Tools to Ease ‘Catastrophizing’
My husband and I are Digital Nomads who work remotely and travel, and for the most part, it is fun and interesting. In early grief, however, after I lost my 20-year-old son to suicide, I never thought I’d leave my home, much less travel around the world.
Getting out of bed and feeding myself was a major triumph in the months after my loss. Aside from overwhelming grief, I had a sense of dread and foreboding. I was certain I’d lose my husband or another family member next. The world felt unsafe, and my home was the only place where I could control my surroundings. In all of my life nothing had ever caused such crippling fear of living as losing my child.
Catastrophizing Often Follows a Trauma
There is a word for what I experienced: it’s called Catastrophizing. I first heard the term in my online support group, Tender Hearts. The leader, David Kessler, defined it as persistent fear of losing another loved one after a traumatic event. This is especially true when an out-of-order death such as child loss occurs.
We think children are not supposed to die before their parents. When they do, parents feel they are at the mercy of whatever random cruelty life dishes out. It’s a feeling of powerlessness that makes it seem impossible to ever enjoy life again.
My experience with Catastrophizing is that it never fully goes away. Much like my grief, there is an ebb and flow of emotions that are tied to certain life events, whether they’re positive changes like moving to a new place, or painful milestones such as anniversaries and birthdays.
We recently traveled to a new location for work, moving from Costa Rica to Spain. For two months before our move, I had a resurgence of anxiety. I was convinced something tragic was going to happen in our lives. Every time my husband ran an errand, I’d fear he’d have an accident. The thought of getting on a plane or driving a car gave me heart palpitations. The intensity of my anxiety took me by surprise, but it also helped me realize this is a part of grief that may not fully go away, so I need tools to manage my fear.
Tools To Ease Catastrophizing
- Talk about it: I talk about it with friends in my grief community or anyone who can listen without trying to fix me. I feel less alone when others tell me that they also have fears that crop up from time to time.
- I use grounding techniques: When I’m afraid, it’s because I’m projecting into the future. In order to get myself back to the present moment, I look around and name objects around me. Once the focus is away from the frightening thoughts, my anxiety lessens.
- Journaling & Creativity: I paint, weave, and write. These activities soothe my anxiety because of their meditative qualities.
- Movement: Any form of exercise is good for my mental health; it releases endorphins and dopamine and gives me a feeling of well being.
- Exposure: Instead of avoiding activities and places that activate me, I have gradually exposed myself to things that frighten me, like flying, driving, and outdoor activities.
- EMDR & Trauma Informed Therapy: Working with a skilled therapist who has experience in grief and loss has helped me process deep-seeded emotions and past traumas that contribute to my fear.
Honoring Loved One by Living Fully
Fear brought on by grief and trauma can be crippling. Thankfully, the tools I’ve shared allay my anxiety. I will always have some degree of fear, but it doesn’t control me or prevent me from doing the things that make me happy.
I’ve been in Spain for over a week, and I feel as though a great weight has been lifted from me, releasing me to enjoy and explore my new surroundings in a new country.
My son, Josh, took risks and truly enjoyed his life when his mental illness was under control. He was gregarious and had many friends. As I continue healing (which I consider a journey rather than a destination), I’m honoring him when I allow myself to live fully. I’d hate for fear to rob me of the joy I know I deserve, because the greatest lesson I’ve learned from this loss is that fear doesn’t keep me from dying, it keeps me from living.
Read more by Nalda at https://substack.com/@livingagainafterchildloss
