They will never see him again and probably don’t remember him anymore. He was healthy. They couldn’t find the cause of the death so it makes me more anger and sad. After I read your article, I realize I am not alone and crazy. Thank you.
I know everyone has to go, but it is very unfair when it is unexpected. I lost my lover, mate, carer, companion, soul mate, adviser, helper, friend, colleague and much more called husband who was also the father of our two young sons. We lived together exactly 33 and a half years. I had no warning what so ever. We were at the hospital to sort out my broken hip and he just collapsed and left this world in a hurry.
What am I to think? You say “you are not alone”. That is not true, I m alone. I am the loneliest person on earth. This might be because I am getting rid of my friends fast. They see me so devastated and run a mile. They think I should just switch everything off and be happy. They think, as it is now just over 11 months, I should be ok and take my black off. The worst thing is that it is our New Year now. I hate it when they do not know me enough and wish me Happy New Year. How dare they? I know I sound stupid and selfish. However, is this not part of being grieved? I do not want to bring excuses, but people tend to forget that you are individual and life is very hard when you lose all you had. My husband was absolutely everything to me. We were inseparable. We were always laughing. We were very happy together and did everything together. We had no space for ourselves and we liked it that way. Now I feel very empty. I do not cry in front of our sons, but they know how I feel. When they are not about,I just scream and call him. I really expect him to be back at some point. Does anyone know if it is possible to see him even for a second? Come on we are human. We are clever, we send rockets to the moon, can we not manage to see our loved ones back for a bit? Sometimes, I feel like to remove all the dust from him and take him out of the box. I want to take him home and keep him in my bedroom, where I can see him, hug him and kiss him. I do not mind if he has been discolored. I do not mind if he smells. Whatever it is, I still love him and want him back. Can you help me please? Thank you.
Thankyou.
Thank you for your website. I finally have logged onto the web and started to search for help. I have read every grief book out there and not one has been able to help me. I became a widow on April 14, 2009 at 8:45pm. I am 40 years old and have two teenage boys. I have heard it all, from “at least your kids are almost grown up” to “you are young enough” or “you look more pretty today” The death happened in front of our house with my youngest son and I to witness my husband of 20 years get hit and killed by a car…then have the car keep driving away. We were left in the street with his blood all over me crying for help. I am not sure what is worse, being a new widow, dealing with the traumatic stress and shock or the courts and the laws that protect the defendant. I have been through it all and wonder when I will be able to live again.
This site seems to be the only one that hits home and I can relate with on just one fragment of my pain.
Thank you – knowing all of this still does not take away the pain or loneliness – it certainly helps to rationalise it and comprehend the reactions of friends and family . Time now passes so slowly and the purpose of all we had together has turned to dust and I no longer feel special like I was to him – no-one cares if I am having a good day or bad day – I think this may be hell.
When you have lost someone you loved so much, it is the closest thing that I can imagine to hell on earth. I lost my beautiful husband on 22 June 2008 to suicide and was left with 3 children under 12. Nobody understands the pain you feel and cannot even begin to imagine when you have lost your soulmate. You question everything and why God only takes the best. I found that I have had to dig deep spiritually to carry on without my husband for the sake of our children. Now I no longer believe in coincidences and see these as gifts from our beloved ones in the spiritual realms. Our lives will never be the same and we have to learn minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day to get through our lives without the ones we love. All the more difficult when this person has been the most important person in your life – God bless all widows and their children
I am also a new widow. My husband died on May 13, 2009. At least that is the date on his death certificate. He actually died about 11 pm on May 12th. I don’t know if it is any easier to have had the chance to “prepare” for his death or not….really how does one prepare for the death of your soul mate? I love the things that were said about what to expect as a new widow…I have experienced many of them already. I have tried to do things for myself to be healthy but find myself stalled in the process. I want to scream everyday ” I’m only 43 and I am too young to be a widow!” How do I go on? How do I survive? I losty 3/4 of our income when he died. How am I going to pay the rent? Why do I care to keep living? Then I remember that I need to keep living for him, for my kids and grandkids. I need to live for myself and to become a strong and self-reliant person. His birthday was on June 8th and I bought a cake for him and shared it with everyone at work. Our anniversary was July 6th, and I didn’t buy a cake but bit someone’s head off at work….What will I do tomorrow? BIte someone’s head off? Laugh? Ride my motorcycle? RIde his Harley? Finish my homework for college that I am putting off writing this post?
