Losing a spouse, a parent, a child is devastating. But somehow, you will get through.
As crazy, lost, alone, scattered, numb, and frantic as you feel in those first months, know that as hard as it is to believe, it won’t last forever.
I know you don’t think you will ever get through this.
But there’s this little thing called breathing. Your body does it whether you want it to or not.
Your heart can be breaking, your gut wrenched, and you can feel as if you will truly lose your mind–and your body will continue to take its next breath. There will be times when you don’t want to breathe. You don’t want to live–the pain is so intense. Just let your body get your through for now.
It’s a divine design–to keep our heart and lungs on automatic.
I’m sure I would have either forgotten or opted not to breathe, not to allow my heart to pump if I had any say in the matter. But this sheer involuntary response is the only way to go on during those early days of grief.
Death comes in many forms–by way of an accident, or after a long agonizing illness–it’s never easy.
Even when you’ve been caregiving for years and you know your loved one is no longer suffering, almost everyone has a difficult time letting go.
Why? Why is it so difficult to watch death take those we love–even after pain and suffering, and even old age?
I believe because there’s something in us that deeply believes in the eternal.
Our brains do not compute that life is simply cut off. I’m not basing this on any particular religion or theology–I’m basing this on biology–we cannot comprehend that someone we know and love was here yesterday–and is not here today. Those who look at this purely scientific would say that it’s mere habit–but something in me feels that it’s more.
Why, after practicing a lifetime of faith, and believing with all our hearts that we will see our loved one again–is it still so hard to stand next to their lifeless, breathless body and kiss them goodbye?
The same reason a toddler cries for his/her mother. We don’t like separation.
And those early days of separation are very, very difficult.
What’s it like? That first month?
Experiencing a death of someone we love–at any age, and for any reason, usually means that we go into shock. Not only have I experienced the death of several loved ones, like you, I have many family and friends who have also experience grief and loss.
By looking at these first few days and weeks, we can begin to see a pattern–in ourselves and others. It’s less scary to know that we’re not alone, and that our bizarre thoughts and actions are something others experience as well.
What is shock?
It’s our body’s response to trauma or pain.
Physically, speaking, shock is when the body isn’t getting enough oxygen. It can occur after an injury when the body shuts down (the blood stays close to the heart to preserve life at its core level–or it can occur after a severe emotional trauma.
WebMD desribes shock as this:
- A sudden physical or biochemical disturbance that results in inadequate blood flow and oxygenation of an animal’s vital organs.
- A state of profound mental and physical depression consequent to severe physical injury or to emotional disturbance.
If you’ve ever experienced shock (yourself or by witnessing it in another person), one of its prime characteristics is that you’re probably not reacting to pain (physically or emotionally) as you would expect.
Car accident victims can walk around with a head wound or internal injury–and only after minutes or even hours does the body “compute” the damage and begin to react. This may give the person time to rescue a child or get out of a fire.
Emotional trauma shock can present with similar symptoms–the person may talk or act rather normal, even when you would expect them to cry or scream or fall apart. They might eventually do all those things–but it may be weeks or months later. The mind has the ability to stay “in shock” much longer than the body–and it will usually only allow the person to really feel and experience the deepest levels of grief when it’s safe.
The movie, Reign Over Me is a great example of emotional shock.
Adam Sandler plays a man who lost his wife and children during 9/11. He spends years in “shock,” and the exploration of how this man deals with grief in an unconventional way–and the arguments that the social and mental health community make to try to “fix” him, is interesting.
Every person’s journey with grief and loss is different. Honor yours.
Trust your gut, your shock will get you through.
During the first month you might: (no two people are the same)
- Be able to plan an elaborate funeral or memorial service
- Hold yourself together–be courteous, thoughtful and polite
- Look healthy and strong
- Go back to work days or weeks after your loved one passes
- Feel euphoric–an urgency to get on with life
- Plan a trip, go shopping, or other ordinary things
- Go off with friends and do things you haven’t been able to do in a long time
But…if you observe grief and shock a little closer, you’ll notice things aren’t quite what they appear on the surface.
You might also:
- Feel high strung, nervous, agitated
- Can’t pay attention, get bored or antsy with people
- Suffer from insomnia
- Have a panic or anxiety attack when you’re out in public
- Zone out and not remember where you are
- Feel guilty and think you caused your loved one to die (by taking them to the hospital, or not taking them, or a myriad of other decisions you had to make)
- Forget things–your keys locked in the car, your wallet at the gas station
- Avoid falling apart or crying because you may feel like once you start, you won’t be able to stop
- Have nightmares, even scary dreams of your loved one coming back alive–but not alive
- Become obsessed with something–putting your affairs in order, doing something your loved one nagged you about but you put off–but now you’re doing it to excess
- Do something, anything to feel alive–gamble, go to Vegas, visit online chat rooms, shop too much, eat too much
- You may start to snap at people–or cling–can’t let yourself be alone
- Your emotional pendulum keeps swinging wider and wider
- Feel as if you are truly losing your mind
Practical Things You Typically Do The First Month:
- File for and receive the death certificate (that’s tough)
- Contact your life insurance
- Decide when or if to go back to work
- Comfort others around you–children, friends, even when you don’t feel like it
- Cancel credit cards and put your house or car in your name only
- Pay the bills associated with your loved one’s passing–funeral expenses, etc.
