By Linda Della Donna —
You know you’re a widow when…
At the end of a good day, you bust out crying for no particular reason.
At the end of a bad day, you burst out laughing for no particular reason.
At the end of everyday, you crawl into bed and sleep on His side.
You refuse to throw away His toothbrush, His razor, His bar of soap, because you think He’ll need them.
The sight of His bathrobe hanging on a hook on the back of the bathroom door reduces you to tears, but you refuse to throw it away because the smell reminds you of Him. And you never want to forget the best friend you ever had.
Your life revolves around trips to the cemetery to plant tulips in spring, marigolds in summer, geraniums in autumn, and mistletoe in winter. And because you promised.
You wear His wedding band looped through a chain around your neck tucked neatly under your shirt.
You wear your wedding ring because you still feel married.
You had a terrible horrible miserable ugly day. And He’s not here to tell you everything will be okay.
You talk to your dog. And swear to God that silly dog understands every word you say.
You tell everyone who asks, “How ya doing?” the big lie, “I’m doing fine.” That’s because you know they don’t understand. You know they can’t. And you pray they never will.
You sit posed like a pooch for animal crackers over a job application. You can’t make up your mind which box to check – Single, Married, Divorced, Other. You honestly don’t know.
The lamp in the living room turns on. And you didn’t flip the switch. You truly believe it’s a message sent from Him.
You sit in coffee shops for hours and hours scribbling on paper napkins. Because you can’t stand the thought of sitting home alone.
You’re craving to get out the house, but once you get out, you yearn to get back home. You just don’t feel safe without Him at your side.
The sight of two strangers, a man and a woman, holding hands, bums you out. It reminds you of the life you had with Him.
You get caught in the pouring rain without an umbrella. And you honestly don’t give a damn.
Your big night out is a trip to the trash bin to dump the garbage.
You stand over the kitchen sink eating cold pizza for breakfast.
You lose weight. You miss Him so much you lose your appetite for chocolate.
You gain weight. You miss Him so much you think a Hostess Twinkie or an Oreo Cookie will fill the void.
You mark time BD (before His death) and AD (after His death).
At the end of each day you ask yourself the magic question, how did I do it? Then pray the magnificent prayer, please God, can I do it one more day? And you know in you’re heart, with His help, you can.
Linda Della Donna is a freelance writer who supports new widows through the grief process. At present, she’s working on a memoir dedicated to her late husband, Edward Sclier. You can learn more about Della Donna at http://www.littleredmailbox.com. Her blog is http://www.griefcase.blogspot.com – for widows only. Contact Della Donna at littleredmailbox@aol.com.
Tags: grief, hope, signs and connections
I read this to my mom who lost her husband and my dad suddenly. She said this was as close to how she felt as she could imagine. Thank you for putting this into words.
This sums it up totally. I’ve been a widow for 6 months and everyday when I wake up I roll over and think did I dream it. I don’t know how I’m getting through the days, but with denial. I sleep on his side of the bed, I spray his cologne throughout the house. I wear his flannel shirt to sleep in. I pace the house trying to find a spot that he hasn’t touched. I leave the house thinking I’ll leave the hurt and pain. I return home to find it all over. I’ve changed the furniture in different rooms and it doesn’t help. The phone rings and no one is there; is that my Dutch trying to contact me? I live to go to the cemetery to see if the headstone has been put in place. I’ve changed my way of thinking and I’m no longer the ‘it will be there for later’ person that I was six months ago. I tell my friends and family every time I speak to them that I love them and wish them enough. Life is too short and love should never be taken for granted. It’s over in a heartbeat.
Thank you. I lost my husband in Aug. 08. 9 months ago. I can relate to every line. I have seven children 2,3,8,10,11,14,15. My children wear thier daddy’s old sweat shirts to bed, just like me. We all wish he were here with us. I get so tired of people telling me how “strong” I am. I just think what other choice do I have and do you have any idea how much I :”need” him? We are getting through this together and I will never take love for granted, When I recieved the Social Security papers that stated, Date your marriage ended Aug. 26,08, my heart was broken again. It’s hard for me to cook anything except really simple stuff, because I miss cooking for him. I sit in church with my children, but feel like I’m sitting alone. At night it is hard for me to sleep because I miss him snoring and keeping me awake. I would scratch his back every night with the greatest joy if I could. He was my honey, my babe, my romeo, my king, my shining knight, my very best friend…..I am sad for you that you understand how I feel, but am comforted that I am not alone. God bless you.