To Marian- of all the posts I’ve read, you are the one I most relate to – I also think I must be in hell- there seems no purpose in getting up in the morning- I am almost paralyzed – there is one thing that overwhelms me at times not on the “10 things” list above… the ANGER I feel. I just do not understand why my love had to leave me??? And he was killed on his motorcycle a few blocks from where I work – I am haunted by the horror of knowing that he laid dying, face down in the street, and I didn’t know a thing. Why couldn’t I have at least been able to be with him to hold him and tell him how much I love him???? He was taken away in an ambulance and then I got the call- he died on the way to the hospital and all I could do was to cry and kiss and talk to his lifeless body on a gurney. I am so angry that there are horrible, rotten people in the world and they seem to live forever and be happy. But the love of my life was gone after only 5 years! Other couples celebrate their 20, 30 , 40 years together- I bought a cake and champagne and “celebrated” our 5th year anniversary in our backyard by myself.
It is not fair and I don’t care right now how selfish I sound – I just want him to come back.
This list was able to communicate exacty what I have been feeling these past 5 months as a widow. I very much believe that the grieving process is uniquely individual, but at times undoubtedly universal. I lost my beautiful husband on March 20, 2009 to cancer (Why do others in my life so easily forget this date? Should’nt it be as ingrained in their minds as well. What’s wrong with people? ) I miss him so much at times that it physically, painfully hurts. Yes, I wonder how long I can possibly function this way. How long does this go on.(When grieving, time can be your best friend, or your worst enemy.) Am I losing my mind? This list helped to affirm that we are not alone in all of this.
And it even let me laugh,which felt good, if not only for a moment.
My life is similar to Len S. On April 18, 2009 at 1:49 on a beautiful spring day I lost my husband as he was riding his Harley with 6 of his friends. A 32 y.o. man addicted to pain killers crossed the center line killing my husband of 37 years instantly, killing his friend that was riding behind him and injured for a life the man riding behind him. He lost his leg and is now in a wheel chair. Chuck was 59, my best friend, the love of my life, the father of our 2 children, the grandfather of our grandchildren and 2 weeks after his death we learned he would be a great grandfather in Dec 2009. To complicate the events of our life Chuck had completed his last radiation treatment n 02.26.09 after living through many chemo treatments, stem cell transplant and 30 radiation treatments. He was finally strong enough to ride his Harley with his friends that day. I never work on Saturdays but that day I did or I would have been with him. I am in the medical field so I took excellent care of my baby for nearly two years and the thought of him dying along being thrown 68 feet and ending up face down in a ditch absoutely haunts me every day. I wish I would have been there to hold him and to let him die knowing I was there. I am sick with grief and just now able to look to the internet for help. I go through each day thinking I will get through this day and then what??? I hope these ten steps will help. People think I should have been prepared because he had cancer but I was not. He finished his treatment so we were ready to spend at least another 5 years together. Everyday I wish I could have him back. We were going to grow old together. I try to stay strong for my family but it is tough. Songs, places, friends everything reminds me of him. I am glad I am not crazy because some days I feel that way. thanks for listening.
Regretfully, I have been a member of this club since August 22, 2008. My husband came home on 8/21, mowed the lawn, took a shower, ate dinner, and had a massive heart attack. I was outside with the dogs and came in and found him in the bed. When I heard and saw his symptoms I called 911. They came quickly, got in the bed with him, told me he had 100% blockage. He had to get out of the bed to get on the gurney (the gurney would not come into our bedroom). He looked at me and said “I love you” as he walked to the gurney. What a gift I had! Melt I did – him always thinking of me as he is suffering. He began vomiting and the realization hit me like a ton of bricks … my sweet husband is having a heart attack. They tried real hard – but he left this Earth after midnight. I still can’t look at an ambulance. I cry easily, I hate waking up, I miss him so bad and am at times angry at him that he didn’t take better care of himself. I find myself removing myself from others and wish he would come back. I have to sometimes say out loud – my husband is dead. It is unbelieveable that he left me after 19 years. I agree with Marian, this is our Hell on Earth and my number one question is why are there so many bad, rude, and unconsiderate and arrogant people still walking this planet and my husband isn’t? Thank you for this website – I need to get this out. I read an ebook this weekend by Aurora Winter. Please look her up and download the book – it is free. It helped me and is helping me to realize I am not crazy. And yes – others do think you are crazy because they don’t understand how absolutely destroyed you are. I pray that it never happens to them, and I shared those exact words to one of those arrogant people just recently in hopes that he takes others feelings into consideration. Thanks for listening.
