As a bereaved mother who mourned and still mourns the loss of her three-year-old son, Michael, I cringed when I heard former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, make reference to the families of the victims of the terrible shooting in Tucson. She said, off-handedly, “May God turn their mourning into joy.”
In my view, such sentiments, which seem so commonly held in this country, show a complete misunderstanding for both mourning AND joy, and maybe even for God too.
Let’s leave politics aside for the moment, along with my personal feelings about Sarah Palin. I’m sure Ms. Palin meant those words to be comforting to the suffering families, the poor parents of little Christina Green, the parents of Gabe Zimmerman, the three sons and wife of Judge John Roll, and families of Dorothy Murray, Phyllis Schenk, Dorwan Stoddard, not to mention the children and husband of Representative Gabrielle Giffords, and the other injured people.
Yet much like the (to me) deeply offensive and overused word “closure,” these sentiments are a misguided attempt to shrink-wrap and even deny the enormity of losses like this. They imply that grief is an event rather than a lifelong psychological process in which you gradually figure out a way to incorporate your losses into your life and move on from there. There actually is something to be gained from loss, but knowledge of what it is only comes from long suffering and deep searching.
Yes, Ms. Palin is no doubt relating her own and many others’ understanding of God’s goodness, or perhaps talking about joy that one’s loved one is now in Heaven. But consider the implication of the statement. When you’re in pain over the loss of a child, you might hope or even pray that God will take away your pain. But turn it into joy? What God would want to deny the enormity of your loss and the meaning of the life you lost by taking away your authentic emotions and feelings that your loss is real and important, and replacing them with an inauthentic happiness?
Just like those old standby cliches, “Time will heal,” “It’s time to get on with your life,” and “God must have wanted another angel,” such comments as Palin’s have a delegitimizing effect on the griever. They imply that there is something he or she can do that will end or take away grief. They suggest that the pain you are feeling isn’t what you should be feeling and if you would just take this advice you wouldn’t be feeling it.
This is the opposite of what the person who attempts to comfort the bereaved should do. My favorite definition of compassion is a Buddhist one: Compassion is willingness to be close to suffering. This doesn’t means denying, deflecting or babbling your way through it, but sitting with it, no matter how uncomfortable intense emotion makes you feel.
And this means: Be present. Be humble. Observe. Reflect. Allow silence. Don’t judge. Accept. Listen.
Seventeen years the death of my son, my grief is no longer a hissing monster; it’s quiet now. I have found the way to move on and learned the lessons my life has offered. But the idea that I would ever, even now, experience joy in connection with my loss is offensive. While that sort of “feel-good immediately” sentiment is consistent with the increasingly short American attention-span, and might even be popular in this country (at least among those who haven’t suffered major losses), Palin’s words aren’t comforting. In my view, they’re an insult to me, my son, my family, and to all those suffering families in Tucson. Turn mourning into joy?
Do we really want God to transform us into smiling Disney characters?
Fran Dorf 2011
Tags: anger
Thanks for this honest article, Fran. After my daughter died I heard so many cliches I wanted to gag. One of the worst was “When God closes a door he opens a window.” This was meaningless to me. More than three years have passed since my daughter and three other relatives died. Though I wouldn’t use the phrase “turn grief to joy” I can say, much to my surprise, that I have created a new and happy life.
Harriet
Thank you Fran. I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost a son, six years ago. I am just now beginning to feel joy again. It will never be the same kind of joy. When people ask I tell them that I will probably never feel “unadulterated” joy again but I do feel joy. I felt blessed when my surviving son told me recently that seeing me life again gives him a sense of peace. I am very fortunate to have a son still on this earth but one of the worst pieces of advice i had just six months after my other son died was that I “should count my blessings and focus on the good things I still had”. Talk about robbing one of their feelings….
Thank you for this wonderfully insightful article.
So true… About a year or more after my only child,16yr old son was killed in an auto accident, a very close friend of mine said to me that “No one knows what life is going to throw at you, I never knew I’d get a divorce but it happend” I felt so disconnected form her after she said that needless to say our friendship fell apart gradually after that..
Thank you for this article. Recently I lost both my mother and my father in one months time. I had so many people who I am sure meant well make so many placating remarks, such as you should be happy they are together, at that moment I was not happy and I felt that this person wanted me to be happy when all I was capable of at the moment was grief. I think this comes from people who have not suffered great loss. Thanks again for the article.
sarah was thinking she was helping when she should just stay quiet. We heard all kinds of dumb things when we lost our son River to SIDS. We evan had someone say it’s ok they are in a better place. I say There is no better place then in his parents arms & if god needed another angel he could have made his own. Anyway I will say I heard someone say. Take the pain & turn it insideout. I liked that. Not sure about joyad darah put it & that came from a man that lost his son. Thank you for posting.
Actually, my son is in a better place, because he was in such torment from his paranoia. But that does not mean that I felt joy.
Thank you all for your thoughtful comments on my piece about cliches. I just wish that people outside the grief community could learn that cliches aren’t just cliche, they’re hurtful. Best to all, Fran Dorf, http://www.bruisedmuse.com
Thank you for this post. After 20 months since my husband died, people still say “you have to move on” – my internal reply is “no I don’t and you can’t make me”. Re: Tucson, I’ve been particularly upset by news reporters who refer to “signs that the Tucson community is beginning to heal” – but when the reporters leave, the community forgets, and those who have lost loved ones will be left alone with their grief. Those people will not heal after one or two news cycles.
The most helpful thing people can say to me is, “this must be so difficult – tell me about Allen.”
Yes, Diane. It does help when people speak the name of a loved one who is no longer here. Best wishes to you, Fran Dorf
http://www.bruisedmuse.com
Yes, nice article and all so true.
Diane, your comment that people should say, “-tell me about Allen.” Struck me as odd. Not odd in that it’s not a good idea, but odd as in no one has asked me, “Tell me about your son, Joshua.”
Not once has anyone asked me to talk about Joshua. And to be honest, I don’t know if I’ve asked that question to those who’ve lost their loved ones.
Thanks Diane for sharing that bit of wisdom.
Thanks for the comment, Jean. I knew exactly what Diane was talking about. I remember how grateful I was when ANYONE mentioned the name of my son, Michael. Now I guess I’d just be surprised. Best Regards, Fran Dorf, http://www.bruisedmuse.com
And ASK me about Michael. Almost no one ever did that. Except the professionals.
Fran
Well,i have to say,i lost my best friend,my ex husband Richard 2 months ago,he was 40,it was sudden and unexpected. I do know he is at peace now,he was chronically ill and tortured,and my immediate reaction upon hearing of his death was 1) To scream uncontrollably 2) to cry uncontrollably and3) i realized that now,after all those years,he was no longer in any pain. I loved him deeply,he was my friend right till the end,and i’m enormously grateful we loved each other for so long,22 years. I still grieve for him,i will always grieve for him,something has changed in my life,a light has gone out,and i am in the processes of finding a new “normal”.
I do not agree with Sarah Palin’s words,however,i agree the sentiment behind the words was meant in a nice way.
I will say one thing. I never ever want to forget this loss. I may find new joy,but this..grief is for life. His passing will never be forgotten. I will always always love and remember him,and hope when its my time,he will come to meet me. Thankyou for reading this. Peace and love to you all…xxx