Different personalities handle life, death, and caregiving differently.
We all have gifts to offer the world and to offer as a caregiver.
Stop trying to be something you’re not.
Stop trying to be your mother.
There are things you’re good at things you aren’t.
Accept this and let go of the guilt.
By examining your basic personality traits, you can capitalize on your strengths and accept what you can–and can’t do.
There are several types of personality tests such as the Briggs-Meyers and Kiersey Temperament scale.
Let’s start with a simple one first. It’s actually based on the four humors of Hippocrates and is called Personality Plus by author and speaker Florence Littauer.
Here’s an easy breakdown of the Four Basic Personality Types:
Choleric: This is the commander-type. Cholerics are dominant, strong, decisive, stubborn and even arrogant.
Melancholy: This is the mental-type. Their typical behaviour involves thinking, assessing, making lists, evaluating the positives and negatives, and general analysis of facts. ‘
Sanguine: This is the social-type. They enjoy fun, socialising, chatting, telling stories – and are fond of promising the world, because that’s the friendly thing to do.
Phlegmatic: This is the flat-type. They are easy going, laid back, nonchalant, unexcitable and relaxed. Desiring a peaceful environment above all else.
Positives and Negatives
None of these types is specifically described as positive or negative – each having upsides and downsides. The book makes it clear that the characteristics are for observing and identifying, rather than judging.
- A Choleric is focused on getting things done, but can run rough-shod over others. They are decisive and stubborn, but are also natural leaders and like check lists and getting things done. They can also be charismatic and dynamic and tend to “take the air out of the room.”
- A Melancholy is a planner, making sure things happen, although sometimes they can paralyze themselves with over-analysis. Lists and “doing things the right way” are characteristics of this personality type. While quiet, they are also strong and stay on task. They are the ponderers and can also be great artists and enjoy being alone. They tend to make their own happiness and are easy to get along with.
- A Sanguine gets on well with people and can get others excited about issues, but cannot always be relied upon to get things done. They love interacting with others and play the role of the entertainer in group interactions. They have a tendency to over-promise and under-deliver. They are also inspiring and charasmatic and light up a room.
- A Phlegmatic is neutral – they tend not to actively upset people, but their indifference may frustrate people. They try not to make decisions, and generally go for the status quo. Phlegmatics are peace lovers and bring a sense of calmness to situations. They avoid stress whenever possible and are great at coping skills and solving problems–if you seek them out because they’re not likely to assert themselves. They don’t like being the center of attention.
Do you see yourself anywhere?
I do. I’m a mix of sanguine and choleric and with a dash of melancholy.
I’m one step away from being a party-hardy, but I do have my contemplative side.
I also see myself, sad to say, not delivering on all of my promises. Mostly because I promise too much.
I can entertain a room and love telling stories, planning an event, and rallying a cause.
By knowing this about myself, I’m able to recognize when I am, or I’m not at my best.
I was also able to assess my mother’s personality–not hard to do–choleric and then some.
I could see why we butted heads. Two extroverts, entertainers, both of us know-it-alls–under one roof. No wonder we had a few fireworks (cannons) go off. No wonder we needed to get out and be with other people–only caregiving and Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s isn’t exactly a great mix for mingling in a crowd.
Still, I could watch my mother’s face light up whenever we had company.
I can still see her long, elegant hands (she always had great nails) expressing a point.
Even her natural speaking voice had a certain cadence to it. You listened when she talked.
She liked herself, and that makes others like you as well. Some people found this annoying, but perhaps they felt threatened by such a formidable woman. While I’m at it, I can’t fail to mention that she was BOSSY, irritating, and demanding! She wouldn’t mind me saying these things because she wouldn’t consider them a detriment. That’s how things get done, she’d say.
In the end, I have to believe that I was able to offer my mother the homecoming she desired. She died at home, with me by her side and with hospice to guide us. I fought exhaustion and doubt because I have the personality to go and go–if I believe in something. We stuck together–through fights, medical setbacks, and long, dark nights.
Her memorial service had a presentation of her dynamic life–as a minister, mother, wife, radio and television evangelist, and I was able to give her this because I understood her and how she would want to be remembered. I used my gift to tell stories to remember her. That’s why I wrote Mothering Mother, to capture who she was, who we were.
Learning about your personality and others can help when things get rough.
When I get out of my element, I say that ”my circuit breakers are popping.”
That’s when I’ve created or become a part of a too stressful situation and I begin to lose it.
I forget things, drop the ball, the house gets totally chaotic–I’m even later than usual, and I get fussy.
I mean really fussy. I’m usually a laid back, happy go lucky gal, and when I get mean–something’s off.
I know this about me, and it really helped in dealing with caregiving stress.
I knew what to watch out for. I knew what I could give my mother and my family–and what I couldn’t.
You can’t go changing yourself, so don’t try. Not that we shouldn’t improve, but don’t plan to go out and get a lobotomy.
You pretty much have to go with the Popeye motto, “I am what I am.”
So accept your basic personality and learn to make the most of it.
For us Sanguines and Cholerics–hey, we can throw a great party, get people involved in a cause. Make people smile and laugh, make a room look gorgeous, a meal, sumptuous, and call up an army in time of need. Those are good things.
What we can’t do for you is pay attention to every detail, plan for every pitfall, or deliver on our gazillion, hair-brained ideas. We do care when we let people down, at least I do.
What this means is that we need each other. I need those quiet, consistent friends to help me stay on course. I need a phlegmatic to calm me down when I get too worked up, I need a melancholy daughter to ask me how I’m doing, what I need–and then take the time to hear me out. I need my choleric daughter to organize my office while I listen to her fume about the injustices of the world. I need my melancholy, phlegmatic husband to pay the bills, put money in our 401K and run my beautiful website he designed. Does he drive me crazy with his skepticism and practicalities? Sure does. But my kite-flying high ideas drive him bonkers too. Still, we make a good team.
Isn’t it wonderful how we can look around us and see how we all fit together?
Caregiving is tough, but no matter which personality type you have, you bring gifts to the table, to your relationship. It is no mistake that you are you mother’s daughter, your husband’s spouse, that your sister happens to be so opposite of you sometimes you want to scream–and then other times she balances you out, and smooths over siatuations in a way you couldn’t have.
By understanding better who you are, where your soft spots are, what you’re good at–you can offer your loved one unique and just what they need.
Accept your personality and your relationships as they are meant to be.
~Carol D. O’Dell
Family Adviser, Caring.com
Author of Mothering Mother: A Daughter’s Humorous and Heartbreaking Memoir
