Today I was driving, and the thought of someone I used to work with came to my mind.  I couldn’t think of his name. Who was that kid with glasses? Was it Dex? Or Dax?

Then, I thought: My husband Dave would know. Yes, Dave would know.  We worked together and have so many shared memories and experiences.  That’s what folks do when they fall in love and decide to spend their lives together. They share almost everything with each other.  That’s what we did.

Fifteen years together…same friends, same shared favorite places, music, etc., etc., etc.

So, I drove, I thought, then I cried.  I miss Dave. I miss his goofy looks at me from across the room. I miss him laughing at my dumb jokes. I miss his smell.  I miss his smile.  I miss the me I saw through him.  That’s one of the things that comes to me as I think about building experience, growing together and sharing lives. I miss my reflection in his eyes.  I miss the me that he saw and loved.

In that reflection was a knowing.  Knowing that he was there to store and keep those memories…our own vault, so to speak.  Now, I alone am the vault keeper.  I hold the memories of our life together. I share the stories with the kids. There is still something so essential that’s missing though, being able to reflect, remember and share that with someone that was there, with him.

Today, I not only grieve losing him, but I grieve losing a part of my life that I can never have back.  Really, we are all who we are because of what we’ve lived and whom we loved. There’s a big blank in my life, a big space that I can’t share with anyone because it was ours.  That makes me sad, it makes me angry, and it makes me…well, it makes me, me.

So, I guess I won’t remember that kid’s name from so long time ago.  I will, however, continue to remember that all those experiences with Dave made me the woman I am today.  Maybe I won’t have someone to laugh with about it, but I will still remember that time when the reflection I saw through another’s eyes and heart made me feel loved, wanted, and alive.

Christine Thiele 2010