by Irv Leon, Ph.D. —
People who suffer miscarriages and stillbirths grieve over a baby they do not know. Understanding how these losses are different from other losses helps to appreciate the distinct way they are mourned. Here are several ways that pregnancy loss is unique.
1. It can feel less real.
When you grieve, you typically recall the beloved with longing memories — his/her voice, face, treasured interactions. With pregnancy loss, there are no such memories to grieve. There is silence and blankness instead. This is why it is usually helpful after a stillbirth to see the baby you grew to love during your pregnancy, to get to know her or him as a real person, as a daughter or son). Even if you are unable to (or choose not to) see, hold, and touch your baby, having pictures or mementoes can be another way of concretizing and identifying who was lost.
2. Sometimes it’s losing a baby; sometimes it’s not. For many women and their partners miscarriage is a confusing, anxiety-provoking event. Unlike a stillbirth, there usually is no body to see, and the pregnancy may not have gotten far enough along to be felt as a baby. What was lost? For some, it was a baby, especially if viewed earlier in ultrasound. For others, it is felt as a blow to a woman’s maternal creativity. Or perhaps it is a profound disappointment. Sorting out what was lost can help determine the personal meanings of a miscarriage.
3. It injures the self and self-esteem. More so for women than for men, pregnancy loss is an assault upon the self. It feels as if your body has failed. Reproducing has intimations of immortality. It is becoming a co-creator with God. For many women, depressed feelings following these losses may be as much a result of feeling terrible about oneself as missing one’s baby. Finding other avenues of feeling proud of yourself may help to alleviate diminished self-worth.
4. It revives other losses and hurts. Not uncommonly, we name our children after someone who has died, in his or her memory. Conversely, when a baby dies, it may revive the intensity of a prior loss — a parent or some other important figure in one’s life. When grieving a pregnancy loss persists without relief for longer than a year, an earlier loss or trauma is often involved as well.
5. It interferes with normal development. For many people, the goal of having children is not only to love the child but to gain the adult status of parenthood as well. Pregnancy loss often causes feelings of being left out and stagnating as one’s friends, siblings, co-workers are having children. This often makes it intolerable to be around other pregnant women or families with babies.
6. Others don’t understand. Many people don’t realize how profound a loss this can be. Others may be uncomfortable with loss in general. Even well-intentioned people say hurtful things–“You’ve been in the dumps for two weeks. Get over it already!” “You can always have another baby.” “It was meant to be.” Sometimes it may be useful to tell the offending person he may be well-meaning, but it doesn’t help to hear that. If he or she is capable of listening, it may be possible to explain what the loss does mean to you.
7. It is more difficult to end. Most losses entail grieving relationships rooted in the past. Pregnancy loss almost entirely grieves what will be lost in the future. So grief is intensified on particular anniversaries, especially the due date, or special holidays or experiences you hoped to share with your baby. Even after the intense grief over pregnancy loss has subsided, there may always be events that trigger the everlasting loss of this baby.
Irv Leon is a psychologist who has worked for more than 20 years with reproductive loss, adoption, and bereavement. He is author of When a Baby Dies: Psychotherapy for Pregnancy and Newborn Loss (Yale University Press, 1990.) Reach him at irv.leon@prodigy.net.
Tags: grief, hope
I just recently had my first child who was a still born I wake wondering what his voice sound like yet i did feel i knew he seem to be the friendless person that i would love to had this month but i had to have my pregnancy induced the sad part was i thought that would help more than it would hurt him yet it seemed he wasn’t recieving all the things he needed when my doctor told my son who i thought was a girl for almost most his time in the womb my heart was broken and I couldn’t hold back my tears. When I lost at first my state of mind wasn’t together i heard what the doctors told i was still assuming he was coming home to me.
Dear Tiara,
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son. It is such a shock to learn that the baby you’ve carried and loved and made plans for isn’t coming home with you. Nobody can prepare you for that. I encourage you to let yourself grieve and feel the emotions that are flowing through you. Talk about your son with people who will listen with an open heart. There are support groups, both local chapters and online, that are there for you. You can contact Share Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support at http://www.nationalshareoffice.com or The Compassionate Friends at http://www.compassionatefriends.org. I am the editor of the new Open to Hope Pregnancy and Infant Loss page which has helpful articles and resources including my book The Good Grief Club which is the true story of the friendships I made with six other women at a support group after our babies died in miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant death. You can visit that page at http://www.opentohopepregnancyloss.com
I wish you peace and healing,
Monica Novak
Author of The Good Grief Club
Editor of Open to Hope Pregnancy and Infant Loss Page
Hi Tiara,
I do understand the feelings of loss. In September 2008, my twins entered the world 14 weeks preterm. My son passed after 7 hours and my daughter joined him in heaven after 3 days. Even now, nine months later, I deal with the loss. I will offer you hope that by surrounding yourself with caring, understanding people, you can learn to cope with the open place in your heart — though, I do believe that that open place will never go away. I don’t think a day passes that I don’t think of my two little ones and still wish that I’d had more time to hold them. You are not alone in your grief. Please find a support group or a good therapist to help you deal with the loss.
Melanie