Writing has always been very therapeutic for me. I enjoy writing and especially enjoy writing poems. Writing allows me to express my fears, my sadness, my anger and yes, my happiness.
Shortly, after my brother’s death I went in to a deep depression. I was blessed to have received therapy and apply what I had learned in ways that now benefit me. One of the best tools I learned was how to journal.
Writing helps me express my feelings on paper and then later go back and read what I have written. When I feel angry – I will act it out on paper. When I feel sad – I will let my tears drip on the paper. When I feel fear – my words can take up many, many pages, which a day or two later I will re-read and ask myself “Why, was I so afraid?” Most important is that I express my feelings, and no longer keep them bottled inside of me. I learned a long time ago the importance of feeling and expressing those feelings. I learned a long time ago that if I didn’t – I would stay stuck in a very unhealthy world. I learned a long time ago that, that unhealthy world takes a lot out of you and there is so much life to live. God has carried me many times, and I’m sure he’ll continue to pick me up when I need his help, but most important for me is that I will do my best to pick myself up. My writing helps me do just that.
When my mother and father were diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in February, 2006 the roller-coaster of emotions I was dealing with became overwhelming. Because I was their sole caregiver, I kept a journal and wrote in it every chance I could. It kept me focused and grounded. It gave me the permission that I needed to cry, because I knew their outcome would be a certain death. It was very difficult being my parent’s parent. I needed them to hold me when I was sad. It is very painful to lose a parent, before they are actually physically gone. Alzheimer’s disease is a true “living death.” Journaling kept me focused, kept me sane so to speak and also gave me a greater understanding of myself. The two most important things I learned from my parents as we traveled this road together was how to stay strong in faith and never lose compassion for others or myself. I was blessed to have learned from them their wisdom of life and death. I’m grateful God chose me to be their caregiver.
My father passed away October 9, 2007 and my mother November, 14, 2007. Many people have asked me “how have you survived the loss of your father and then your mother 36 days later?” It was very, very painful and there are still those days that I feel the pain. In my previous articles I’ve written about how Grief is an Ongoing Journey. My writing and faith in God helps me get through the tough times.
I believe that with each journey that I have taken in my life – the loss of my brother, the loss of my father and then my mother has better prepared me for what I now face with my husband. Unfortunately, his cancer is so rare not too many oncologists have even heard of it. There isn’t one feeling that I haven’t felt! The old familiar feeling of fear has tried to over power me. Anger has tried its best to strip me of my faith.
But, our Lord keeps handing me the pen and paper……….
God bless you,
Deborah Ann Tornillo
Author “36 Days Apart”
http://www.authorsden.com
