Valuable Lessons about Holiday Grief

“The joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives.” (Russell M. Nelson)

Holidays were always a Big Deal in our family until the death of my son. They began with family and friends gathering for Halloween costume parties and ended only when the calendar flipped to a new year. The only thing that could make them better was if the next year could be better than the last!

When my son died in 1993, we made a lot of changes to adjust to his absence. However, when my husband died unexpectedly last year, I found myself very confused and very much alone. Even those earlier changes couldn’t bring me the joy I desired to deal with my holiday grief.

In a vulnerable moment recently, I decided to watch a Hallmark movie though I was never a fan. I felt they were too predictable and never aligned with reality. Not everything in life turns out so favorable.

Does Hallmark Offer Lessons about Holiday Grief?

However, I also remembered there were moments within the stories that awakened the spark of joy after disappointment. With this thought in mind, I convinced myself that it might change my perspective about the approaching holidays and eliminate the cloud of grief that still hovered over me.

If you are a follower of Hallmark movies, within the first 20 minutes of the show, you already know how the story line will end with happy ever after. However, the producers weave into the theme little twists that keep you watching who gives in and commits to changing their lifestyle, family relationships, or their life, in general.

The popular themes, of course, are single men or women who find love and or families who reunite after discord, separation, death, or misunderstandings. The story creates that magical kind of world in which adversity, inconveniences, and obstacles collapse, and everything turns out just right.

3 Emotional Challenges for Holiday Grievers

Whether it’s a bereaved person’s first holiday after the loss of a significant loved one or his/her tenth holiday, it will recall moments that once sparkled with much more than glitter, gifts, and twinkling lights. Holidays following the loss of a significant loved one will require some modifications and pivotal decisions. Choose not to be the only decision-maker in your bereaved state even if it is a role you treasured for years. Engage your family and agree on consensual options.

There are three major emotional challenges to consider. So, be prepared.

Celebrating the ‘Way it Was’

Nothing you do can duplicate the way it was before. At the very best, you can incorporate rituals, remembrance moments, and one or two cherished traditions that can span the generations and the ever-changing family situations. Planning requires flexibility, patience, communication.

Families and friends must respect that a griever will be struggling with trying not to disrupt the momentum of practicing past activities. Certain triggers may be surprisingly emotional rather than memorable. It takes time to put the joy back into something so imbedded in tradition. If changing nothing doesn’t give the griever any twinges of disharmony but creates a sense of peaceful familiarity, by all means, just do it!

Asking Grievers to be Joyful

Memories and emotions were sizzling for many weeks. Commercialization, decorations, and parties all shout celebrations. As a griever, silence may be their only escape from their sadness, oblivious to everyone else’s joyful nature. If you are the griever, it’s okay to ask your family to respect your silence not as a reflection of discontent but rather as an internal moment of painful recollection.

Attempting to put on a happy face may be just as counterfeit as wishing everyone the best holiday ever! It’s also perfectly acceptable to feel disconnected, left out, or forgotten. Fragile emotions often can be concealed and tucked away for a good cry when you can grieve alone. Let it be.

Expecting Grievers to be Over it

No matter how much family may want to make the occasion as warm and welcome as it used to be, it probably won’t happen. The first few holidays hold conflicting emotions. Happy memories and sadness can co-exist, but it takes practice. A griever may be anxious to ignore expectations and put the day behind. Inside familiar words of “I just want it to be over with” are on the tip of their tongue.

The griever needs permission to say “no” to some invitations to calm the attention their emotions are demanding. It’s not rejection of the gathering and love their family and friends can offer. It’s more about protecting their own self-care and inner confusion.

Hallmark Movies Teach Valuable Lessons

That brings me back to why would I put myself through the misery of watching a Hallmark movie designed with a perfect ending? The characters predictably obtain their desire for emerging joy. After all, Hallmark stories are fabricated on wishes and fantasy. Initially they challenge our frayed emotions, attack our sense of reality, and create a fairytale about the kind of life you only wish you could have.

