The sixth anniversary of my husband’s death is right around the corner. I’m wondering tonight about open hearts. Open hearts are soft, ready to be shaped by love. They are ready for moments of joy, ready to let go of pain. I have an open heart. My only problem is that my heart is only open from time to time – it is no longer open regularly.
There have been moments throughout the six years that have passed when I have felt ready. I feel ready to open my heart and ponder the possibility of someone else to love. Fleeting moments when I believe in my bones that I will be able to love someone again. These moments pass though. They come and they go.
Then I remember the love I had. It was not easy to come by…it was a long road to find him. Many men, one previous marriage, and then, only then, did we find each other. It seems so random. Can it really happen again?
When I think of my life, well, my young before him life, I see relationships with others that didn’t work. They all had their moments, but they weren’t the one. They weren’t the one that stopped me in my tracks. They weren’t the ones that really understood me and loved me anyway. There were some good ones, some bad ones and even some that I thought were keepers.
Then there he was. It was like I knew it deep, deep down in my very essence. It took me along time to find him. How can I ever even think that opening my heart could lead to someone else who would love me?
Here’s the thing though…I’m a relationship person. I like being part of a team. Right now, I’m team leader for my kids and I, but don’t share the teamwork that much with them. It’s a different type of team being parent and kids. It’s just not the same as being with someone. Does that make sense?
I want my heart to open. I want to be loved and love someone again. I want to feel, to know another in an intimate way and have them feel and know me…ya know? I miss that. I’ve been doing my work. I’ve been working hard on healing hearts and souls. I want to share my heart again, no matter how broken it may be.
I guess the question is: Will I have the courage to do it again? Will I be able to give it all when I know I can lose it all in an instant? Will someone be able to love me knowing I will always love him? I won’t love them less, but he will always be a part of who I am.
Open hearts are soft hearts, ready to be shaped and by love. Love that is new, love that is old, love that is joyful, love that cracks it open and breaks it…but most of all, open hearts are willing to love again.
Christine Thiele 2011
Thank you, Chris. As I approach the second anniversary of my husband’s death next week, I feel the same things that you write. Except for the open heart – I am trying to be open to seeing friends and family more often, but even that part is a struggle. I’ll get excited and think, I’ll go here, and there, and see people, and do things – then I end up not going through with most plans. I was with friends last weekend, and I tried not to get upset, but of course I did. I felt so much pressure to laugh and pretend. I thought maybe I mentioned Allen too much – not sure. But when I was sitting around with my girlfriends, and they were telling stories about their husbands, I didn’t have anything else to say but “Allen used to do this, or that…” I couldn’t tell if that was okay with the others. I probably need to ask. It’s so hard. And having an open heart to consider loving someone else is just not a goal for me, and I’m okay with that. I hope you will continue to share your stories. You are appreciated.
Won’t and can’t love again and think He would want that too.
Christine, I too have been a widow for six years, and it seems like each year without him gets harder instead of easier. Just when I think I might be ready to move on and try and meet someone – I am pulled back by the love and life that we shared. So, I guess I’m not ready, and I’m uncertain if I ever will be ready. Eddie was my high school sweetheart and the love of my life. We were together for 35 years, and moving on without him is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Time will tell…but I have the feeling that my journey on earth will continue alone…a choice that my heart continues to control…
Paula
Dear Christine, Your question touches me to the core because it is one that I have experienced and worried about. My husband of 42 years passed away 2 – 1/2 years ago. He was sick for a year, and we were in denial about what was in front of us. Because I was 62 at the time, and had been married for so long, and was longing to be hugged, and didn’t know whether I was “viable” – didn’t really know who I was as someone without my mate — I put myself out there into the dating world fairly early on. For some people it was “widow out too soon” – but it was an exploration process for me. Part of getting my footing about who I was alone, not part of an us. I, too, am a relationship person. Not to say that I can’t or won’t function on my own – I do that very well, but that soul/heart connection was missing. I think at the beginning I was looking for my husband’s smile, his build, his presence. Maybe because the images I had were so horrific from that one year struggle, I needed to find his smile that I loved so much.
I did meet someone serendipitously and have been in a loving relationship with him for quite awhile. But all during this time, I was worried that I didn’t have room in my heart because I was terrified of losing my husband from that place … another irreplaceable loss. Fear would emerge and take my breath away.
I have learned that the first thing I needed to do was to welcome myself back to my heart. And to understand that I would not lose the new Laurel of today. Slowly, oh so slowly, I have realized that I will never lose that special place my husband has in my heart/in my soul. My fear lessened with time and l let the man that I love today into my heart. It was a slow process, but I feel loved and contentment today. It is a big place, this heart of mine, and it has room for many loves – my husband, my friends, my family, my pets, the beauty of a sunset, the beauty of a new day, and especially a place for my spirit.
I will never forget the journey my husband and I shared for 44 years, and I believe he is around me prodding me forward on this new journey that I am on. I talk to him every day and send him my love and my gratitude. He is an integral part of who I am and that will never ever change.
With understanding and encouragement, Laurel
It’s been 10 years since your passing and I still find myself with a heart filled full of our love. You were taken from me so unexpectedly. Not sure where all the time has went? I feel you still so close to me my darling. Just can’t seem to take the time to open my heart again, maybe I am just afraid to feel vulnerable. So I do not let anyone get close. It has taken many years to be without you. I am managing everyday. Is it possibly to just keep your true love yet remain unattached and unavailable?
Ric