Hello, my name is Jasmin and on August 17,2009 my husband called me from his cell phone from his work site told me he loved me and then dropped dead right there. He died of a massive heart attack, he was 30 years old. We have two children together a 12 year old boy and a 6 year old girl we have been together since we were 15 years old. I can’t breath without him and I miss him so much. I didn’t go home for the first two weeks everything smelled like him finally this past Monday the kids and I decided it was time to go back home. Yesterday was my daughter and sons first day of school and my daughter got to her classroom ran back out and cried saying how much she missed her Papi… I try to keep busy and I try to keep going and I thank God everyday that I have those two kids I don’t think I could get up in the morning, I hate to hear people ask how are you because I want to tell them that I am awful I am not looking foward to Christmas, new years or any holiday I dont go back to work for a couple more weeks.. so my daily routine is taking the kids to school and then going to his grave and sitting with him for hours in the early morning, the day he died he woke up that morning got ready for his new job he was so excited, he ran out the door opened the door back up ran all the way up to our bedroom and said Jazz I just want you to know how much I love you and gave me a hug , he then looked at the kids rooms who were sound asleep and said to me Jazz make sure you tell the kids I love them I in a rush that Monday morning said sure I will promise.. at 10:30 that morning I texted his cell phone and told him that I just wanted him to no that I loved him.. at 11:30 he called me and told me the same and then died .. he died in room 8 at Parkridge Hospital they worked on him for 55 minutes because he was so young and fit I sat outside the room rocking back and forth,,, I knew my soulmate had left me he said he never would he took my heart with him …. I dont know what I am going to do without him..
I am slowly but surely trying to get on with my life since Roger’s death. I know that nothing will make the feelings you are feeling any better but I wanted to comment about the ones who lost their spouses to motorcycle accidents. While I have no idea what your husbands were like, I can honestly say that my husband would have preferred to die riding his bike than laying in a hospital bed wasting away like he did the last couple of weeks of his life!
Driver’s who don’t see biker’s until it is too late need to wake up and realize that they are killing good people. Biker’s are great people who will stand by you trhough thick and thin. I don’t know what I would have done without my biker friends or my own motorcycle after my husband died. Now I have had a memorial pendant custom made to look like his harley and will some of his ashes in it. Whenever I go for a ride, he will ride with me!
Cherish every moment of your life now, one thing that I have learned is that life is too short andregrets are terrible. I am planning on actually taking vacations now instead of constantly working. I am not going to lie in bed during my last days wishing I had done something that I I put off!
I lost my husband just 3 weeks ago. I cannot still come to terms with myself. I felt guilty because I was not able to accompany him to the comfort room where he died of a massive heart attack. I could have brought him to a better hospital. I could have insisted that he be brought to the intensive care unit. What hurts me most was that we went to the hospital just for a check up. He was relatively healthy since he had been undergoing a health regimen and a healthy lifestyle. Everything seemed ok. It was only the second time that he went to a hospital for the last 29 years of our married life. He went without a warning. Now, I cant sleep straight. I cant eat right. I feel guilty. I am trying to pick up the bits and pieces of our shattered lives. He left me with 3 beautiful kids. They are already in their 20s and I feel that they are also having a difficult time coming to terms with the death of their father. Now, I do not know where to start. Everything is a blur. Please help me cope with my grief.
To those of us in common,
Thank you for your candor, inspiration, despair, support. I am a widow of 10 months. My beloved husband died in March of 2009 of pancreatic cancer. He battled it for the short period of 5 months. How do you pack in a life of love in 5 months? We have 2 teenage children. I miss him so much. I just want to share things with him, talk to him. I am tired of making all the decisions on my own, of trying to think of everything. It is truly overwhelming! My widowed friends say it gets easier, yet the pain never really just goes away. I do day to day things, then cry , then do day to day things. Hopefully it will get better.
My husband Tom of 17 years passed away on December 20, weeks ago. After reading the steps and reading everyone’s post, I see I too am not going crazy. I feel like I’m crying all the time, it’s worse in the car and when I get home to this empty house after work. I’ve heard that you shouldn’t make big decisions, but I am already planning on moving, can’t stay in this house. I am 50 and have already been told your still young. Right now I just want Tom back. I too feel sad, lost, empty and hope one day to be able to smile and start a new chapter in my life.
