Widower Keeps Wives’ Memories Alive

In 2022, Dr. Sara Hackett published a paper describing how widows and widowers continue to depend on their romantic partners after those partners have died.  Even many years after the death, Dr. Hacket reported, the deceased spouse continues to play a major role in life of the surviving partner.
Those findings hit so close to home for me. I was widowed for the first time 38 years ago at age 25, and for the second time 9 years ago at age 55.
My late partners, Becky and Susan, remain so much a part of my life. I relate to Becky and Susan through movement and music. I walk a lot and while I walk, I listen to playlists—some that Susan created and a couple that I created.

First Wedding Song

One playlist particularly bridges my life with Susan and Becky. While I am walking and listening to it, a song comes up that always catches my attention. As I listen to the Pachelbel Cannon, I see myself standing, 41 years ago, at the front of the chapel turning and waiting for Becky to come down the aisle.
I relive that incredible feeling that my married life with Becky is about to start. My best friend, my lover and here we are ready to join together in marriage. But that’s not all. So often I hear Becky comment on the events in my life, and the life I lead. Later in the playlist, I hear a few songs that Susan introduced me to:  “God Bless the Broken Road that Brought You Straight to Me” and the song “So are You to Me”.

More Wedding Day Memories

These bring Susan right by my side, and I often have conversations in my mind with Susan and I can hear her voice.  The voice that I hear is so reassuring as she was when I could look in her eyes. The last song is Ode to Joy—the music Susan and I chose as recessional music for our marriage service.

I can feel her hand in mine and recall that wedding day 24 years ago and the sense of how lucky I was to be with her, almost as if Becky had handed me to Susan. My life with Susan was so connected, such a partnership both in our careers and our home and the family we created with our children.
There is one song in which we are all together in my mind—Shallow, from the movie A Star is Born. I see myself with Becky and Susan both, in Lake Michigan, a place that each of us loved. and we have our arms around one another. When it is time for me to come to shore, my late mother and late brother are waiting for me and I know how loved I have been.

Peter Lichtenberg

Peter A. Lichtenberg, Ph.D., ABPP is the Director of The Institute of Gerontology and the Merrill Palmer Skillman Institute. He is also a Professor of Psychology at Wayne State University. He received his bachelor’s degree from Washington University in St. Louis, and his Master’s and doctorate in Clinical Psychology from Purdue University. After his internship he completed a post doctoral fellowship in geriatric neuropsychology at the University of Virginia Medical School where he also became a faculty member. A clinician and researcher throughout his career Dr. Lichtenberg, one of the first board certified Clinical Geropsychologists in the nation, has made contributions to the practice of psychology across a variety of areas including in Alzheimer’s disease, medical rehabilitation and with those suffering from late life depression. He is particularly interested in the area of intersection between financial capacity and financial exploitation; finding ways to balance autonomy and protection for older adults. He recently completed the creation of the Lichtenberg Financial Decision Making Rating Scale, and the Lichtenberg Financial Decision Screening Scale: tools to be used to assess major financial decisions and/or transactions of older adults. He has authored 7 books and over 160 scientific articles in Geropsychology including being the senior editor for the American Psychological Association’s Handbook of Clinical Geropsychology. On November 14, 1984 at the age of 25 Peter was widowed when his wife, Becky died while jogging of a cardiac arrhythmia. His grief was intense and complicated but he emerged and was happily married again in 1999. In 2010, his wife Susan was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer and although she functioned at a high level throughout she died of heart failure in February 2014. Peter began a writing class in May 2014 and in the fall of 2015 decided to write his story of grief and healing in a piece titled Twice in a Lifetime. His personal and professional experiences give him a unique perspective on grief and healing. He lives in Detroit, Michigan with his children Thomas age 14 and Sophie age 11. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m5WBzO1oD_A

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