Although there are many approaches to grief counseling, most focus directly on the grief we experience over the death of a loved one. But what about the unexplainable, and often embarrassing, grief experienced over the death of someone we never knew? The pop star whose life was unexpectedly ended, the child brutally killed by a pedophile, or the massacre of 13 young men and woman on an army base.
I’m not referring to the normal amount of sadness felt when an great tragedy occurs. But rather that very deep sense of loss that is usually reserved for the death of loved ones.
It may take the form of a fan’s hysterical crying at a memorial service or spontaneous emotional tributes at the site of a traffic accident, or the endless watching on television of the unfolding of something that is unspeakable.
In the deaths of others, we see the vulnerability of our own aspirations and lives. Yes, a person may grieve the death of a pop star because he never reached this full potential, but in his death may see the disintegration of our own aspirations. We grieve the death of a child by a pedophile, not only because it’s an indescribable tragedy, but as parents, it means we realize our own children are also vulnerable. We grieve the loss of the soldiers not just because it was so senseless, but in their deaths we see that our own personal safety may be dependent upon the mental health of people we don’t know.
Grieving for loved ones is expected, natural and the expression of the loss of connection with some who impacted our lives. Grieving for people we don’t know becomes instructive for what we fear the most. The poet Rilke wrote that “our fears are like dragons guarding our deepest treasures.” The next time you feel an unexplainable sense of grief about the death of someone you didn’t know, give voice to that fear and you just might find your deepest treasure.
copyright 2009. Stan Goldberg, stangoldbergwriter.com. This article can be reproduced and distributed without charge for any non-commercial project if the source is provided.
Tags: grief, hope
I am currently following the story of Adrianna Cavanagh. A three year old child who is dying of cancer. I am deeply, deeply devistated and find myself so grief stricken. I don’t understand it. I have been crying constantly and find myself thinking about this poor child and her family every day. My heart is heavy with grief every day. I don’t personally know this child or her family. It seems quite odd to me though that I feel this way. I am looking for a way to deal with this pain. This doesn’t seem normal. However, it feels normal. if you can understand that……
I am 41 yrs old man. From my school days I used to like a classmate of mine. Though I loved her so much it was beyond my scope to express it. I used to love her within my own mind. Ultimately she was married to another person 18 years back and I was married later to a different woman. All went well until 5 years back when her husband died. I was shocked but stayed normal and could not meet her until recently. When I saw her personally, since then a pain started hurting me all the time. This grief is disturbing me in day to day activities. I wanted to speak and meet her regularly but she is not interested . She has children and also I do have. Please advise me how to get out of this grief.
Dear Rebecca and Bharat,
Even though the grief you both experience is different (Rebecca for someone unknown and Bharat for someone unabtainable) there is a similarity.
I believe the grief we feel is often not for a specific person, but rather what that person represents to us. Grieving the death of an unknown person can signal that we fear most in our own lives.
Grieving the loss of a relationship that will never happen can give us insight about our needs.
However, understanding the basis of grief does not automatically relieve it. It’s just the first step. What is critical is to look for those elements inherent in why the loss is so profound.
I’m grieving someone who’s passed almost 10 years now. I didn’t even know the person but somehow my heart refuses to believe that person’s deceased. Reading your response to the others gave me some insight. I see the elements inherent to why the loss is so profound. This is so crazy for me I didn’t want to tell anyone, but maybe this’ll help somehow. Thank you for your help and advice. Looking forward to reading up on your work!!
I’m grieving a father I never knew. I can’t seem to find any writing on that topic. Found through an Ancestry DNA test, I discovered he’s been dead for 28 years after find a 1st cousin on New Years Eve.. I’m struggling to put 2 and 2 together.
Yesterday, a highschool friend of my seventeen year old daughter was killed in a car crash. Although I saw him a lot, I only spoke with him once. His face shone with warmth and kindness and hope and I knew there was something special about him. My daughter told me he talked with her about his troubles, about how he had made bad choices and how he was going to turn his life around. And now he is gone and I am bereft, even though I didn’t know him. I keep seeing his beautiful, smiling face and I feel as if my heart is breaking and I haven’t been able to stop weeping. My daughter doesnt understand how I can be so sad over the death of a child I didn’t know. She isn’t even that upset. That is because teens, by their very nature, are self adsorbed and feel superficially. I don’t know what to do. I feel thus will be with me for a long time.
I’m grieving for the death of James Bulger, which occurred in 1993. He was a toddler who was brutally murdered by two 11 year olds. Reading his story left me angry, shocked and sad. To me, he represents how innocent, trusting, loving and good hearted people are often betrayed. His case is even worse, because at his age he didn’t know about the evils of the world, and that joyfulness, lovingness, trustingness AND helplesness was brutally, cold-bloodedly betrayed. And I think that’s why it hit me so deep, because I’m no stranger to innocence betrayed (although I didn’t suffer nearly as much as he did). His pictures also remind me of my younger brother, when he was a toddler himself, so it augments the connection. To this day I can’t stand helpless people or animals being mistreated and abused, and so when I read or hear about cases such as little James’, I fall into a deep grief even though most of the times I never knew the person. It consumes me for days on end until it eventually goes away.
I am so sad about the death of rapper- Lil peep and its particularly strange to me because I didn’t even know who he was before his death. But i started to listen to his music a lot and grew to love his music and him as a person, he was such a vulnerable sweet person with so much potential gone to waste at the tender age of 21. So every time I remember he is no longer alive on this earth, my heart is heavy with sadness and pain but a sort of muted sadness that doesn’t lead to tears but like a persistent heart ache that grows everyday. I feel kind of stupid for feeling this down over his death but It’s crazy how I care so much for a person and feel so connected to someone who never even knew I existed. I think I am particularly heart broken because he died from taking fentanyl-laced xanax pills and I just feel like his death was so avoidable. If only he didn’t get those particular pills, if only they had discovered he had overdosed sooner, if only he just decided not to take xanax that day, you know..I feel helpless.
I’m currently grieving the death of the young man who was attacked and murdered by the Dominican gang in the Bronx. I didn’t know him but I can cry instantly at the thought of what happened to him and the impact of his murder on his family especially his mother. I know that I am grieving his death the way that I am because my son looks so much like him. My heart breaks, I have trouble sleeping, I can spend hours looking at his regular videos on social media. I have yet to watch the video of incident and don’t think I ever will.
I know why I’m geiving his death even though I didn’t know him but I don’t know how to get through it. It still feels very raw. I have to make an effort to not think about it all day.
Thanks for writing this article for people like me. Since I learned of the death of Kobe Bryant, his daughter and other victims on the helicopter crash, I felt a deep sense of grief based on the tragedy. In fact, for as long as I can remember, I’ve always felt connected to death in the form of someone I know or barely knew. I don’t know why it’s always been this way and some may not comprehend it but it just bothers me. I never watched him playing basketball yet the name held so much influence and power throughout life. I’m still unsure how to process or detach myself from the tragedy, which is why I think that’s the main reason we grieve people we dont know.