I think one of the most frequently asked questions after a loss is, “What should I say to someone who is grieving?” My company has developed a product that might help with that.
Some background: This past April, I wrote about the importance of acknowledging people who are grieving. Often, the fear of saying the wrong thing leads people to say nothing. From the bereaved individual’s point of view, this could be seen as uncaring or pretending the death did not occur.
So I shared some excerpts from our book, “Cracking the Code to Leadership,” in the hope that it would help those around bereaved people express their compassion and respect in ways that were appropriate and respectful. While the main audience for the book is the business community, many Open to Hope readers have written to say they found the information in the April column helpful.
Recently, my company launched iPAR MindReader, an Apple iPhone app, that is mostly designed to help business people be better at connecting, influencing or inspiring their employees, customers and others stakeholders.
It has again occurred to me that some of the emotions found in business interactions are the same emotions experienced by bereaved individuals. Supported by Nobel Prize winning research, iPAR Mindreader gives tips and suggestions for a strategy to connect with any emotion and make every conversation more productive. Whether the setting is inside a business, with your family, or with a bereaved friend, iPAR Mindreader is designed to improve your ability to connect with others.
Here’s how it works: Initially, MindReader helps you identify Positive, Negative or Neutral points of view. Then it presents you with clues to determine the other person’s degree of positive or negative. Select the appropriate clue and MindReader provides insight into how the other person sees things at that moment in time with verbal and non-verbal samples to confirm your observation. Then the big payoff comes: MindReader suggests ways to connect with even the most difficult/negative person and provides samples of appropriate responses.
How does this apply to bereaved people? We know bereaved people are sad. MindReader suggests how to approach a bereaved person. For example, you first prove you are taking that bereaved person seriously (“It must be very hard…”) and then offer some help (“…so would it help if I sent over dinner for tonight?”).
Sadness, denial, fear, guilt, anger, skepticism, etc., are part of business of business and the business of bereavement. It would be wonderful for me, a bereaved parent, to see this app work in both situations.
In the event you are interested and have either an iPhone or an iPod, go to the Apple store, click on the apps section and search under iPAR MindReader. Any feedback would be welcomed.
Tags: grief, hope
hi im dave lost my my wife in april i have two boys 4 and 7 im finding the holidays very difficul im very depressed cant move and i have my mom helping me with the boys very hard i cry all the time
Dave,
I can only imagine the grief you are experiencing. My son, Scott, died 16 hours after birth in 1971 and my 25 year old son, Lance, was killed in a motorcycle accident in 1995. So I know grief but grief different than yours.
When Lance died is was a wreck for a long time. I found a support group for bereaved parents and it helped but I was still pretty much of a wreck for most of the first year. There is a support program, Grief Share, for all losses but it tends to have a loy of people who have lost their spouse. That might help. Check with the churches in your area as they usually sponsor it although it is non-denominational.
Grief is hard work and it demands to be worked through, you cannot avoid it. It is especially difficult at the holidays or the special dates. You’re sad and your have every right to be sad. You might find it helpful if you found somebody who would just listen. I found that talking about what I was experiencing over and over again was very helpful in coming to grips with what I was dealing with.
The bad news is for me it’s been 14+ years and it still hurts – not all the time and not as intensely as the first year. The good news is most of the time when I think back, I think about the positive things in Lances life and that makes me happy rather than sad. So the lesson for me is that eventually grief is manageable.
Hope this helps! If you want to share more I’m open to listening.