After I’d lost several family members in a short time, the question “How are you?” always threw me off-balance. How did the person think I was after so much tragedy?

Usually when someone asks this question, they expect one reply: “Fine.” I used this answer at first to end painful conversations. But I wasn’t fine, knew it, and came up with different answers to this common question. Months passed, and my next answer to the question was, “Okay.” I liked the answer because it was common language and fit many situations.

“Getting along” was my third answer, the one I used in the middle stage of grief. This answer implied progress, which seemed to satisfy people. When I felt stronger, I answered the question with one word: “Coping.” I only used this answer with close friends.

Finally, well into my grief journey, I said “I’m good.” And I was good because my support system began with me. I had identified the gaps and fixed them. To move forward on the healing path, I needed to become my own support system, a responsible person in charge of myself.

My early efforts at creating a personal system were a false start— confusing and ambiguous. I wondered why. In her book, Loving Someone Who Has Dementia, Dr. Pauline Boss writes, “It’s up to you, in your own mind, to create a safe space—perhaps even a delicious place—where you know . . . that you have done your best and can do no more.”

These words resonated with me, and I took them to heart. I felt I could help others who were grieving, not just relatives and caregivers of patients suffering from memory loss. Reaching out to others would help them and help me.

What steps did I take? I continued to learn about grief. While this wasn’t fun reading, it helped me understand grief in general, types of grief, styles of grieving, what I was going through, and what others were going through. The more I read, the more my compassion grew, and I resisted judging myself.

Excerpted from Winning: A Story of Grief and Renewal: Hodgson MA, Harriet: 9781608082919: Amazon.com: Books.

Visit Harriet’s website: www.harriethodgson.net.

Read more by Harriet on Open to Hope: https://www.opentohope.com/get-a-grief-buddy/

Harriet Hodgson

Harriet Hodgson has been a freelancer for 43 years, is the author of thousands of articles, and 42 books, including 10 grief resources. She is Assistant Editor of the Open to Hope website, a member of the Association of Health Care Journalists, Alliance of Independent Authors, Minnesota Coalition for Grief Education and Support, and Grief Coalition of Southeastern Minnesota. She is well acquainted with grief. In 2007 four family members died—her daughter (mother of her twin grandchildren), father-in-law, brother (and only sibling) and the twins’ father. Multiple losses shifted the focus of Hodgson’s work from general health to grief resolution and healing. She has appeared on more than 185 radio talk shows, including CBS Radio, and dozens of television stations, including CNN. In addition to writing for Open to Hope, Hodgson is a contributing writer for The Grief Toolbox website and The Caregiver Space website. A popular speaker, she has given presentations at The Compassionate Friends national conference, Bereaved Parents of the USA national conference, and Zoom grief conferences. Her work is cited in Who’s Who of American Women, World Who’s Who of Women, Contemporary Authors, and other directories. For more information about this busy grandmother, great grandmother, author, and speaker please visit www.harriethodgson.com.

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