The profound impact of pregnancy loss often goes unspoken in society, yet it affects countless families each year. Through the story of Lindsey Henke, a licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist, we gain insight into the complex journey of loss, grief, and healing that follows the death of a baby.
A Life-Changing Moment
In 2012, Lindsey Henke experienced what no expectant parent should ever face. After a seemingly normal 40-week pregnancy with her daughter Nora, she noticed reduced fetal movement the night before her scheduled delivery. Upon arrival at the hospital, Lindsey and her husband received devastating news: their baby had no heartbeat.
The experience transformed from what should have been a joyous celebration into a heart-wrenching farewell. Despite the trauma, Lindsey had to proceed with a vaginal delivery, a medical decision made with future pregnancies in mind. Throughout the 12-hour labor, she held onto a glimmer of hope that the medical equipment had somehow failed, that her daughter might still be alive. “When they put her on my chest, she was beautiful. She was everything we wanted her to be.”
The Reality of Stillbirth
The moments following Nora’s birth were both beautiful and devastating. The family had precious little time with their daughter, as physical changes began to occur. Modern hospitals now utilize “cuddle cots” – cooling devices that allow families more time with their stillborn babies, but this technology wasn’t available during Lindsey’s experience.
The family created lasting memories through photographs taken by Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, a nonprofit organization that provides professional photography services to parents facing infant loss. Family members formed a circle around Lindsey’s hospital bed, each taking turns holding Nora and sharing in both the joy of meeting her and the sorrow of saying goodbye.
Grief and Support
The aftermath of pregnancy loss presents unique challenges:
- Returning to a silent nursery prepared for a baby who will never come home
- Planning a funeral instead of celebrating a birth
- Navigating grief as a couple
- Managing well-intentioned but sometimes hurtful comments from others
Creating Lasting Memories
Lindsey emphasizes the importance of creating tangible memories and establishing rituals to honor lost babies. Some meaningful ways to remember include:
- Creating memory boxes with footprints, clothing, and photographs
- Lighting candles on significant dates
- Maintaining physical spaces or symbols of remembrance
- Donating to causes that help other families
- Sharing stories and pictures with subsequent children
Supporting Others Through Loss
Recognizing the need for specialized support, Lindsey founded Pregnancy After Loss Support, a nonprofit organization providing resources for parents expecting after previous losses. The organization offers an app guiding parents through the emotional journey of subsequent pregnancies, acknowledging that pregnancy after loss requires unique emotional and practical support.
Through her work and personal experience, Lindsey emphasizes that each loss is significant, whether it occurs early in pregnancy or at full term. The grief isn’t measured by the length of the pregnancy but by the hopes and dreams parents create for their child’s future.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: How does grief from pregnancy loss differ from other types of loss?
Pregnancy loss grief is unique because it involves mourning both a physical loss and the loss of future hopes and dreams. Parents grieve not only their baby but also all the milestones and experiences they’ll never share. The grief can be complicated by society’s tendency to minimize these losses or remain silent about them.
Q: What are some ways to support someone who has experienced pregnancy loss?
The best support acknowledges the loss without minimizing it. Avoid phrases starting with “at least” and instead listen, validate their feelings, and remember their baby with them. Practical support like meals, housework help, or simply being present can be invaluable during the grieving process.
Q: How can couples navigate grief together after pregnancy loss?
Each partner may experience grief differently, and that’s normal. Open communication, respecting each other’s grieving styles, and seeking professional support when needed can help couples process their loss together. It’s important to remember that there’s no “right” way to grieve and that partners may need different types of support at different times.
Read more from Gloria Horsley on Open to Hope.