- Decide to buy or sell certain items
- Figure out how to pay the bills or deal with repairs–whatever your spouse/loved one did that you now must do
- Catch up with your lfe–if your loved one was ill, there may be many things that need your attention now
- Write thank you notes
- Grapple with how to have a simple conversation with someone
Emotionally You’ll Have To:
- Make calls and let businesses know your loved one has passed
- Talk to many family and friends–and some of them will be awkward and say the “wrong” thing
- Walk back in your house, your bedroom, drive his car–feel his/her presence and be faced with your loss
- Sleep in the bed he’s/she’s no longer in
- Deal with clothes, cars and other personal items–even if you don’t start sorting and deciding what you keep, they are with you–in your house and your life
- Allow your brain and heart to assimilate that your loved one’s not here for you to call–to talk to
- Wake up and think he’s/she’s still there
- Feel alone and lost even when you’re busy
- Figure out who you are now and what to do with your time and energy
- Think about that “first” that is to come–first birthday without him, holiday without her–and make a plan
- Literally survive the best you can
- Know when to ask for help (that’s another blog post)
For most people, the first month is a blur.-and this is a good thing.
At times, you’re in bone crushing grief alternting with an odd euphoric gotta-get-out feeling.
You can bite someone’s head off or not even care if the shoes on your feet were on fire.
There’s a lot to do, and that list of wrapping things up and starting anew at least keeps your keep moving. The good news is: you probably won’t remember most of this.
Shock does a whammy on the brain. You may feel like you’ve put your skin on inside out–and your nerve endings are exploding–but later, there will be many things you can’t recall.
Your body is protecting you. Let it. When all else fails, breathe.
Carol is the author of Mothering Mother: A Daughter’s Humorous and Heartbreaking Memoir
Tags: grief, hope
Hi there!
I’ve been trying to look up shock for years. But would be over welled with something always. My husband had just left me two yrs. before and my poor only child, Joe called me everyday at lunch time and say I’m coming home for lunch, so I dragged myself out if bed make his lunch and start walking down to my bedroom, well he caught on to this real quick and say please sit and talk with me till I leave? I was truely lost after 20 some yrs of marriage and was worried, lost, and heartbroken. Meanwhile my son was going down hill in school, drinking every nite and got into oxy codeine while I was picking up the pieces of my heart. 2 yrs. Later my best friend was driving me home half way there I turned to her I have no idea why and I said ‘ I’m going to loose Joe soon. She looked at me like I had just lost my mind! I used to be a very happy go lucky kind of personally. Laughing to myself when I would think of something in the past that always cracked me up everytimeI thought about it. Before Joe I had two miss carriages one from slipping on the ice in very early stage like I just learne I was a couple of weeks ago. Then a couple of yrs. later another one. Then came Joe and he wasn”t going anywhere.
We had a traumatic first three months as he refused milk and they had to keep changing formulas. I’d be crying walking him around trying to burp him. ‘ nothing worked’ Had I remembered that my mother told me she just put me on pulp free orange juice and I was fine! Never broke a bone and they should have at times.
I went hurt my wrist at work where my one hand would just give out on me and whatever I was doing if in that hand lost all feeling and dropped it.
Went to doctor for some x-ways they called me back into room and the doctor was looking very complexed about something. He asked again how old I was, he was probably thinking maybe I had miswrote my age on patient sheet. Then he said has anyone ever told u your bones are 10 yrs. younger than they should be for your age? I said ,”no” being younger I didn’t think about the orange juice. He asked if the could make a copy for himself so he and his colleagues could look at it? I said go ahead. Wish I had been older so I would have asked him some questions. He said he had never or ever heard of a persons bones 10yrs.younger, older but never younger.
I don’t know how I on that story so I’ll get straight back to shock. As u have assumed by now it was just Joe and I.
My husband was of course moved out by then. Joe was 19 and I was in mid life running with my best friend,’Cheryl’ so I was slowly coming arouund and Cheryl had asked me if I would stay the night of the fire to watch kids no little ones. As someone had been paint balling their house. I asked Joe if he wanted to come he was around the fire pit with some friends which they always did on weekends. So I said you know the drill no one leaves after one drink so I’m not collecting keys.
It was May 28th 2013 memorial weekend and nice and warm but not enough for aur conditioning so I had screens in windows. Mike, Cheryls son same age as Joe came into the bed room frantic and said the boys that were their when I came I sent home. They were calling Mike to tell him smoke was coming out if the roof of my home. I said come on Michael lets go! We live 10 mins from each other. I get to my road which is supposed to be two way but the municipal never kept up. So I had to park at end of the road, this is a subard neighborhood. And ran full force into a police officer who advised I don’t go down there of course I ran past his,’ I’ve never had kids’ and ran down. Well all the neighbors are hiding in their houses except for one who would not let go if me! She was saying maybe I should have been bravier I hollered for him! All of the volunteers and regular plus next town down there all stuck in a big traffic jam of their own. Standing on my front porch trying to get into a three pain bay window, I was screaming to them to go to back there’s a screen u could of just reached in and pulled him out! They were no listening to me at all! Plus well wouldn’t you know it no fire hydrant’s anywhere! We even had a meeting place by the red maple tree. I asked if anyone had looked in garage window to see if he was home? If course not! I ran down and there was his car! That would be one of the first places I would have looked after all that’s why we had one! That’s when when my my mind went blank. Cheryl came clear from the mountains home an hour and a half drive and beat him home.
Him and his chides bride came near dusk I hear. I guess when I went into shock they took me to the hospital. Then ended up in the local whack ward for a few days. Im a young 61yr.old woman but still feel like it’s 2013..Sometimes I feel like I used too. They are great days. I am lonely and scared. No family.. Then a newish friend plainly came over and asked me if her brother who needed a kidney. I said ok as long as she stayed and took care of him.
She was gone in a yr. said she had to go back and help her other brother. He had a girlfriend. The day she left the verdal abuse started words that no man had ever used around me. All of any progress I had made was shattered. He died last January 2nd. He had stolen a lot of things that I hadn’t noticed when cleaning out his room.
I sit here everyday waiting on a visit from anyone. Never happens.