Thank you for expressing my thoughts and feelings. I have been living the hell the previous writers referred to for the past 2 years on January 19th. My soul mate, reason for living, my rock, my joy, my everything left me on the that morning in 2008. He was so excited about the new snow and wanted to be first on the lift. He died alone but he was doing what he loved. Everything changed that day and nothing will ever be the same. I feel robbed. One of you mentioned how unfair for such a special person to leave this world with so many selfish, arrogant jerks still allowed to live…I can’t answer why. I know my friends and family feel I should be over the worst, but they never had what we had and why it is so hard to go on. I don’t think it ever gets better. I have noticed so many women left in this way and decided it is so many women’s plight . Thank you for helping me know, I am not crazy just so incredibly sad!
I have been crying for 5 years now I function at work & cry all weekend it just don’t seem to get easier & to beat all I am medicated can’t even imagine coping if I weren’t I miss him so.
we’d been together since I was 13 & were married 34 years when the cancer took him he was 52.
I finally ran across a website that relates to what I feel. I lost my husband Oct 17th ,2009 atually the 16th he died appox 11:45pm that fri nite. I was awoke to a phone call @ 2am asking me if I was the wife of a man driving such and such truck. The officer said he had an unresponsive man there with no id. First thing I asked if that is so what hospital is he @? He said oh mam e is not at the hospital he is with the coroner. I screamed at the top of my lungs my husbands DEAD! he said yes mam I am going to put you on with the coroner . I told her shes wrong ,you have the wrong man . I begged for her to tell me here he was and all she said is that I hav to calm down and I have 24 hours to contact a funeral home and I can see him there, Also said I would have to come get his truck or it would b towed.
I was alone (we never had children) in the dark @ 2 am . I colapsed when I tried to make it to the living room to try to call someone to help me. I had the phone in my hand and couldnt find it and when I did realize where it was I forgot to dial and just sreamed NO!NO!NO! my husbands dead! We were hgh scool sweethearts ! been with hin since 14. 22yrs with him . Just celabrated 5 years of marriage 2 weeks prior to the day. He was 40 and died of a triple coronary. Im just now finally coming out of the shock f it all. I started talking to the person who saw him alive last and fell for him instantly. I know now that I was just looking 4 that human comfort. I miss him terribly. We had by no means the perfect relationship but I stood by my man. through thick and thin. started with the other man about 1mth after my husbands death and feltall the guilt and shame and yet kept telling myself how we had just talked about this the week b 4 that if something ever happened to him or me we wanted each other to go no matter how fast and to notsit and pine or morn just knowing that we r watchng over each other . I tried to covince myself that he sent him so that I would b able to cope. It has now been almost 5 mths and still feels as if he is coming back. His family has since disowned me and has tried to steal his cremains from me.everything that has been stated above from the artical to the other widows rings soo true . I really thought I was losing it . The guy I (WAS) seeing is a great guy but in alot of way she doesnt undersand. I went from wife back to wife to keep moving .I treated us as a married couple and not as just knowing each other and kinda dateing. Im 37 now and was 36 when my hubby died and never had been with(sexually) another man, I was faithful to the end and then some. His family tried to say I just hopped right intobed with someone. now that I split from the new guy waking up from the fog and feeling my grief I really thought I had lost all reality. Thanks to knowledgable family and freinds and sites I have found I have finally learned that feeling it is ok ,Im not alone,hes not coming back to tell me I cheated ,its ok to have a messy house sometimes and its ok really ok to b happy .
I lost my husband on Oct 17,2008. We were married 20 years. My husband was 51 when he died. After reading many of your comments, I would just like to say, NO, you’re not crazy, I felt many of those ways for the first 6 months. And some things I still continue to struggle with. I would definitely urge you all, don’t make any major changes until the fog has completely lifted. Major decisions may seem right at the time, but they will bite you in the end. And don’t beat yourself up for making them anyway!!! If you can afford to stay in your home if you have children, do it. Redecorating took away that feeling that I couldn’t bear to be around all the memories. And staying in our home helped my 3 teenage children to feel secure.
Today, someone made the comment to me that I should get remarried. A year ago I would never have even entertained the thought. But today, even though I am not ready to do that, I can see that if God brought someone into my life again, I could see that I might do that. I am just now able to begin a new life as 4 in our family. I don’t wake up with that horrible pit in my stomach anymore. I think about the future of me and the kids. I am able to use all my brain instead of half of it. I am able to receive what is offered in the way of help to fix things around my house, or help with picking up my kids, and even people giving me money for groceries. It is a new life, one I would never have picked, but I trust the Lord and I am relying on Him to bring me through this journey.