However, hidden in the dialogue of classic Hallmark stories, are qualities that teach us something about Values, Love—and Life, the Way It Can Be. These movies remind us of four things:

To Honor Traditions and Memories

Watching scenes of children, sleigh rides, winter events, or the gathering of family for the ceremonial feast rekindle fond memories. There is no better way for a bereaved person to recall with vivid memory similar events and times in their life with their loved ones. Though that may also prompt a teardrop or two, wouldn’t it be a shame if we erased such treasured memories from our hearts and minds and never spoke about them again? Along with the tears, celebrate the beauty of the past, share the stories, and hold them close to your heart. “Memories are our keepsakes, and no one can take them away from us”.

To Prioritize Empathy

In this crazy fast-paced world where careers, wealth, awards, influential relationships etc. are given great priority, grief changes us. Hallmark stories marked with grief demonstrate a shift in priorities. New core values from their experiences take precedence such as Empathy, Perseverance, and Creating a Meaningful Life. Loss causes priorities to recalibrate and reminds us of who and what’s really important!

To Practice Gratitude

One theme that never loses its brilliance is sincere appreciation for those that do something as an act of unexpected kindness. When we express gratitude, we are not only acknowledging the act, but we are teaching ourselves the importance of making it a part of our everyday existence. Being grateful and kind to someone else brings joy back to you. An intentional smile or kind word can change someone’s day. You never know what your neighbor is battling.

To Build Loving Relationships

The popular theme and predictable outcome of each story is Love. We bond in ways that accept each other’s uniqueness and build relationships based on mutual respect, compassion, and trust. It is the substance of pure joy. Sometimes from challenging beginnings the emotion of love transcends creating positivity that makes life worth living.

Reluctantly, but I admit with a little bit of enthusiasm, I peeked at the schedule of old and new Hallmark movies eager to watch another. None of us are immune to adversity, and the circumstances that challenge our lives allow us to build resilience when times are tough. There is always a glimmer of hope waiting to be discovered.

If my son and husband were here, I know they would approve of my interest in the Hallmark movies. A little bit of fabricated fantasy never hurt anyone. In fact, it wipes away the tears, solidifies the beautiful memories I treasure, and increases my happy genes.

My husband conceded and would watch the “chick flicks” with me. I would graciously point out how he surprised me with many similar romantic actions. I could also visualize my son standing there with his arms crossed and that silly smirk on his face chuckling at how misty eyed I could get over the heart-to-heart union of soulmates. Either and/or both of their responses would make me smile and give me a good night’s sleep.

Check out Nan’s website: Wings – A Grief Education Ministry (wingsgrief.org)

Nan Zastrow

“I always wanted to write,” said Nan Zastrow. “But I never dreamed it would be about death, grief, and mourning. Today I write to heal my pain and teach others that even after a life-changing event, there can be a reason and a purpose to go on living.” On April 16, 1993, Chad Zastrow, the son of Nan and Gary, died as the result of suicide. Ten weeks later, Chad’s fiancée took her life. This double tragedy inspired the Zastrows to create a ministry of hope. They formed a non-profit organization called ©Roots and Wings more commonly called Wings. From 1993—2003, they published the Wings™ magazine, a publication about real situations and real people going through grief that was mailed throughout the United States and Canada. In 2003, their non-profit changed its focus to primarily grief education and support. They publish a free, quarterly newsletter by email to subscribers. Nan and Gary, together, have been keynote speakers at National Bereaved Parents and workshop presenters at various other events. They have been grief group facilitators since 1993, and host workshops and seminars. Each year they host an original theme-based community “When the Holidays Hurt” program for area funeral homes. Nan is the author of four books and over sixty Editor’s Journal Articles in Wings, Grief Digest, and other publications. Their non-profit organization is the recipient of the 2000 Flame of Freedom Award for community volunteerism. Nan was also nominated for the Women of Vision Award in 2001; the Athena Award in 2005, and The HOPE of Wisconsin, hospice volunteer of the year in 2008. Nan and Gary are hospice volunteers and survivors of six sudden deaths of significant people in their lives.