In a few short days, the month of September will be upon us. As I type these words, I can physically feel my stomach flip-flopping and a knot beginning to form. What’s wrong with September? Technically … nothing. I do enjoy the last days of summer and the soon-to-be fall weather.
But my oldest daughter’s birthday and the day she died are both in the month of September. September brings up so many memories, both the good and the painful.
On September 12, my Elizabeth would have been 28 years old. What would she be doing with her life? I so often wonder. Where would she be living, what career would she have chosen? Would she be married? Would she have any children? Would she have dealt with the demons that plagued her in the last years of her life? These are all questions that will forever remain unanswered.
On September 20, we will mark the eighth anniversary of her death as well as the deaths of Amanda and Brian, two of her six roommates. Three young lives gone in an instant as the result of a fire in their old wooden duplex just a few blocks from the University of Minnesota where they were all just beginning their adult lives. So much promise … so many dreams and hopes gone in an instant.
So, what do I do? I could continue to focus on what is no longer possible … and, trust me, I do that on occasion. I think it’s necessary and I owe it to Liz. To sweep it all under the rug and pretend it never happened not only is a disservice to my daughter, but it is also a disservice to me. Revisiting the pain is necessary and part of my grieving process. The key, however, is only to visit, not remain stuck in it.
What is also necessary is to focus on the twenty years I had with my daughter. The times she made me laugh, made me smile, made me so mad I could hardly see straight — the good times as well as the bad. I remember that Elizabeth’s life was so much more than the way that she died. In the end, all I can do is smile because when it is all said and done, the only thing that really matters is how much we love each other. Love wins out over pain and heartache in the end.
There is a song by Green Day called, Wake Me Up When September Ends. My husband has commented that he would like nothing better than to go to sleep on August 31st and wake up on October 1st. And, even though I breathe a big sigh of relief when the calendar turns to October, I would never wish not to have September.
So in a few days, I will focus on remembering. I will honor her each and every day – in some small ways and maybe even some big ways. I will celebrate her and love her for what she is and will always be, my beloved first-born daughter. Death can never change that – nor can it erase the love that we will always share.
“It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.” Alfred Lord Tennyson
Kimberly Wencl 2011
Hi Kimberly,
I so relate to your story! October is my month of “hell” and am dreading it more than anything in the world! on the 15 October it will be my first little girls 4th birthday, my little angel Maddi that we lost should be having her 1st birthday on 30 October! I had planned a double birthday party for them since they were so close! and so now im trying to avoid the party like the plague!As I know we should have 2 birthday cakes! one with a big “4” and another with a big “1”. I have no idea how im going to get through it, little alone try and get myself together for my other little girl. Its so tough!! I just want to climb into bed and wake up in November!! Wish we could!!
Hi Jenny. I’ve tried ignoring our daughter’s birthday and i’ve tried embracing it; each is difficult in its own way. Muireann died aged 2 after becoming caught in a window blind cord. She would have been 6 at her last birthday. We now always have a cake for her as that has become important for my other children, and we always sing happy birthday. I find now that the thought of the day, the build up to it is worse than the day its self. and i try to spend the day remembering what a wonderful time we shared with her. My heart goes out to you. be kind to yourself. x
Hi Kimberly,
I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter Elizabeth. We lost our then 21 year old Joslyn to a car accident. This was on Feb. 3, 2008…superbowl sunday.
Her 25th birthday is Oct. 31! From October… comes Thanksgiving…comes Christmas…anniversary of her death. I (still) feel pretty new to this grief process. Seems like a long stretch until I can “breathe” again.
I miss her very much. Joslyn was well on her way to becoming a teacher and having a class of her own. I miss everything about her. She left behind 1 older brother and 1 older sister and a younger sister. We are never going to be whole again.
Since her death… we have added twin grandsons….they are to be celebrated! Love them so much.
Thanks for your entries.
Blessings on you and your family.
Carolyn
Carolyn – I am so sorry for your loss and I know how difficult the holidays and anniversaries are. Our daughters’ lives were cut short and they, and we that love them, have been robbed of seeing their lives unfold. We cannot change the past, we can only live our own lives the best we can and continue to remember our children through our memories and love for them and the promise that one day we will be with them again.
Thanks for writing and blessings to you as you continue down the road of your grief journey.
Hugs,
Kim