Time. It is not always on our side, especially in the grieving process. Since losing my son eight years ago, I’ve heard many well-meaning folks tell me how much “time” I should be taking to heal. One month? Absurd. One year? A common marker, but certainly not common for everyone.
We are told, “It’s time to move on. Time to get over this. Time to get back to life.” How much time is enough time to “get over” death? And can we ever “get over” something as life-altering as the death of our child?
If you’re reading this, chances are strong that you have experienced devastating loss. I know that after my son, Steven, was killed in an accident, I cringed at the mention of any timeline to grief. Was there some magic date on which I was supposed to feel better? Some point at which I wasn’t allowed to mention my sadness or pain when out socially? Was there some mathematical formula to calculate the duration of grief based on the severity of the loss?
My head was spinning.
I decided that it was up to me, and only me, to know when I felt the start of healing. No one should be able to dictate to me when enough minutes, hours and days had been taken to be on the road to grief recovery.
I know now that I will never get over the loss of my child, yet I have now come far enough to “move forward” with positive living again. Simply moving on without my eleven year-old could never happen. Moving forward, by taking each step slowly and thoughtfully working through my feelings, has.
I spent the good part of the first three or four years in private grief therapy, sorting through the pain, guilt and ashes left from the blaze of Steven’s death. How could this have happened? Why did I let him out the door that day? How do I continue to raise my other children to be well-adjusted and happy? When will we ever feel ourselves?
Through the time I took, I was able to move forward, to move away from “living death” to “living life” again. Yes, I still grieve. I will always grieve the death of my little boy. The difference is, I laugh again, I love again. I have even danced at a few weddings.
Indeed, taking our time is vitally important on this most important journey. It is a journey we will forever be on, but one that can withstand how long each of our steps take.
Maria Malin, a bereaved mother and certified grief and life crisis specialist, can be found at www.movingforwardhangingon.com.
Thank you for your sharing your story and feelings and I am so sorry for the loss of your son. On Wednesday, August 3rd it will be 4 years since our son, was killed, he was 19 and just ready to head off to college. Life has moved on and we have found a way to move forward also. The pain is still there as we know it always will. Sometimes I just feel like I am going through the motions of life. We have a daughter who just finished her first year of college and she is such a good girl, we know we have much to be thankful for. Some days I just can’t help feeling so anxious and having those fearful thoughts of something happening to her. My husband is a farmer and they had plans to farm together we were so looking forward to turning the farm over to him someday. A new plan has to take place and we haven’t figured that out yet. He and his Dad were so close and it is so painful to see how much he misses him also. Even though my husband is close to our daughter, I feel guilty that I have her to do those mother/daughter things and he doesn’t have our son to do the same. Friends and family have been very supportive but at some point you just shut down with all the feelings you are having because they just don’t know what to say to you anymore and I don’t want them feeling sorry for me. Some days I just feel sad and I have learned thats OK and that tomorrow will be better. We have a strong faith but I even question what I believe at times. Its like I know God is with us, I just don’t feel it! Thanks again for being someone who gives hope to those of us who are traveling down the road of loss.
I have lost my 19 yr old son in an accident 10 months back. Feeling depressed and lonely.
But still have a small hope that one day he’ll be back .
Hi i read a few of these articles and its heart breaking to lose a friend,family member,parent.sibling but the hardest thing is to lose a child.I have lost my little nephew going on eight years now and its a heart breaking experience for me.In fact today just today i got back from a funeral.my sister in laws sister passed on so suddenly from a massive heart attack.It was shocking just like losing my darling nephew god bless his soul.It hurts its painful and at times hard to accept but till today my heart still has a hole in it that cannot be repaired.That emptiness i feel the thought of what it would been if he was still on earth.God i love him so so dearly my darling nephew.He always brought happiness into my home and life i wish i could see him soon.time may fly but my love for him will never die my sweet child my angel.In the indian custom its said to cry becuase the departed will not be in peace but tell how do we do that when the hurt is so great tell me………….MAY YOU SMILE ALWAYS LIVE ON MY ANGEL.GOD BLESS.
Good Afternoon Maria,
I first want to say I am so so sorry about your little boys tragedy. I know your pain so well but not as a Mother like you but as Mother, who is watching my son and daughter in law and their little girls, my Avery on the same journey. You see I am also watching it and living it as a Mother and a Nana who lost our sweet boy Easton 4 months ago in a traffic accident almost identical to yours. Easton was riding his bike to school being followed by Mom and little sister when he didn’t hear the horns from an oncoming freight train and was struck and killed instantly. My family is now broken and I as a mother have no control over this and really don’t know what to do to help ease my sons gaping whole in his heart. My daughter in law I worry about and my little Avery has even changed. My sister gave me your book in hopes it will help me and give me some direction in this hell I have been placed in. I thank you for finding the strength to write this so beautifully written book and even though it is the most painful read it gives me hope for my family. I pray for the day we are.all reunited back with these sweet boys!
Best regards,
Eastons Nana
Andy Wilsey-Cooper